Neopolitan

The planet Neopolitan has been around for seventy five billion years and has never once been involved with war. Skyscrapers and busy streets are typical sights to see in the capital city of Darfang. For readers on earth, Neopolitan is similar in size to Asia, but similar in atmosphere to the inside of a seventy year old smoker's lungs. For years the government has been trying to solve the environmental problem, but each year the planet gets more and more toxic. No one has died from the excessive smoke yet, but experts at the Neopolitan School for the Smarty-Pantsies predict that over the next ten years more than double that number will.

Last week all of the representatives from all the towns on the planet met at the Darfang Bed and Breakfast off of Goober Avenue for a pow-wow. The president of Darfang, Colonial Duncan Noseblat, spoke of the imminent threat that the atmosphere was causing the citizens.

"Representatives, please listen, our atmosphere has been gradually declining over the past few billion years and no leader has taken proper procedure to see that it is fixed."

"Here, here" boomed the audience.

"Now I propose a quick solution to our problem. Actually I'll take some suggestions."

Tomboy Toenails stood up first.

"The town of East Malenbluger has steadily decreased the amount of hamburgers that we have sold over the past few years."

The room fell silent and everyone looked around, waiting for Toenails to finish his thought. Finally President Noseblat stood up.

"What does that have to do with the environment Mr. Toenails?"

"Nothing. I was just pleasantly surprised to see such a wide variety of meats at the buffet this afternoon."

Toenails sat back down to the applause of some representatives.

"Lets get back to the task at hand." Noseblat searched the room for someone to step up and propose an idea. No one spoke. In fact, almost everyone stared at the ground and twiddled their thumbs.

"Alright then. I guess my cabinet and I will talk this over tonight and fill everyone in tomorrow."

"Here, here" everyone shouted and then moved over to the buffet for the assorted meats.

In room 485 of the Bed and Breakfast, the President and his advisors ate some glazed snails while going over some ideas. Major Chairbeam spoke with great fervor as the president downed a snail.

"I say we cut down on ethanol fuel and give everyone a bicycle. That will at least be a partial solution to the problem."

"I don't think that's a good idea" said the President.

"Why not sir?"

"Because I don't want to ride a frigging bicycle around everywhere. Whatever we implement will have to be followed by me or the press will have a field day. Look at me, I'm the size of a Rhinocertaurus." His self-depreciating humor was quickly countered with thirty compliments about his great physique and propensity to floss regularly.

It was getting late and the snails were running low, so President Noseblat excused all of his advisors from the room except for his closest aid, Vice President Werner Ubergangen.

"Werner," Noseblat said, "I think it's time we went to plan B."

"I thought you'd never go this far sir, but I'm proud to be a part of it." Ubergangen picked up the red telephone in the room and quickly dialed a number.

"Yea, Charlie. Oh, hello Melissa, is Charlie home? Thanks." He scratched his chin and bit his lower lip.

"Hey Charlie, the President wants to go through with plan B. So see that it is executed to the fullest potential possible. Have a nice day." As the red phone slammed down, Noseblat and Ubergangen gave each other a 'high five', then went to their separate beds for a good nights rest.

Plan B was the most secret plan ever devised on Neopolitan. Noseblat came up with the idea while on the toilet reading through his wife's sewing magazines. The plan was to send an un-knowing citizen, fully loaded with explosives, to another planet to steal all of the good oxygen and bring it back to Neopolitan. How to get an un-knowing citizen to go through with the plan would be the tricky part, but the explosives had been safely stored in a shoebox underneath Vice President Ubergangen's bed for nearly three years. When the shoebox is opened, oxygen piles in until enough is stored for Neopolitan to survive. If the box is closed too soon, then the explosives will go off. Finally the duo could do what no peace loving Neopolitan citizen had ever even dreamed of...start an intergalactic war with the items in a shoe box.

The next day Charlie went out in search of the citizen that could pull off the feat. His plan was to ask people if they wanted a free trip to Earth with a special gift for the crazy Earthlings. Many people just ignored him while others spat on him. Still others laughed at Charlie because he had some food crumbs stuck to his front teeth. Finally, after his feet were too tired to walk any longer, Charlie stumbled into a bar outside of Darfang. Sitting at the bar, he ordered a Harbarnin Shake with a twist of salamander, and stretched out his back. Surveying the room he spotted a tall Neopolitan with dark hair and bright orange sunglasses. For some reason, most likely the sunglasses, Charlie knew that this was the stooge he was after. Grabbing the Harbarnin Shake he made his way over to the tall dude's table.

"Can I sit here?"

"There are like forty open seats in this place."

"Yea, but I like company."

"Suit yourself man."

Charlie sat down and took a sip.

"My name is Charlie."

"Fogbert."

"Excuse me?"

"My name is Fogbert."

"Oh, nice to meet you Fongdert."

"Fogbert. Are you deaf or something? It's a pretty common name you know. My grandparents both were named Fogbert and my sister named her little kid Fogbert in honor of me. It's like a common name or something."

"I see. What is it that you do Fogbert?"

"I play the accordion in the Darfang Wind Instrument Symphony." Fogbert took a long swig of his Roundball on the rocks. Charlie continued to pry.

"Well that's something. I always wanted to play an instrument, but I just don't have the patience. How long have you been doing that Fog..."

"-bert. Four years now I guess."

"Isn't that something. Say, would you like to take a free trip to Earth?"

"What?"

"Yea. I free trip to Earth."

"Where is that? Is it on the other side of Darfang or something?"

"No, it's a different planet."

"Sock me sideways Charlie. How am I going to get a free trip to another planet?"

"I have the ticket with me, but you have to do something for me in order to take the trip."

"I knew there was a catch. One time someone offered me a free shoe shine then ran off with my laces. I couldn't walk without my shoes falling off for three months."

"It's not really a catch Foggy. All you have to do is bring this shoe box with you and deliver it to someone. All the rest of your time can be spent sight seeing." Fogbert scratched his head and squinted at Charlie.

"Sure, why not?" Charlie shook Fogbert's hand and gave him the box.

"Now, all you have to do is show this to the President of the United States. There is a message in it for him. After he is done listening to it, you can take the box back and come home. I'll be waiting for you and you can give it back to me then."

"What's in the box?"

"I can't tell you that Hamburg-"

"Fogbert."

"Right, Fogbert, but it's nothing to worry about."

"Do you work for the government or something Charlie? It seems like it because you are acting pretty funny about a shoe box."

"In fact, I do work for the government, in a way. But not directly."

"Alright, I'll do what you say Charlie. Will I be back in time for the Wind Instrument Symphony's yearly performance?"

"Of course."

"Well then, let's get to it."

Before parting ways, Charlie told Fogbert to meet him at the shuttleport three days after their meeting. At home, Fogbert kept the box underneath his kitchen sink. As Fogbert was eating some sugar filled cereal the morning of his trip, his wife Gwendolyn found it.

"What's this shoe box doing under the sink Fogbert?"

"None of your business woman."

"I think it is my business. Are you hiding secret love letters from other girlfriends or something?"

"That's the dumbest thing I've ever heard Gwendolyn. I haven't even talked to a woman since we got married."

"Well tell me what it is then."

"I'm not telling you about the shoe box. It's not your business and let's keep it where it is. In fact, I'll be taking it right now, in fact. Hand it over."

"No Fogbert, tell me what it is."

"It's a shoe box that I need for my special government trip to Earth. Does that make you happy?" Fogbert put his cereal bowl away and took the box from Gwendolyn. Tucking the box under his right arm, he took out his orange sunglasses and slowly slid them onto his head.

"No need to worry babe, I've got everything under control." He spun around on his right foot and headed towards the door. Gwendolyn grabbed a frying pan and threw it at his head, but missed and hit a lamp. Fogbert opened the door, turned around and said:

"Make sure the house is clean when I come back woman," before he left.

At the shuttleport in the heart of Darfang, Fogbert met with Charlie, President Noseblat, and Vice President Ubergangen. A thin layer of smoke hovered over them as they spoke. Every few moments a shuttle would take off making everything inaudible. Unfortunately for Fogbert, this happened at the worst possible times.

"We're glad you made it Fogbert. You are doing a real service to your country, I hope you realize that." Noseblat smiled shook Fogbert's hand.

"I do sir."

"Great. You're help with this shoe box, although you probably don't realize it, will help solve our ever growing problem of environmental smoke infestation."

"Anything I can do to help sir. That's why I was put on the planet." Fogbert clutched the box tightly under his right arm. His whole body was shaking. He finally got some courage to ask what he had wondered since he received the box.

"How does it work?"

"Well," Ubergangen started, "It's pretty simple really." At this point a shuttle went off and all Fogbert could do was try to read the Vice President's lips. He thought he said 'The milkman will take some cows to the garden in order to collapse the spleen of the monkey's tyrannical regime', but he wasn't sure. Anyways, it made sense to him, and he was not about to make men in such powerful positions repeat themselves. His mother raised him better than that.

"That's just a wonderful invention sir."

"Thanks Fogbert. Here's your shuttle now. Better get going."

Fogbert again shook all of their hands and walked over to the shuttle's entrance. He stood at the door, looked back over the planet he was about to leave, raised the box in the air, and shouted at the top of his lungs:

"Riptong!" He then entered the shuttle and the door closed behind him. (It would be important to note that Riptong means something that is not explainable in Earth terms. It is a Neopolitan word that has been around since the beginning of their civilization. Some historians believe that it actually means 'Rock the Vote', but most people say it when have just done some illegal drugs.)

Two weeks later Fogbert's shuttle arrived back in the Neopolitan atmosphere. The trio of officials stood at the shuttleport, eagerly waiting for his return. Suddenly, Charlie spoke up.

"If the box took all of the oxygen from the planet, how was Fogbert supposed to survive?" It was at this point that both the President and the Vice President fainted. Charlie quickly tried CPR, but it was to no use. The many years of hard living and snail eating had taken its toll on the most important people on the planet and they expired as the shuttle landed down. Charlie turned his head to see Fogbert emerge from the shuttle.

"Riptong!" He shouted again as he held the box high above his head. Charlie sprinted over to the shuttle and grabbed the box from Fogbert.

"How did you survive?"

"What?"

"How did you survive when the box was supposed to take all of the oxygen from earth? There is no possible way you could have made it back."

"Oh, the box, I kind of forgot about the box when we got there. I was going over all the famous landmarks until, before I knew it, the trip was over and I had to come back. I tried to sneak into the President's house, which is huge by the way, but some people dressed in black threw me back into the street. So I figured he forgot about his present, so I took it back with me. I could use some new shoes."

The eyes on Charlie's head bulged half-way out of their sockets and some sweat began to boil on his forehead. He looked back over at the dead dignitaries, grabbed the shoe box, and quickly decided it was time to blow up Neopolitan. His suicidal rage was enough to take out the whole planet. Fogbert just smiled and stared at Charlie, not knowing what was going on. As Charlie opened the box, Fogbert said:

"Why is the President and that other guy lying on the ground?"

The box fully opened and the oxygen began to leave the planet and enter the box. Charlie slowly brought the lid down over the explosives, and the fuse was lit. In a matter of seconds, the entire planet was flying through space in billions of pieces. No one survived. A legend has it that if you go deep enough into space, a rambunctious crowd is shouting 'Here, here' and a silly Neopolitan with orange sunglasses is yelling 'Riptong'.