Never Make Announcements

Something like a few days ago I said I would be taking a break from Associated Content and that when I returned it would be with satire, not seriousness. I can only attest to having kept one of my promises, and that was the satire part. You see, in the past few days I have come into the possession of a beautiful new laptop computer. All I can tell you is that I have more or less received my Excalibur, now I can write my column anytime, anywhere. Thank God, now I can waste even more time. Those things being said of course, it wasn't like I was ever very productive in the first place... or very honest.

There is one thing I will learn from returning from a Sabbatical after only a few days, and that is to never make any promises. I might have driven away some of the few hundred readers that I actually have by going and telling them that I was going to be off. In the end I was only after some time to think about the direction of the column; I have come to a few conclusions. The first conclusion is that I am not going to be making any long term conclusions, right now I am on a bit of a tangent into satire but that could change at any day, any moment; that is the kind of spontaneous guy that I am. Secondly, I am going to make sure that any deal I make with Associated Content is 100% non-exclusive; I am not going to be kicking myself when I turn out to be some sort of big hit without any right to his own work. It probably won't happen but this is all just in case.

Anyway, I was saying something about not making any more promises. Let me just put it this way; you come to regret them kind of like you come to regret so many things in life, this is especially true when you are reneging but a few days later like I am. You've heard of "indian givers," well I'm a sort of "indian promiser." I suppose that it might be a little bit too big of terminology for some to describe my announced sabbatical as a promise, but at the very least I told people what to expect. Sure I said I could be back at any time, sure I left it quite open-ended, but the bottom line is that I shouldn't have left it open ended if I did anything. Sabbaticals, I am apt to say, do not usually last two days. Maybe I'm going OCD, who cares?

You see, reneging on announcements has sort of manifested itself as a central part of my character. I believe that I think about one hundred times faster than just about everybody else on Earth. I come to conclusions one day and I come to different conclusions the next; I like to call myself "open minded" but I think that those in politics probably get it better, they term people such as myself "flip floppers." I'll never forget back in 2004 when I saw a billboard that read, "Vote for Bush. Boots, not flip flops." As everybody except a couple of conspiracy theorists recall, George Bush beat John F. "Flip-Flop" Kerry in that election and won a second term as POTUS, and that is hard to believe when ever you take a look at the man. Bottom line: I will never be President even though I was certain I would be when I was ten years old, but then again so is any other kid. Oh well, I was always too radical anyhow regardless of my footwear, be they steel toed boots or a nice pair of hot pink flip flops.

Another realization that I have come to during my "sabbatical" is that I ought to change my byline from "Austin Post" to "A.R. Post." I'm a satirist now, and men of my profession need suitable names for their jobs. It is in direct homage to the immortal H.L. Mencken (who, despite his immortality, died in 1956) that I have decided to adopt initials as my first name. I am pretty sure that this is at least one thing that can last, besides, I have always generally thought that the name "Austin" sounds too... I don't know, it just sounds too something. The bottom line for all the rest is to never make an announcement unless you're certain, it always comes back to haunt you. Politicians, for instance, often claim one thing and then say that another thing was actually true when they get called out on it by the media. Politicians being one of my main targets, I cannot bring myself to stoop to their hideous level. When I am old and young people come to me for the advice I never took from my elders, I will be sure to tell them one thing, "never set an agenda you can't keep."