Never Go Shopping with the Strange Cousins

I have a set of cousins, who have a sense of humor that is much removed from the rest of the family. They always manage to create a situation in which they can set up others to either become the target of a joke, or help them deliver a massively hysterical event right into the lives of anyone nearby.

For the longest time, I thought they would plan stuff like this in advance. But then I saw them in action, and I realized they were doing it as they went along, all without even saying anything to each other. They knew each other well enough that they knew what the other was about to do. What I thought was created through mere rehearsal was something more: they were possessed. The utterly devious incarnation of hilarity was wrapped up in the human beings that I called my Uncle, my cousin "Jimmy", and his wife "Lisa."

You may think I changed the names because I'm protecting the identities of my family, but no. I am quite sure that Wal-Mart may still have the tapes from their security monitors set aside somewhere.

Do you have to check the statute of limitations before you tell others about what your cousins did? Alright then. We may still be liable for civil damages. I suppose you're wondering by now... well, to use the time-honored method.... "It all started when I went to my Uncle's for a Labor Day Party...."

This particular Labor Day had dawned bright and fair. It was a perfect late summer Monday on the Gulf Coast of Florida. I arrived at my Uncle's house to find a small party already kicked off, with one crucial exception. It was ten in the morning, and the grill had yet to receive its proper treatment of charcoal and foods ready to be charred beyond recognition, which was the usual tradition. I was thirteen before I went to a bar-b-queue at a friend's house and found out that hot dogs come in a color and flavor other than blackened. I parked my car - well away from the others, aware of and very leery of the place I had just arrived. I got halfway across the yard when my cousin "Jimmy" pops out the front door.

"Hey Kyle, How you been, man! You're just in time to go with us to Wally World!!"

"Great! Getting some stuff for the grill?" I asked.

"Yep! Let's hit it!"

Fortunately for me, I didn't actually live in Pensacola at the time, so I didn't shop at the exact same store very often. My uncle, myself, Jimmy, and his wife "Lisa" piled into an extended cab Chevy and blasted our way through traffic to Wally World. They're my cousins, remember, so "drove" doesn't capture the trip to Wally World the way "Blasted" does.

I need to paint this picture for you. My uncle is in his fifties. His hair is completely a mess. These are the cousins whose idea of going someplace fancy was a dinner trip to Ryan's Buffet, or maybe Hooters. Sometimes, they'd even get a wild hair and wear jeans without holes and actual shoes instead of flip flops. My cousin Jimmy is wearing a swimsuit and a grey shirt. His wife Lisa is extremely pregnant at this point - to the point that it looks like Mount Navel might actually pop while we're in the store. She waddles around in a pair of sweat pants and a decent looking shirt that actually makes you think she's not a part of a vast evil conspiracy about to take Wally World down.

Lisa breaks off to head for the book aisle. "You know where I'll be, okay? Remember what to get?"

"Yes, Lisa, We remember. If we're lucky we can even Kyle a girlfriend while he's here," Jimmy says.

"Very funny," I said. I jerked a thumb in the direction of Mount Navel. "Do you know who the father is?"

Jimmy started laughing. My Uncle throws his two cents in: "Oh, Jimmy! I meant to tell you about that night." Now all four of us are laughing. People are starting to look. I knew from experience that this was not the apex of the day; it was merely the launch point. The ride was just beginning. Now that I know better, I look back at this day and realize this was the exact point at which I should have just broken for it, or at the very least, because it was Wally World, just grabbed a motor-cart and make a 12-volt dash for the border.

Uncle, Jimmy, and I headed for the ketchup aisle. Lisa disappeared into the book aisle. As if you could call an aisle covered end to end with paperback romances and Dirk Pitt novels a book aisle, but that's where she went.

We get to the ketchup aisle. Uncle and Jimmy are in the lead. I didn't know what the look meant when I saw it, but they could see down the aisle first. Something telepathic went between them at that moment, I know it. I walked around the corner to see the most phenomenal woman in a bikini top and shorts walking up the aisle towards us. I should have yelled "Ambush!" right away, but it was already too late. Jimmy throws a hand on his hip. In the best gay voice he could muster, he looks at the ketchup in front of him, and as loudly as possible says in almost surprised tone of voice: "Why do they call them condiments, they don't even taste like mint."

He had timed it perfectly; the lady was at her closest point of approach when he finished his sentence. The lady stopped dead in her tracks, and her head snapped around in Jimmy's direction as if someone had attached a chain to her chin and given it a sharp yank. There was even a sharp intake of breath as she gasped with surprise at what he had said. That by itself was funny enough to see, but remember, I'm not alone with Jimmy.

Uncle speaks up: "Now, how are we supposed to get him a girlfriend when you say stuff like that?"

Jimmy replies, "You're kidding right? I was gonna get him a mannequin and throw a bikini on it."

For the second time that day, everyone in Wally World who was within ear shot was laughing.

We gathered what we were looking for, and set off in search of the last few items we needed. I got a bright idea, and offered it up: "I'll go get Lisa and let her know we're almost done, so we can meet you over by the checkout lines." I made my way to the book aisle, and found Lisa standing there, thumbing through some book or other, which she put away as I approached. We talked about whatever, I can't remember exactly what was said before, but I remember what happened next. We heard Uncle and Jimmy from a few aisles over. It was Uncle I heard first: "Hey! Jimmy! Look at this!"

Jimmy answered back: "I can't look; I'm in the next aisle."

Uncle just replied, "oh, that's okay, I can see where you are, catch!"

Jimmy could actually be heard scrambling down the aisle. There was the sound of something solid landing, but I couldn't tell if it had been caught or dropped. Jimmy provided the answer.

"Aww, Dad, I've already got two of these, here!"

Whatever it was, the box flew high enough that I could see it as it reached the top of its flight over the aisle. There was an audible "oof" as Uncle caught it. I never did find out if he put it back where he got it. At this point, I looked at Lisa, and said "We have to get them back for this." She looked at me, and said "okay, just answer me when I talk, follow my lead."

"So," she said, a little too loudly. "Do you remember the promise we made each other?"

I looked at her, caught in the headlights. "Um, actually, I don't."

Lisa, the very pregnant Wally World shopper, threw her hands to her hips. "You don't remember our deal?" Said a little louder, it actually made people stop to look at the ticked-off pregnant chic.

"No, Lisa, I don't remember!" I said loudly. "I'm sorry! I don't remember!"

And older couple at the end of the book aisle were beginning to get agitated. The lady said to her husband, "Go say something!" And threw an elbow at him. He was about to start moving, when Lisa threw a fit.

Hands on hips. Belly poked out. A little skin showing between the shirt and the waistband. A furious look on her face. The very pregnant estrogen factory on aisle sixteen was about to explode. Uncle and Jimmy pop out into the main aisle just a few feet away. Perfect, everyone looking, and everyone in position. The demon family of comedians was about to strike. As loudly as she could, Lisa threw this line out:

"YOU MEAN YOU DON'T REMEMBER OUR DEAL?"

"No Lisa," I said sheepishly, "I don't." Now even louder, if that was possible, she said:

"YOU DON'T REMEMBER OUR DEAL THAT WHEN I HAVE THIS BABY YOU'LL LEAVE YOUR WIFE AND MARRY ME??"

Mouths dropped open everywhere. Anyone who was nearby was stopped dead in their tracks. Jimmy and Uncle even looked a little nonplussed. If I'm not mistaken, I think that was also the exact moment someone keyed the store's PA system so even the piped-in music stopped. Everyone and everything nearby was dead quiet, when I answered, a little too loudly:

"Oh, THAT deal! OF COURSE I REMEMBER! BESIDES EVERYONE KNOWS I HATE YOUR STUPID SISTER ANYWAYS!!!"

Fortunately, Uncle and Jimmy had already checked out with the goodies at this point. Labor Day picnic was now safely supplied. We rocketed back to the house. When we arrived, Jimmy is the first out of the Chevy. He bounds inside. He yells for my Aunt, "Grace."

"Hey! Aunt Grace!" he yells.

"Yeah, Jimmy! Back here!"

"Hey, how many locations of Wally World are there in Pensacola?"

Aunt Grace thinks for a couple seconds, and says "Five, why do you ask?"

"Because we're gonna need to know where they are now, since we can't go back to that one."

I looked at my watch. It was only eleven in the morning. At that moment, my Aunt Grace pops into the kitchen and begins to unload the supplies. She drops her arms and looks at us.

Jimmy recognizes the body language: "What is it?"

"Did you guys get any ice?" she asked.

Jimmy just looks at me. "You ready?" he asks.

"Sure," I said. I remember thinking he couldn't possibly screw up a simple trip to get ice.

We jump back into the Chevy and rocket back out into traffic for the ice.

Did I mention that cops are everywhere on Labor Day? Now you know why I had to change names.