New Christmas Songs

Want to start a new Christmas tradition? Start with the joyous gift of music. Here are new lyrics for the old standbys. You know the tunes, so sing along and have a very merry Christmas. Really. Try singing out loud as you read. It's fun.

Tom Cruise Got Run Over by a Reindeer
Tom Cruise got run over by a reindeer.
Walking home from our house Christmas eve.
You can say there's no such thing as Santa,
but as for me and Nicole we believe.
He'd been jumping on the couch,
and we begged him just to go.
But he took no medication, and now
Oprah won't have him on her show.

I saw Mommy kissing Tommy Cruise
I saw Mommy kissing Tommy Cruise
Underneath the mistletoe last night.
He is such a creep
They didn't see me peep;
Now I'll have to kill them both.
I'll go and get a rope.

Tom Cruise the Nut Job
Tom Cruise the nut job was a whacked out, crazy soul,
With a crackpot faith and a crazy life
and he's just a little troll.
Tom Cruise the nut job spins a hooky fairy tale
about outer space and rocket ships
that came to earth one day.

Let Him Glow!
Oh, the weather outside is frightful,
But the fire is so delightful,
Toss Tom Cruise in the hearth
Let him glow, let him glow, let him glow.

Tom Cruise Rock
Hit Tom Cruise, Hit Tom Cruise, in the head with a rock.
Tom Cruise swing from the end of a rope
Kicking and dangling, it's bushels of fun
Now the happiness has begun.

Twelve Days of Christmas
On the first day of Christmas
My true love gave to me
One dead Tom Cruise.
On the second day of Christmas
My true love gave to me
Two dead Tom Cruise
...it pretty much goes on like that for a really, really long time.

Oh Come, All Ye Faithful
O come, all ye faithful,
Followers of Xenu,
O come ye, O come ye to Tom Cruise's house.
Come and behold him,
He's the king of morons;
O come and let us punch him,
O come and let us kick him,
O come and let us kill him, Tom Cruise the nut.

Silent Night
Silent night, morbid night,
All is calm, I am armed.
Rounds are spent all over the floor.
Tom Cruise bleeding outside of his door.
Sleep in heavenly peace.
Sleep in heavenly peace.

All I Want For Christmas Is To See Tom Dead
All I want for Christmas
is to see Tom dead,
to see Tom dead,
to see Tom dead!
...or at least knock out his two front teeth.

I'll be home for Christmas
I'll be home for Christmas
You can count on me
Have the back room ready
I'll be runnin' from the cops
Christmas Eve will find me
Hiding in the dark
I'll be home for Christmas
I can only dream.

I hope everyone gets what they wish for this Christmas. Some, like me, will only get what's coming to them, but at least I have my health. Happy Holidays y'all.

Legal disclaimer (like it will do any good when the Scientology lawyers call): The author does not truly want Tom Cruise dead. However, if Tom Cruise were to find his rocket ship, leave the earth, and live with Xenu on another planet for the rest of his life, the author would take no offense.