New Harbinger: "The White Knight Syndrome" Book Review

Authors: Mary C. Lamia, Ph.D. and Marilyn J. Krieger, Ph.D.

List price: $16.95

ISBN: 978-1572246249

Publisher: New Harbinger Publications

Publication Date: June 2009

Number of Pages: 208

I'm going to start this review in a nontraditional way by admitting I suffer from "The White Knight Syndrome."

Because I am a freelance writer and journalist, I often have the luxury of selecting books I wish to review. I knew this book applied to my life perhaps better than any other work ever has when I saw the title on New Harbinger's website - so I requested it.

I've read a number of New Harbinger-published books in the past as I've recovered from the effects of playing the role of the white knight, but never saw or read a book that described this phenomenon as well as this one authored by Mary C. Lamia and Marilyn J. Krieger.

And another advantage is that even though both women hold Ph.D's, it is not riddled with that all-too-often used and sometimes hated word "codependency."

At first it was hard to admit that someone like myself who has been rather successful in life (not many people can honestly say they sat down and interviewed Hillary Clinton while she was running for the presidential nomination) has been so closely entwined with people who need re-parenting (or in some cases, simply securing a steady job might have done wonders) more than a romantic partner. So if you see the title of this book and hesitate, or open the book and close it many times over, know that you are not alone."White knights" as described in Lamia and Krieger's rather thorough masterpiece usually seek to repair childhood wounds by unconsciously attracting romantic partners who are in financial and/or emotional need. This book discusses the different types of white knights, including those who are also emotionally or physically abusive and how to break childhood patterns and focus on rescuing yourself.

"The White Knight Syndrome" is not an indictment on rescuing and spends a good amount of ink discussing the art of being a balanced rescuer. Helping people is not always self-destructive. The aim of the book is to help those who have focused more on trying to gain love from damaged people than nurturing themselves.

Those who are truly white knights will likely see himself or herself mentioned many times over in Lamia and Krieger's book. There are also a number of self-reflection questions offered at the end of chapters, which can be helpful as a writing therapy tool or discussion with a therapist or perhaps a 12-step sponsor from a program such as Al-Anon, Codependents Anonymous, or Sex and Love Addicts Anonymous.

This is not a book that advocates any particular therapeutic model or how to change the rescued (though characteristics of people who usually seek white knights are discussed.) It is potentially a powerful tool to promote true self-help, the kind that is not dependent on a romantic partner, family member, therapist, or particular support group.

But on another nontraditional note and in hopes of helping others starting on this recovery path, I will review some things (besides this book) that have helped me repair the financial and emotional damage I suffered from being the overly empathetic white knight described in "The White Knight Syndrome."

1. Support groups of all kinds (depending on your situation, you can select from privately run groups, those at a domestic violence center, or 12-step programs including those mentioned previously as well as Debtors Anonymous.)
2. Therapy.
3. Meditation, especially Zen Buddhism.
4. Yoga, especially Kundalini yoga.
5. Chanting through Sikhism and Kundalini yoga principles.
6. Audiobooks and books from authors like Thich Nhat Hanh, Pema Chodron, Dr. Wayne Dyer, and Melody Beattie.
7. Writing down every dime I spend.
8. Giving donations to charities (my particular interest relates to domestic violence.)
9. Calling or e-mailing people on similar paths on a daily, or close to daily, basis.
10. Breaking all contact with the last two men I chose to try to rescue.