New Jersey's Inner Calcutta

I have been interested in faith and spirituality for over ten years now after being agnostic. Come to think of it, I became a Christian in 1997. Around the same time Mother Teresa died. I recently started reading a book about her. About how she was a Nobel Laureate who scrubbed the bathrooms in her building, and catered to the poor despite her inner "darkness" Indeed anyone who cares about the world can't help but be a little dark. We all can't be super successful. I used to try so hard to do the right thing and worked so hard. But it didn't help. I believed in being moral, while others were abusive and not interested in how much I cared. This is New Jersey, the most spiritually bankrupt state. My teacher encouraged me to be a model. Little did I know that lots of them are promiscuous or are junkies and many have eating disorders. I'd rather become a nun than be a model.

But although the prosperity gospel isn't true Christianity, positive thinking and faith is good for the soul and mind. Although the Bible bangs it over our heads that we can never be perfect, I wonder if they really want us to be perfect or if its just to give us a guilt trip.

I was hoping to become a speech therapist as I am more comfortable around children as a general rule and I haven't had much luck dealing with men in the work place. Not that they've all grabbed at me. I just don't want the stress of having to deal with strange men as for the last ten years, more men have grabbed at me than asked me out on a date, and it only stopped about a year ago when I started threatening to mace the next person who grabbed at me.

I can't say that I feel very holy or spiritual after all of this and even though I vowed to wait till marriage, I just don't even want to deal with men any more. I have a friend I talk to and that's about it. Its up in the air if I'll ever heal from this cosmic joke being played on me. They tell me I'm a sinner like everyone else. And I have lost my temper more than once. But usually I'm the victim. And I just don't think its fair to expect me to be brave after reading in the Bible about how women shouldn't lead because of Eve. I think that's a little more than harsh. And I guess men shouldn't marry because Adam was too passive. Still I think without having a sense of morals is imperative. Ever since we stopped teaching the Golden Rule in school, there has been a lot more hopelessness in society I believe. There was a lot of cheating and drug abuse in my "blue ribbon" High School and I was harassed because I didn't want to get involved in drugs. Which seems to me a right of freedom to pursue happiness.

I don't believe there are easy answers. But the book Secret Fire about Mother Teresa has been a great comfort to me to see that I'm not alone in seeing the Inner Calcutta of New Jersey.