New Parents: The Struggle to Maintain Friendships with Childless Friends

When a young woman gets pregnant, the one complain that I always hear is how she lost all of her friends after having the baby. It doesn't surprise me one bit when I hear this anymore. I'll ask why they believe it happened, and the response never fails to be one where they don't accept any responsibility at all for their role in the friendship dying. It takes two people to make a friendship work. And for a new parent, trying to maintain a friendship can be just too much. Here are a few points for you to consider.

Your childless friends aren't your babysitters.

It's nice to spent time alone with your boyfriend or husband. It's also great to run errands without your child with you. But then that means you'll need a babysitter. If your friends don't want to keep your kid, it isn't really fair to be mad at them for it. After all, it isn't their responsibility. There could be a lot of reasons why they don't want to and you shouldn't try to force them.

And when your friends visit, if they don't want to care for the baby to give you a break, you need to realize that isn't why they came over. If you wanted someone to help you then it's best to be upfront about that before asking your friend over.

Your friends shouldn't have to compete for your time.

If you have no one else to care for your kid, then spending time alone with your friends may be impossible. But that doesn't mean that all communication must end. You could call them when the child is napping or when the kid's attention is on something else like a movie (really depends on the age of the kid). If a real-time conversation won't work, try e-mailing back and forth at your convenience. If you think about it, chances are you'll come up with something to fit your situation.

When you do talk with your friends, try to remember that the conversation shouldn't revolve around your child even if your life does. Really, how many times do you think someone who isn't a parent wants to hear about your baby's bowel movements?

Just because you love your child's messes doesn't mean your friends do.

When trying to spend time with your friends, riding together may be convenient. But if your childless friends don't want your kid in their car then you have to respect that. Kids get sick suddenly, they spill stuff, etc. and then the car is ruined. If you want to take your kid somewhere then you should do so in your own car if that's your friend's preference.

Also, if your friend doesn't want to hold your baby, you really shouldn't take it personally. Remember back before you had a child? Did you want other people's kids spitting up on you and pulling out your earrings? Kids are messy, and as a parent you have to respect it if your friend doesn't want to be messy too.

If you're going to visit your friend at their house, you need to ask beforehand if you need to bring a playpen. More than likely, you will need to bring one to have somewhere to corral your child. After all, your friends who don't have kids probably don't have child-proof homes or anywhere to lay a baby for a nap.