New Species of Humans Found on College Campuses!

The scientific and academic communities are reported to be reeling under the unexpected impact of the recently announced discovery of a new species of human that had gone undetected since it first began to interact with Homo sapiens var sapiens some two centuries ago.

According to world-renowned anthropologist Dr. Jeremiah Wassah-Boolphrogg of the Robert Blake Handgun Safety Institute, the new species managed to escape detection by working as low paid teaching assistants at universities and colleges throughout North America. Wassah-Boolphrogg, who rose to national prominence on his controversial research that identified estrogen as a neurotoxin, thinks that the novel methods used by the new species to avoid detection indicate a high degree of intellectual development.

"It was the ideal way to avoid detection," he is quoted as saying in a copyrighted interview appearing in today's Christian Science Moronic. "So they seem socially awkward, out of place, and have trouble understanding the subject matter? Not a problem at all. They posed as teaching assistants, where such traits are practically universal! It was perfect!"

Who would have thought that the ideal hiding place for an entirely new species would have been so blatantly obvious!"

The potential impact of the new species on social services and other infrastructure components was projected to be minimal, according to California Governor Arnold Schwarzenegger who remarked "If deeze new citizens obey our laws and accept our values, dere should not be a problem, however, if they expect to be parasites on our limited resources, we haff ways of 'discouraging' zem." The governor refused to expand on his last comment, citing "national security concerns."

The unexpected discovery of the new species, which has apparently prospered while "hiding in plain sight," has caused a furor on Capitol Hill.

"Hell, if we didn't pick up on 20,000 of these things living right under our noses how are we to stop another group from doing exactly the same thing?" asked Presidential Candidate Sen. Joe Biden, D-DL. "If we investigate further, I am of the opinion that this same species formed a significant number of the planning committee that drew up the strategy for the war in Iraq."

Sen. Biden's comments were echoed by a fellow member of the Senate Select Committee on Members that Aren't Totally Useless because they Can Always be Held Up as Bad Examples, Sen. Ted Kennedy, D-MA, who remarked that "While we have no indication that this new species has hostile intentions, this incident points to yet another failure of the Bush Administration's immigration policies. If the new "guest species" have been here for years this only highlights the gross negligence of the administration."

Another Senator expressed concern that not enough gays and lesbians had been found among the newly-discovered species. Sen. Barbara Boxer, D-CA, vowed to introduce restrictions on federal research funding to organizations that did not meet "inclusion criteria" designed to increase the number of gays and lesbians on voter registration rolls and to "promote the social acceptance of gays and lesbians as valuable members of the community."

A member of the Senate Republican Caucus declined comment, citing his inability to stop laughing at the statement by Sen. Boxer.

"In Vegas, you would pay big money for entertainment like this, but we get it for free!" he eventually said.

Research into the genetic makeup of the new species has been underway for several months at the Oak Ridge National Laboratory and has revealed that the new species shares "over 99%" of its DNA with "the rest of us" according to a source with the laboratory who spoke under anonymity. There is, however, a significant difference in one particular neurotransmitter, known as Dexoy-urenic-neuro-creatinous-endogenate (DUNCE) that is known to lower the capacity for independent thinking among humans and among the new species. According to this same source members of the new species seem more susceptible to the effects of the chemical than non-members.

"Man, one whiff of that stuff and it's Tinker-Toy time! I've never seen anything like it this side of the primate lab" the source said.