New Uses for Evolution If the Creationists Win the Debate

If creationists ever have their way, the theory of evolution will not be taught in public schools. Never again will we hear mention of natural selection, adaptation or genetic variation.

So if we can't use evolution in the classrooms and science halls across America, to what purpose could we put evolutionary theory?

To prepare for this possible scenario, here are some alternate uses for the theory of evolution if creationists actually win their case to ban the teaching of evolution.

Evolution; It's great for household cleaning

Evolution is a really nifty "picker upper." Like Bounty paper towels, evolution has been known to soak up other fields of study such as paleobotany and genetics--so it would probably also be a really absorbent item to use around the house. Just take some evolution to those nasty wine stains in your burbur carpet and up they come, sucked into the modern evolutionary synthesis where all those dirty, secular ideas rightfully belong.

You can also use evolution to scrub your toilet bowl. Simply pour a little evolution into the basin as you flush and let the apparently abrasive nature of evolutionary theory scrub away those stubborn stains as they head down the drain to extinction, where 99% of all living things have gone in evolutionary history. This is also known as the Richard Dawkins effect.

When you are done with evolution, you can easily dispose of any excess evolutionary theory and its waste products (godlessness, hopelessness, fascism and terrorism) with a dose of That Old Time Religion, which has long been known for its cleansing powers.

Using evolution to discipline your children

Evolution apparently cannot explain the origins of life on earth, but it can be very useful teaching your children to behave.

Evolution makes a great parental threat device if used properly. "Bobby, if you don't wear a coat outside in this weather a parasitoid wasp might attack you and lay eggs on your skin. Then the larvae will eat into your body and consume you from the inside out. So put your coat on!"

See? Evolutionary images like that are enough to make any child behave. It also always helps to tell children to "go evolve a conscience" rather than "oh, grow up," which no one ever really wants to do.

Turning evolution into reality TV

Sure, creationists say the reality of evolution cannot be proven. But that doesn't mean evolution can't be used as a cool plot line for reality TV. We already have Survivor and American Idol, both of which are built around that colloquial evolutionary phrase "survival of the fittest."

Here's another great evolutionary plot line--"Darwin's Do's and Don'ts." Take a group of regular citizens and put them in jobs they don't really know how to do. Then it's their job to pretend they're experts. Oh, wait a minute. It appears we already have that going on with Wall Street, the Big Three Automakers and Congress. The result is a national recession. Who knew reality TV could be this real? Maybe we can blame our current recession on evolution just as evolution's opponents blamed the Holocaust and the last two Rocky movies on the godless curse of evolution.

Turn evolution into its own religion

Creationists have long claimed that evolution is a religion unto itself, with its own forms of dogma. So why not make it official? Let's start the Church of Evolution and submit our prayers to the god of Darwin. Never mind that Darwin did not act alone in developing the theory of evolution and that Alfred Russell Wallace came up with the theory simultaneous to Charles Darwin. And please don't blame evolution for having a few missing links. Most religions leverage their "missing links" as the mysterious acts of the founder. That's how intelligent design and creationism works. Why should evolution play by different rules when it becomes its own form of religion? Please let's not let facts get in the way.

We should always remember that every religion needs a few figureheads to lead the way. As it turns out, Charles Darwin will do just fine. Those pictures of Darwin in old age with the white beard look a lot like most people's conception of God.

Even if evolution does not work out as its own religion, Darwin might make a really great God figure in case we find out that the True God of Judeo-Christian and Muslim religions proves to be dead or on permanent vacation. Always nice to have a backup plan.

Conclusion: Evolutionary scientists just need to get over it.

Even if evolution can't be used as an explanatory device for the origins of life on earth, it has its creative uses nonetheless.

Sure, scientists will miss a few of evolution's practical such as driving discoveries in medicine, uncovering the patterns of genetics and studying the biology of every living thing on earth. But they'll manage without it. All scientists need to remember is one simple little rule that creationists and the intelligent design community want everyone to abide by: "If at first something seems too complex to explain, then it really is."

So you scientists should not worry your pretty little inquisitive heads. If creationists have their way, evolution will never lose its usefulness, just its general purpose as the foundation for modern science.

Now about that theory of gravity...