New Year's Day: What is it and Where Did it Come From?

Every year around this time, strangers come up to me and ask questions like, "What is the big deal about New Year's? Why do people get drunk and blow horns and kiss at midnight? I mean it's just the start of another miserable year of workin' my ass off, payin' taxes, comin' home and findin' my wife in bed with my best friend, gettin' my shotgun, blowin' their heads off, and buryin' their bodies in the backyard. Then gettin' drunk and watchin' porn on the Internet 'til I pass out with my head on the desk, drool runnin' from my mouth, sittin' in a pool of my own urine. I don't think I could take another year like that."

If that sounds like you, I feel for ya Buddy, I really do. Been there, done that. But getting back to your question, in order to understand our fascination with New Year's Day, we need to know a little about its history and how it got started. So I have put together some of the most commonly asked questions about New Year's Day along with answers that hopefully will clear up some of the mystery.

Who invented New Year's Day?

New Year's Day was invented by major television executives for the sole purpose of devoting an entire day to televising college football bowl games. Prior to the inception of New Year's Day, there were no college bowl games and the National Championship was decided through an archaic playoff system.

What day is New Year's Day?

Traditionally, New Year's Day always falls on January 1. One rare exception was the year 1216 when the Official Royal Calendar Keeper, William of Turdingham, went on a drinking binge and failed to announce the New Year until he regained consciousness nearly three weeks later. That year, New Year's Day was officially celebrated on January 19 and William of Turdingham was beheaded on January 20.

Why January 1?

Because it's the first day of the year, you dumbass!

Do all countries celebrate New Year's Day?

No. Poland has not yet mastered the use of calendars and therefore still believes it is year one. Other countries had at one time considered telling them, but decided it is just too damn funny. And so the deception continues.

What does Auld Lang Syne mean?

Auld Lang Syne is a Scottish term meaning "old long since," which makes absolutely no sense unless you are completely bombed out of your head, which happens to be the condition of most people when this irritating song is warbled annually at midnight on New Year's Eve. It is shortly after the final bars of Auld Lang Syne that you muster up the nerve to tell your wife that her best friend "is really lookin' smokin' hot" tonight, in hopes that your wife is as drunk as you are and will finally give in to your lifelong fantasy of a threesome. Take it from me guys, it doesn't work.

Every four years, we add an extra day to the year. Why didn't they make Leap Year Day on December 32 instead of February 29?

Because "Leap Year babies" normally born on February 29 would have to wait all the way until the end of December, thus making those pregnancies an excruciatingly long 19 months and those newborns nearly a year old!

Why do people get drunk and loud and obnoxious on New Year's Eve?

For the same reason they get drunk and loud and obnoxious all the other days of the year: Life sucks!

I am never able to keep my New Year's resolutions. Any suggestions?

The biggest mistake most people make each year is setting unattainable goals. Once I came to that realization, I became much more successful at keeping my resolutions. For instance, I annually set a goal of gaining 50 pounds, getting less exercise, smoking an extra pack of cigarettes per day, drinking more beer, smoking more pot, and spending at least six more days in jail. Believe me; you will experience such an exhilarating feeling of accomplishment!

Every year as the clock ticks down to zero and the New Year begins, my wife kisses this really handsome stranger and then I never see her again for the rest of the night. Should I be concerned?

Not at all. As always, I'll have her home by noon.