New Year's Predictions: Funny Predictions and Psychic Visions for Each Month

Although many people believe that I'm psychic-my mind can always tell when my stomach feels hungry-I can't claim that the predictions herein will come true. However, I can predict you'll enjoy reading them.

And what if my astute predictions should happen to be fulfilled? Well, feel free to throw money this way. Credit cards are accepted; call toll free NOW at 1-888-555-1212 and reserve your slot to send moolah.

Then sit back, take off your shoes, and enjoy my visions for the future.

January 31 Predictions: Global warming will still be a hot (no pun intended) topic this year.

Accompanying Psychic Vision: The Summit on Global Warming will be canceled in January due to three little ol' ladies hacking into the registration information and submitting the names as voter registrations to Community Organizations International (formerly known as ACORN). The Summit will be rescheduled for July, in Chester, Utah. Record breaking high temperatures are predicted for the summer in the town of Chester, whose population of 178 includes people, dairy cows, a herd of eleven ducks and two llamas that spit.

February 31 Predictions: Men will continue to forget about Valentine's Day, run out at the last minute to grab up old Christmas candy that's on sale, and rewrap it for their sweethearts.

Accompanying Psychic Vision: Due to lack of interest by ninety-nine percent of the male population of the universe, Valentine's Day will be voted out by Congress.

March 31 Predictions : Bella, Edward, and nameless other bloodsuckers-including the IRS-will remain prominent in arts and entertainment news.

Accompanying Psychic Vision: The movie, Bella: Bride of Chucky, will be released.

April 31 Predictions: Elvis Presley sightings will now be coupled with Michael Jackson sightings.

Accompanying Psychic Vision: Elvis Presley and Michael Jackson will appear on stage at the Circus Circus Casino, in Las Vegas, NV, starring in a studded review ... oops ... appearing in a star-studded review. Elvis and Michael's duets will include, "Billy Jean is Not My Hound Dog," "Thriller in Blue Suede Shoes," "One for the Money, Two for the Show, Three to Get Ready and Four to Beat It," and "Jail House Rock With You."

May 31 Predictions: Spring will still occur after winter.

Accompanying Psychic Vision: Spring will be sprung due to global warming.

June 31 Predictions: The summer solstice will take place on June 21 this year.

Accompanying Psychic Vision: Do I see Druids, dancing around a bunch of pointy rocks?

July 31 Predictions: Meteorologists will predict record-breaking highs across the country.

Accompanying Psychic Vision: There will be record-breaking lows, with temperatures hovering near five degrees across Colorado, Wyoming, and Utah. The Summit on Global Warming, in Chester, Utah, will be canceled due to frozen water pipes in the men's outhouse. Participants will be served Moon Pies and R.C. Cola as consolation ... that is, if Al Gore's fans don't finish them off first (the Moon Pies, not the participants).

August 31 Predictions:Associated Content contributors will continue to gripe about the pay scale.

Accompanying Psychic Vision: Associated Content's site will be hacked into by the same little ol' ladies as above-who happen to write for AC-and all contributors will mysteriously receive a $100 bonus at their PayPal account. (Bless those little ol' spinsters, and may their noses never run and their panty hoses never drip. Or vice-versa.)

September 31 Prediction: Despite the fact that most people are tired of hearing about them, Bella and Edward will continue popping up in the news.

Accompanying Psychic Vision: The movie, Bella: Bride of Frankenstein, will be released.

October 31 Predictions: Halloween will continue as both a well-loved and well-hated holiday.

Accompanying Psychic Vision: Lady Macbeth will wander the earth, reciting Halloween haikus, and muttering, "Out damned spot!" Oh ... wait! It's not quite clear to me; the vision is cloudy. It could be First Lady Obama wandering the Oval Office, pointing at Bo's wee-wee puddles on the carpet and muttering, "Out damned spot!"

November 31 Predictions: Hollywood will release its normal plethora of sub par Christmas movies.

Accompanying Psychic Vision: The movie, The Three Musketeers who Came to Christmas Dinner, starring Frodo, the hobbit; Edward, the vampire; and Hagrid, the really big dude, will be released in time for the holiday season.

December 31 Predictions: Visions reported by me, that famous physic ... er, I mean, psychic ... will be proven true.

Accompanying Psychic Vision: Folks will remember they first read the news about Elvis Presley and Michael Jackson sightings here, and will show support by sending dough.

Author's Note: Contact me NOW! I accept cashier's checks and credit cards. Call in the next twenty minutes and in addition to having the fine opportunity to send money, you'll receive a FREE Sham-Whatz-It for the low, low price of $299.99 (not including taxes and tip).

Sources:
Personal Experience