New Year's Resolution Ideas for Paris Hilton

We all know the illustrious Miss Hilton as "One of the Hilton Sisters", or "that dippy one from The Simple Life" -or perhaps even "the Greek Heir's fiancee" (Pick any Greek Heir.) The tabloids are filled with crap about this lady's personal life-some of which she's proud to showcase herself. Controversy seems to be Paris' middle name. So with that in mind, I have a few New Year's Resolutions for her to think about:

1- "I will not make another album until I've had singing lessons."

Has anyone even heard this album? If not, consider yourself lucky. The hotel heiress prides herself on being a newfound pop princess. But the only thing that's popped is the bubble containing all her coy self-confidence. Clearly this lady should take a few vocal lessons, and learn to how sing above a whisper. It would also help if the production weren't manufactured in a multi-million dollar do-it-yourself laboratory.

2- "I will not become engaged until I've dated my guy for at least 2 years."

Really, I don't know what the magic number should be regarding the people that Paris Hilton seriously "dates." It seems however, that even though she's only been engaged twice, that the relationships themselves never lasted longer than 15 minutes. This is why poor Paris should give herself at least 2 years with whoever her newest fiance is. This isn't so that she can make the right choice. The 2-year window is for the gentlemen to get a Reality Check about the girl who's rocking their diamond rings.

3- "I will not date ANY more Greek shipping heirs."

Paris should learn by now that those lovely Greek boys only like to play with her. Poor Paris Latsis (her last fiance) had a time convincing his parents that Miss Hilton was anything more than a Hollywood plaything. Stavros Niarchos, former Mary Kate Olsen beau was no different. It's obvious that as much as Paris likes her Greeks (or their money)-the Greeks only like her [body.]

4- "I will feed Nicole."

Now that Paris and Nicole are back from the "outs"-it seems that they have become inseparable. Has anyone noticed that Nicole seems to be miraculously putting on the pounds again. I think it's because Paris has been feeding her all those hamburgers from the commercials she made. This is great, because now Nicole can stop eating her meals with an eyedropper.

5- "I will make friends with Firecrotch Lindsay."

I have no idea what the big deal is between Lindsay Lohan and Paris Hilton. First they're friends, then they're not. Then they are again. I have trouble keeping up. I can imagine that the ladies would get into a row over who might have slept with who. But at this point, does it even matter anymore? I think that if they team up and become friends, then neither one of them would ever have to worry about being banned from certain Hollywood events.

6- "I will ditch my contact lenses and peroxide bottle."

Have you ever seen Paris in all her natural beauty? Probably not. The world thinks Paris is beautiful with her billowy blonde hair and bright blue eyes. But surprise! Paris is really a brown haired brunette-an attractive one. I actually think she would look prettier without all the Hollywood Princess accoutrements. Perhaps the rest of the world would think so too.

7- "I will not make any more films-period."

Everyone knows about the infamous steamy video of Paris and one of her many lovers. And perhaps you've seen "House of Wax"-the mediocre teen scream film featuring this budding star. I will admit that she did a great job of playing a coy, oversexed twit. Seeing her get killed in the first half of the film was probably worth the 8 bucks it cost in theatres. But this is where her movie career should end. Quit while you're ahead, Paris.

8- "I will stop flashing the cameras."

I don't know about the rest of you. But I'm a little over seeing Miss Hilton's crotch bent over in those infamous "I didn't know the camera was there" poses. It seems that for someone who is so concerned about the world taking her seriously, she keeps putting herself in the position of being mocked.

9- "I will not date married men."

Travis Barker. Shanna Moakler. Fists. Hair pulling. Enough said.

10- "I will not drink and drive."

There are already so many Hollywood folks doing community service time for pushing their Lambhorginis and Ferraris past the speed limit while under the influence. It seems a little trite for Paris to have joined the ranks. At any rate, not only is it really uncool to have a DUI mugshot in your photo album. It's also extremely unsafe. You've got enough money for a designated driver. Get one.