New Year's Resolutions You Can Keep

Are you tired of making New Year's resolutions only to break them before the end of January of the new year? Well, then you have two solutions. One is not to make New Year's resolutions at all, but that's for the especially weak-willed person. Another, even better, option is to make New Year's resolutions you can easily keep. Why not resolve to do what you may do already? For New Year's resolutions take your pick of the following.

Drink Excessively. Many have gotten an early start on this resolution and will have reasons throughout the year to keep it: celebrating special occasions such as New Year's day and birthdays and assorted holidays, drowning their sorrows, fitting in socially, etc. If you're a heavy drinker you'll likely be accompanied by people who will enable you to keep this resolution. You may stay drunk with a little help from your "friends" and acquaintances. They may also laugh as you hug the porcelain often enough to convince some you're madly in love with it.

Drive While Intoxicated. Many of those who got an early start on the above have also gotten an early start on this resolution. One advantage of having your own vehicle is that you get to kill two birds with one stone in addition to killing other drivers and any people on the sidewalks. Sure, you may wreck, go to jail and lose your drivers license or life and limb, but at least you will have kept your New Year's resolution.

Smoke Like A California Brush Fire. Besides your smelling like a burning tobacco farm any hacking and wheezing you do will be further proof that you've kept this resolution. You may someday also get a chance to be fashionable while lugging around an oxygen tank. Considering recent designer stylings of everyday household items such as trash cans it seems likely that someone somewhere someday will create designer oxygen tanks.

Overeat. Don't let food go to waste, especially not good food. Think of all of those people starving in Third World countries as you pack in enough food to feed every one of them. Amaze and amuse others with your ability to unhinge your jaw and swallow food portions as large as great blue whales. Yell "Jumbo-Laya!" as you cram it in.

Cease All Spiritual Practices. Dismiss whatever is intangible through any of the five senses, cannot be measured or studied in a laboratory, as pure myth or theory. Dismiss all spiritual beliefs as crutches for those too weak to deal with reality.

Ignore Personal Hygiene and Grooming. Hey, your hair wasn't combed when you entered this world, was it? So what if your clothes are tattered and dirty? So you smell like a mobile stink festival. Big whoop. What matters is the person within, not the person's outter appearance, right?

Cease All Housecleaning and Dishwashing. Ants, flies, rats and roaches have a purpose in the world, do they not? For one they ensure that the food particles and other unmentionable things on your floors, walls and dishes and the unidentifiable refrigerator contents don't go to waste. They have to eat too. Home is where the heart is, and dirt is where the home is.

Cease All Yardwork. Allow your grass and shrubs to grow tall enough that your yard resembles a tropical rain forest or the movie set of a George of The Jungle remake.

Be Lazy. Maybe you can convince others that the moss growing on your butt is designer underwear.

Contribute to Air Pollution. You can achieve this in small part with continual farting. Towards that end load up on gas-producing foods such as beans or cabbage. Whenever the urge arises you can fart freely because, hey, the EPA emission control standards are for automobiles and industrial plants only, right?

Stop Recycling. Recycling is for hippie, tree-hugging freaks, not you. Let the more civic-minded fools around you worry about any eventual shortage of resources, overflowing landfills and water and soil contamination.

Be Late for Everything. Some people may half-joke that you would be late for your own funeral. So be it. No worry, no hurry. You don't need to come on time. You just need to come in time. Time is an illusion anyway.

Be Bigoted, Sexist, Racist or Nationalistic. Display your ignorance loudly and proudly. After all, keeping it real ... stupid ... is one of the greatest goals one could have.

Be Inconsiderate of Others. While driving, cut off other drivers, tailgate, turn or change lanes without signaling or signal at the last second, hog the left lane or a turning lane, drive too slow, etc. In store parking lots drive across one aisle into another. Make enough noise at night to rouse the dead. In every way act as if you own the world.

Litter. Tell yourself that littering is your way of giving back to the land that gave to you.

Be A Danger to Society. What's life without a little excitement? We can't have everyone getting all comfortable now. Sometimes you have to shock the system.

Live A Criminal Life. If it weren't for people like you all the world's police officers, correctional officers and probation officers would be unemployed. With their earnings they make purchases and payments like everyone else. That money then circulates in the economy. So, by being a criminal you're actually contributing to the economy. So, don't think of it as crime. Think of it as economic stimulation.

Be Stubborn and Inflexible When You're Mistaken or Misinformed. Unwavering stupidity is a sign of strength, is it not? Some politicians have displayed this and look what it got them: re-elected in many instances.

Get Fired. Think of all the free time you'll gain. You may also eat less, which means you also gain a sleek physique. A fatty diet and being overweight can contribute to heart disease, high blood pressure, diabetes and other health problems. What being fired lacks in economic benefits it makes up for in health benefits, and in the end what's more important, your health or your financial status?

Be Anti-Intellectual, Anti-Learning. You should read and learn less and not pursue a college degree. To stay simple you should prevent your mind becoming cluttered with information. By actively learning less you give the world more of what it needs: another dumb person. If ignorance is bliss as the old saying goes then a dumb society is a blessed one.

Read Only Fluff Such as Gossip Magazines. With the knowledge you gain from reading only fluff you can convince others that you're someone in the know--of absolutely nothing worthwhile.

Pay Bills Late. In time your credit may be such that when you visit the Post Office and feed $20 into its stamp vending machine for a 20-stamp book it will begrudge you credit.

Challenge Authority. To be in authority you must have done something wrong. To stay in authority you must be continuing to do something wrong and be doing it especially well. Oh, and while you're at thumbing your nose at authority, how about actually sticking a thumb up your nose?

Alienate Family, Friends and Acquaintances. Making enemies will save you money. The people you alienate are the people you don't have to buy gifts for later on because they likely won't buy you any.

Be Impatient with Others. Do what you must to remind others that this is your universe and that everyone and everything else in it exists solely for your sake.

Be Vain, Narcissistic. Keep pictures of yourself nearby for any needed emotional boost. Tell your reflection in the mirror, "You can only wish you were as beautiful as me." During sex scream out your own name.

Watch Reruns of The Sarah Silverman Show. You can never have enough bathroom humor, now can you? At least once call the local college radio station and ask them to play Sarah Silverman's "Poop Song."

Blame Others for Your Mistakes. Blame others when you fail or screw up. Part of true maturity is accepting responsibility for yourself, and you're just a child at heart.

Wallow In Self-Pity. Be a perpetual victim, the person others pity and don't want to be. Whine often and use emotional crutches. Treat every moment like a funeral--you're own. Want some whine with that?

Ridicule and Humiliate Those Less Fortunate Than You. It's a cold, cruel world. Make sure that the less fortunate--the disabled, the poor, etc.--remember that.

Be Shallow and Materialistic. So what if you're soulless and have less depth than a wading pool? Intellectual and emotional depth are for nerds and geeks who can't fit in. You should strive to accumulate and horde material wealth, be in loveless relationships and to flaunt what you got while caring about nothing else in the world.

Be Narrow-Minded. Only eccentrics, visionaries, need to see any farther than the tips of their noses--where all they need to see and know is perched. If being narrow-minded is good enough for many elected officials and corporate executives--both of who enjoy many perks--then it's good enough for you.

Over-Analyze Everything. Is it merely coincidental that anal is part of analyze? Be anal with passion.

Spray Paint ("Tag") Government Buildings. Many politicians want to understand the common folk. They seem sincere in wanting to understand the plight of the man or woman on the street. So, why not bring some of the streets to them? Let us have tagged government building. Let us also have a vehicle parked on the White House lawn and thugs, hookers, homeless people, drunks, drug dealers, pimps and addicts on Pennsylvania Avenue and on Capitol Hill.

Engage in Public Indecency. Have as much fun as you can have with your clothes off, don't get caught, and have a Happy Nude Year.