New Years Resolutions...And How to Keep Them

So it's about that time of year, when we all pretend that there is something special about a certain day other than it being the day after the day before, and use this opportunity to make a resolution we will inevitably forget. That is, until sometime in early September when we inadvertently complete said resolution accidentally, thereby reminding ourselves of it, and feeling an inflated sense of self-respect.

All cynicism aside though, I may as well offer some advice in keeping the resolutions. I'm assuming that 99% of you made the resolution to either stop smoking or work out more than once or some form of being healthier than you currently are, so that's what I'm shooting for. The other 1% resolved to date Jessica Alba. Come on, just get serious, you're not even trying.

1. Get rid of cable TV. It will save you money, it will get rid of distraction, and next time your friends are talking about Desperate Housewives of New Jersey, you won't have to pretend you don't watch it.

2. For god's sake don't join a gym, you know very well it will be a waste of money and you'll go at most one time. Instead, buy some sneakers and join a sports team or a running club, then you'll actually be forced to get off your arse and move those legs. Plus, you now won't have TV to use as an excuse.

3. Get a girlfriend/boyfriend that is obsessive about their weight. That way, after a few months of trying to convince them they look fine, they will make you feel guilty enough and you will start going with them for 3 hour jogs around central park.

4. Move into a 7th floor walk-up. Let's face it, you'll pay half the rent and unless you want to sleep on the 3rd floor landing next to that creepy balding guy that screams at football games at midnight when everybody knows there are not actually football games on so he must be watching a recorded game, then you'll be forced to get in the equivalent of a $100/month NYSC membership EVERY DAY. Plus you'll get to actually see what sort of people live on the 7th floor of a walk-up. Let me know what they're like, I've always wanted to know.

5. Most importantly, stop going out all together. We all know you only smoke when you drink, which really means you only smoke to look cool to those cute hipster girls at Down The Hatch. Become a hermit, you save money, you stop smoking...but then again, this negates point 3. Better idea: Google 'tongue cancer' photos. Done.

FYI My new years resolution? All of the above.