Newcomer Rejection by People Living Around North Central Washington's Okanogan River

The question of personal rejection came up during a regular weekly bible study group meeting. The group was meeting at Phoebe's home near the mouth of the Okanogan River in North Central Washington State. Only six of the regular group attended, others were absent for a variety of reasons. Besides Phoebe, the attendees included Felicity, Joyce, Eleanor, Romanda, and Laura who was acting as the group facilitator and moderator.

They are always friendly and open. Still, they are very careful to avoid clashes and appearing to take or give offense. That is why the question asked was a bit unusual. Felicity's direct and blunt response came as a surprise and maybe even a shock to the others.

The Question and Answer

It started when Laura, as moderator, asked the others "Have any of you felt rejected?" Then after a minute with no reply she then asked, "Do any of you want to share your feelings of rejection?" After a brief pause Felicity made her startling response, "Yes, I do." She then described three examples of her personal rejection experience.

She told how she had experienced more rejection from people living in the area than anywhere else she and her family had previously lived. She added that the form and frequency of that rejection was, in her experience, more pronounced as well. She then described how she met some local women through church related activities when she first arrived. These women along with several others had introduced themselves to her as "decent Christians". She went on to describe how all of these women had invited her to either visit them at their homes, join their club, or to come to a regular lunch with them at a local restaurant.

Home Visit Rejection

After visiting with those who invited her to their homes, Felicity received no further contact from them. These women neither accepted similar invitations from Felicity nor did they follow through with their invitation for Felicity to "come again soon".

Felicity made several attempts to contact those whom she had visited by inviting each of them to visit her. These invitations included telephone calls, emails, and cards. If, while going about daily activities in town, Felicity, met any of those ladies she again invited them. However, they were either too busy to talk with her or they avoided meeting her. In short, Felicity had no further social contact with most of them. Felicity endured this rejection for months.

When Felicity stopped trying, she did not expect to receive any more invitations. After a few weeks of Felicity's silence, however, those women began asking Felicity 'where she had been'. They also asked when could she visit. When Felicity expressed a willingness to again exchange visits asking for specifics the women would become vague and evasive. The conversation would end without any definite agreement.

Club Participation Rejection

In a similar manner those clubs which had accepted Felicity's membership and participation made no further contact with her after she attended a meeting. This meant they did not inform her of subsequent meetings as promised.

Felicity went on to describe how the clubs never replied to her emails, telephone calls, or cards. She simply was asking for information about the next meeting. Here again, Felicity found that the clubs members avoided all personal contact with her. As before, this rejection by the club members would continue for a long time until Felicity lost interest.

As soon as it was obvious that Felicity was no longer interested in the club, they would contact her again. They asked her where she had been and could she come again. Felicity would reply by explaining that she was unaware that the club was still meeting because she had not been informed of any meetings.

Shortly thereafter the invitations would reappear. However, the information on these new invitations was inaccurate. Either the date, time, or location of the meeting would be wrong. Sometimes all three were wrong. After receiving these invitations Felicity then became too busy to attend. Whenever asked, that is what she told the club.

Lunchtime Clique Rejection

The two women who invited Felicity to lunch worked at the same business. Lunch attendees included at least three other women also working for the same employer. Many of these co-workers formed a very tight clique. During each of the lunches Felicity attended the clique members pointedly ignored her. That is, after exchanging initial ritual greetings with Felicity they neither spoke with her nor even acknowledged her presence.

During two of these lunches one of the co-workers who infrequently attended the lunches tried to include Felicity in the luncheon conversation. This women spoke up at the second of these lunches about the rudeness of the others toward Felicity. The clique members brushed that off by saying that Felicity didn't seem to mind. At this, Felicity spoke up disagreeing with their claim. That second lunch ended very shortly after Felicity disagreed. That woman soon thereafter transferred to another location, permanently leaving the area.

After a few more silent lunches with the clique, Felicity made an extra effort to participate in the lunchtime conversation attempting to end their talking around her. She failed. The clique clung so tightly to their rejecting behavior that they began to loudly talk over her. They also began to move her food dishes and utensils in an attempt to disrupt her efforts. Felicity persisted in her attempts to participate in the general conversation through the entire lunch. At the end of the lunch each member of the clique followed their ritualized closing and departure pleasantries. Felicity replied to each in her usual cheerful and ad lib manner.

The next time they phoned to invite Felicity to lunch she declined saying, "I'd be very happy to go to lunch with you when you can acknowledge my presence." She added, "I go to lunch with you in order to have a nice lunch and to exchange experiences not to sit silently like a piece of furniture. I can do that at home." Felicity closed by stating "When you can acknowledge me as a person and member of your lunchtime group I will be very glad to join you for lunch." The clique member said nothing for a moment and then mumbling a vague 'maybe sometime later on' hung up.

Sometime later Felicity learned that the clique was describing her as a rude and demanding person. According to the clique she had a very superior manner and attitude. They also accused her of easily becoming upset over trifles.

Christianity Claims

Felicity explained to the bible study group, "These are the worst examples of this conduct I and my family have ever endured after having lived in Los Angeles, Seattle, Portland, New York City, Dallas-Fort Worth, Detroit, and Chicago." She went on to note that the women had initially gotten her interest in them and their groups because they had described themselves as Christians. Doing so they frequently used such adjectives as "real Christians" or "committed Christians" or "born again Christians" to describe their beliefs and culture.

At this point Felicity then emphatically asked, "If these women don't want newcomers to participate why do they even bother to ask us?" She also asked, "How, as Christians, can these people solicit newcomers or 'outsiders' to join them in fellowship when they reject us in such a cold, thoughtless, and insulting manner?" Felicity then observed, "These people are to be pitied for their rudeness, crassness, and ignorance of what it means to be a Christian."

Felicity then noted that both she and her husband were taught when they were children to keep their promises and to meet their commitments. She pointed out this meant helping others as promised. It also meant following up on those commitments. Felicity informed the rest of the bible study group that as children she and her husband had been taught to NOT be overly influenced by first impressions because people are usually not at their best. She observed that as a child she learned NOT to be overly swayed by the negative comments from existing friends about newcomers. She added that she had found those comments often reflected petty jealousies, prejudices, and fear of change.

Felicity finished by pointing out that as children she and her husband came from families, churches, and communities that insisted that they follow the "Golden Rule". That is, 'Do unto others as you would have them do unto you. Or as found in Matthew 7:12 (1) "So whatever you wish that others would do to you, do also to them, for this is the Law and the Prophets." In a like manner from Luke 6:31 (2) is "And as ye would that men should do to you, do ye also to them likewise."

Once Felicity finished she received prompt agreement from both Phoebe and Eleanor. Phoebe who had been living in the area for more than twenty two years observed that what Felicity described had been going on for decades. Eleanor ruefully noted that she had been born and raised in the area. Then she told how after leaving for some time she came back expecting to be accepted as a member of the community into which she had been born. She regretted having to admit that she had been treated in a similar manner by many, including those who had once been her close friends. Since her return she has seen much of what Felicity described continue.

Romanda mumbled a barely audible complaint that she knew that her husband was experiencing similar treatment at his job. Then, abruptly, she fell silent.

Joyce neither spoke nor showed any discernable facial expression. What she thought or felt about Felicity's comments and observations remains a mystery.

Laura ended Felicity's observations and comments by admitting that she too knew such things happened in the area. Then Laura suggested that the group return to the bible verses they were studying previously. This the group did.

(1) The Lutheran Study Bible - English Standard Version from Concordia Publishing House copyright 2009

(2) The Authorized King James Version of The Holy Bible from The National Publishing Company copyright 1997