Newly Separated or Divorced? What Not to Say to Your Child

One of the worst things a child can imagine is the loss of a parent. In fact, this is something that many children think about often. Separation and divorce are forms of loss to any child, which may be nearly as traumatic as the death of a parent. Explaining to your child why mommy and daddy aren't going to be together anymore can be a huge challenge.

More than likely, your child has noticed that something is definitely wrong. Even if you are splitting under the most amicable circumstances, chances are they have already sensed change in the air and are experiencing some anxiety. Whether it is decided that the mother should be the one to tell the child or their father, this conversation calls for restraint, tact, and forethought. A lot of damage can be done by letting your emotions rule your tongue. This is not the time for accusations or justifications.

This is the time for remaining very calm, telling your child exactly what is happening and answering any questions they may have. Keep in mind that they may have a great deal of fear and even guilt, wondering if the split is their fault. A word of caution, however: Don't say: "It's not your fault." Even if you suspect they are wondering about this, it implies that you have thought of this as a possibility.

Tell them in very basic terms that a decision has been made for the two of you to be apart. You don't have to tell them that it's because of some terrible problem such as abuse, infidelity, or abandonment. Obviously, you want your child to suffer as little damage as possible, and sharing the intimate details of the breakup will inevitably cause suffering. No matter what your personal feelings toward your spouse may be, it is very important that you try to state matters in a calm and reassuring way. Your child will be confused and scared by emotional outbursts and angry words.

Try to chose a comfortable setting for this talk - someplace familiar. Tune in to your child...perhaps if they are small, they need to be held close while you explain things. If they are older, then they will likely have some questions. Try to answer these honestly without being afraid to let them know that certain details are off limits. In other words, do your best to be the adult and maintain an air of dignity.

Don't give in to the temptation to reveal all your spouse's flaws. Remember, to get respect, you need to show respect, no matter how undeserving you think the other parent may be right now. It is not fair to tear down your partner in front of your child. And if you do, it very well may backfire, causing the child to resent you. Regardless of the circumstances, you want to engender respect for the other parent. Assure them if possible that even though things will be different, they will still see the other parent. Reassure them that you both love them very much.

Even though it may be one of the most challenging conversations you will have with your child, it can be much less traumatic if you give careful attention to controlling what you say and how you say it. Be calm, be honest, and be mature. If you feel the need to vent, don't do it in front of your child. In the end, you can earn your child's respect by cultivating open, honest, and respectful communication about your separation and divorce, thus minimizing the sense of loss they feel.