NEWS ITEM: Parrot Disarms Police Officer - Disrupts Process of Justice

Okay, maybe the title sounds sensational, but in a figurative sense it's all absolutely true. Here's the story...

Recently I was on a long road trip, driving around very late one night. I had driven for two hours already and was getting fatigued and a little sleepy. So I pulled off the highway and found an empty construction lot in the middle of the countryside. Secluded and unlit, the lot was a perfect place to stop for a snooze. At the far end of the lot I saw a few long-haul trucks parked for their drivers' evening rest. I figured, if they used this lot for some Z's, so could I. So, zzzzz....

After my nap, I tilted my seat upright, and turned the key to wind up my car's seething diesel-hydrogen power plant, shoved her in gear, and pulled out to the lot's exit adjacent to the onramp. I saw a car approaching me from the distant countryside darkness, but I could see I had loads of time to get onto the highway and up to speed without slowing the other guy. I pulled out and got onto the tar okay.

It seemed that only a moment had passed when the approaching distant car had gobbled up the space between us and pulled right behind me, red-and-blues flashing now like a disco mirror-ball from hell. A cop! I was busted!

UH-OH... FLASHING LIGHTS

After I pulled over, I stopped the engine and extracted my wallet to prep for the inevitable ID inspection.

The officer trained his flood beam right through my back window. Amidst the excitement of flashing lights and the adrenaline-laced uncertainty of the upcoming tense moments, I saw the policeman cautiously side stepping his way to my window. On the chance I was to pull a weapon and started firing, these troopers are trained to step sideways like that, presenting a low profile and thus increasing the chance that I would miss him while firing.

No such thing... Seeing him walking sideways like that reminded kind of... well... a bird (oddly enough) walking precariously across a slice of greasy jello. Come to think of it, he kinda even looked like my bird. Given what was going to happen to Mr. Policeman next, uh... Hmmm....

Standing confidently now at my window, what Mr. Officer wasn't prepared for was a shock to his heart - fired from the most ultimate secret weapon!

RATED "AV" FOR AVIAN VIOLENCE: TOUGH GUY, INTERRUPTED

The trooper began his spiel with proper finesse, "Sir, do you know why I pulled - OH MY GOD, WHAT THE HELL IS THAT!!!"

A flurry of feathers!

He staggered backward away from my car window. Reeling, visibly shaken, confused and utterly shattered, the lawman looked like a naked monkey wearing a uniform - or something like that? Anyway, it was Kodak moment...

No, I wasn't winking at him while wearing a clown suit (maybe I'll try that next time). No, I hadn't pulled any manner of a fast one on him. What had floored this poor law dog was something ultimately more heinous - definitely much more utterly devastating than anything he had ever dreamed of in his worst of nightmares.

The palpitations our fine officer experienced was due to the sudden and unexpected appearance of my bird, Chico! Arriba!

FEATHERED FURY

All two ounces of fine feathered fury were bristling up for some serious trouble!

Heaven forbid, all those brightly flashing lights had interrupted the otherwise happy slumber of Mr. Fuzzy-Head Himself. Chico had been so cozily napping under the warm folds of my shirt. Like a bear rudely awakened from a wintertime slumber, Chico wasn't going to let the offender walk off without at least a healthy bite on the hand.

This guy - who cares if he's wearing a uniform - was going to pay!

Chico had erupted from the "V" in my shirt, underneath my chin. From the police officer's downward-looking viewpoint, the sudden appearance of a beak-brandishing finger-biter underneath my head must have been horrifying specter of phantasm.

Like Barney the Dinosaur at a high school dress rehearsal for La Cage aux Folles, Chico showed up looking like a bad idea with wings.

WHAT THE HELL!!!

I was so proud of him... My feathered Hell-Boy spewed forth from under my chin in his finest show of avian aggression. With a sharply curved and ominously waiving beak, he looked more intimidating than a rusty meat hook in a South Chicago slaughterhouse. Chico barreled down my arm, fully intent on planting a firm bite on the hand of the offender.

That officer was as good as toast.

Luckily for him, with lightning-quick reflexes provided no doubt through years of rigorous law enforcement training, the police officer instinctively jumped back to save himself. He uttered his famous few words before the numbing stupor of shock overcame his otherwise composed faculties - a symptom shared by those few who have ever previously encountered The Rage of Mighty Chico.

With the policeman safely out of beak range, Chico stopped his charge just short of my elbow's edge.

"That'll teach you!" Chico probably thought while hissing defiantly at the officer.

COMPROMISE MOST FOWL

After a few moments, the poor shell of what was formerly a law-enforcing strongman issued an attempt at laughter, broken laughter at best. Still stupefied, he finally blurted, "Well, I never... (more feeble laughter) I guess there's a first time for everything. And that's the first time I've seen a bird shoot outta someone's shirt! Wow! I'll have to tell this one to the boys next time we meet up!"

In a few minutes the trooper recovered. He asked me what Chico's name was, how old was he, and on we went for a few minutes more in harmless banter.

Suddenly, the policeman declared, "Okay! Well have a safe drive!" He dismissed me with a wave and walked back to his car.

FEATHERED FRIEND

Chico got me out of traffic ticket of some kind, or at least I escaped the close scrutiny of an otherwise caffeine-pumped lawman.

As I drove off, I looked down at Mr. Fuzzy-Face sitting on the edge of my shirt pocket. He had regained his composure already and was hunkering down for a more relaxed evening of driving and snoozing. He looked up at me and promptly bit me on the chin, getting out that last bit of aggression in his loving little-man way. Amazing how these buggers can show such "human" qualities.

I owe him some beaucoup seed when we get home. Or maybe I could arrange a date with that big African Gray parrot next door. But ya gotta draw a limit on how far you go with these intelligent little guys. You won't see me walking around the house wearing a feather boa or chicken suit anytime soon.

Chico and I have something beyond a mere human-avian relationship.

He fought the law, and the bird won!

- John

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