Newsletter of HTA

Failings...I begin this message with a deep apology, to you, and to those we could have, as a group helped. I am deeply sorry, there is only one reason for the lack of responsibility and the lack of motivation from me. I have been deeply afraid of what it would mean for me to do what God has asked me to do. I have been too afraid of being too human. I have been fearful of the impact, the change, it would have on me. I do not, and will never have, a proper excuse, or a heart beautiful enough to fully grasp or realize the potential of the dreams of our hearts. I feel very strongly that I must tell you what is at stake with all that we may attempt to do. I think I need to begin at the beginning of my story. I was young, perhaps five or six, when I first had a sexual experience. It was with my male cousin. When I finally told my parents at the age of nine or ten, they asked me where the idea came from. I told them I didn't know. I did know. It was my fault. I knew it then, and I know it now. The deepest problem with this was that it was the first time anything of that nature had happened, according to my memory. I began to realize that I was intrinsically bad, made wrong, a defaulted human being. I should have been recalled, for fear of hurting everyone around me. I did hurt a lot of people, I feel deep sorrow, even today, about what I have done.

This was what ruled my life for sixteen to eighteen years. It destroyed who I could have been. I was so convinced of my worthlessness that after a my first year at UWEC I gave into the extremes of depression and slowly lost touch with anything good I had been given. The fall semester of my sophomore year I didn't go to any classes, I didn't attempt to do anything to change what was going on. I let myself slide. By winter break I had been kicked out of school. The next couple of months were more of the same, I didn't do anything but read fantasy novels, write, and sleep. By the time April rolled around I was beginning to consider suicide on a regular basis. I couldn't drive anywhere without fantasizing about crashes and my death. I wrote stories about it. At the end of April, my pastor and friend, Perry, came to me and confronted me with what he was seeing. He told me he could tell I was extremely depressed. My parents were deeply concerned for me, he was as well. We went on a walk to a local park and we talked about everything, I told him, in the ensuing two weeks, things I had never told anyone. Things that were deeply guarded by who I thought I was. He asked me if I wanted to be well, I realized then that if I didn't get better I'd be dead soon. He asked me if I wanted to move in with him and his wife for a time to begin the recovery process. I did.

Two weeks after living there, we were praying and I was begging God to reveal, explain, why things were so messed up. He did, in a way I had never imagined. He showed me something I had hidden from myself all my life. It was a memory of the only time I had met my Grandpa, the memory was in a bathroom stall where he molested me. This changed everything. To know, beyond a shadow of doubt, that God loves and loved me. To know that the way my life was being lived was not the way He designed it. I have spent the last two years redefining what it means to love and be loved. To forgive and be forgiven. To know the truth and believe it. God has, in the most real way, shown me what I need to do. What my life could be. To know that when I die, God will say to me, "Well done, my son." This has been my story and it fits in with our story because I must move forward from where I am at. I must save the children from the disgusting nature of the lust of men and women. I must change the reality of what sex trafficking is doing to our people, our children , our women, our men. I must change the reality of what aspects of it is permeating our culture. I am telling all of you this to ask for you to come next to me and pick up the pieces I can't hold. I know I can't do it alone, I know community is the way things must change.

Practically I need help. I need a faculty slash staff from the University to be the adviser for the on campus HTA. I need a group of us to organize an event where we can continue the beginning of awareness. A group that can develop ways we can reach the world outside of Eau Claire. A group that can raise funds for groups such as Hagar, and International Justice Mission, and even for local students/faculty/staff/community to go abroad to make a change. I need a group willing to do practical design issues, web and brochure. When I say I need these things I mean the world needs this.

Thank you for reading this tremendously long letter.

Grace and Peace,
Caleb Gerdes