NFL Playoffs 2008! Awesome Predictions!

You probably know me because I'm very important. I'm the same guy who gave you some Really Bad Week-by-Week Predictions for the 2007 NFL Season way back in August.

Oh... so you're not one of the multi-hundreds of people who read that groundbreaking article? In that case, let's start out by admitting that all of those predictions turned out to be wrong. On that note, let me introduce myself as a man who can get up and dust himself off when he gets knocked down a peg or two. So it is that I have returned with my predictions for the first round of the 2007 NFL Playoffs.

AFC: Jacksonville at Pittsburgh (Saturday 01/05, 8:00PM)

Who are these teams and what fool let them into the playoffs? More importantly, why is anybody bothering to air this game on television? Everybody knows that the AFC playoffs won't actually begin until the Indianapolis Colts meet the New England Patriots in the AFC Championship. One of those teams (probably the Patriots) will emerge victorious, only to be decimated by the Green Bay Packers in what will surely be the most glorious Super Bowl of all time, ever.

The Jaguars are pretty important. Their mascot brings awareness to endangered jungle animals. They make saving the rainforest cool again. But are they in any way notable as a football team in this year's postseason landscape? Of course not.

If you go to Steelers.com, you might notice that the Pittsburgh Steelers official game notes for Saturday features a really swell "Did You Know?" section that explains how--back in Super Bowl XL--the Steelers tied the record for most Super Bowl victories (5, tied with the 49ers and Cowboys.) I came up with a new one: Did You Know? This will be the most irrelevant game in NFL playoff history.

Final Score: Pittsburgh Steelers 21, Jacksonville Jaguars 16

AFC: Tennessee at San Diego (Sunday 01/06, 4:30PM)

See above game. The San Diego Chargers should have won the Super Bowl last year but didn't even come close. I think San Diego is a really entertaining team in a conference that has become painfully boring. So it pains me to say that there's no way in hell that it's going to happen for the Chargers this year either. Entertainment value does not put points on the board; having great players with great personalities doesn't do much to defeat the obvious-but-unstoppable forces marching out of New England and Indianapolis.

The most notable thing about the 2007 Chargers is the fact that LaDainian Tomlinson is still a pretty cool guy who wears a sweet-ass Robocop visor inside of his helmet. I wish that counted for more than it does.

And who the hell are the Tennessee Titans? Is that even a real football team? I've never heard of them before...oh, wait... they're that other boring-but-good team in the AFC.

Final Score: Tennessee Titans 40, San Diego Chargers 17

NFC: Washington at Seattle (Saturday 01/05, 4:30PM)

Personally, I didn't think I'd see either of these teams in the playoffs. And yet it's not shocking or interesting to me that they've made it.

I figured the Seahawks would continue their decline; I assumed they'd suck bad enough by now that we wouldn't see them in the playoffs this year--or any time in the foreseeable future for that matter. As for the Washington Redskins, I simply assumed they'd suck because they're supposed to.

Neither of these teams have had very remarkable stories in 2007. They've both just turned out to be pretty solid teams--not incredible teams, not surprising teams... just solid teams. Unfortunately, the fact that they are both boring-as-hell (but solid) teams with no remarkable story makes them both perfect candidates for the impending snooze-fest that we call the Super Bowl.

Final Score: Seattle Seahawks 13, Washington Redskins 10

NFC: New York Giants at Tampa Bay Bucanneers (Sunday 01/06, 1:00PM)

The Tampa Bay Buccaneers will be the team to eventually go on to lose to the Green Bay Packers in the NFC championship. This is largely due to the fact that the New York Giants will go into this game without star quarterback Eli Manning.

Eli Manning will miss this game due to an injury: his feelings will be hurt. During a pre-game meeting, coach Tom Coughlin will suddenly realize that Eli Manning is just as smug--but not nearly as good--as his superstar brother Peyton Manning.

During this meeting, Coughlin will say, "Eli, you're just as smug--but not nearly as good--as your superstar brother, Peyton."

Then he will laugh. Assistant coaches will join in, pointing at Manning and referring to him as a "poop brain" and "fart eater."

Manning will respond by saying, "You guys are stupid dummies." His delicate feelings will not recover in time for the game and Tampa Bay will win handily.

Final Score: Tampa Bay Buccaneers 42, New York Giants 6