Nine Minutes to Happiness

Is it my fault? Was it because we made love? Was it because I took aspirin before I knew? Was it a side effect from my medication? Should I not have been carrying the laundry up and down stairs and hanging it outside? All these questions ran through Janet's mind as she lay on her bed and ran her hands over her cramping abdomen. She couldn't stop thinking of the bright red blood on the tissue when she went to the bathroom or of the darker brown blood she had seen a few days earlier. Why had she not taken it more seriously instead of brushing it off as no big deal because it had stopped shortly after it began? She frantically hoped she was wrong, but...

No baby. No need for the soft white bedding she hadn't been able to wait to buy at the baby boutique she just couldn't seem to walk past. No need for the crib she'd fallen in love with before she had even found out she'd been pregnant and had just ordered. No need for "Mr. Bear"...Steve's impulse purchase on his elated rush home from work on the day she'd phoned him with the news.

Oh no! What would she tell Steve? He'd been so thrilled - so truly amazed and humbled at the thought of becoming a father. He'd been distracted and unable to focus as his mind wandered during the past couple of days. He would be so crushed; so broken. Why hadn't she waited to tell him? If she hadn't said anything until after her first sonogram...if she'd waited until the baby was further along and she could have seen that it was all right.... If only she had waited to tell him he wouldn't have to bear the grief now.

She gathered her thoughts, took a breath, and went to her emergency OB appointment. Alone.

***

Dinner that night was a quiet affair. Neither Janet nor Steve could work up the energy it would take to chew or make conversation. There was no tension in the air, just a quiet and very heavy emptiness -- a thick blanket of grief and loss. Finally, Janet stood and took her untouched plate into the kitchen, scraped her ignored meal into the garbage and put her plate in the dishwasher. Unseeing, and only able to feel her pain and sadness she returned to her bedroom and once again laid on her bed.

Steve came in moments later and laid next to her and gently put his arms around her, kissed her forehead and whispered, "I love you, honey." Janet squeezed his arms, kissed his hand and whispered, "I'm so sorry." Steve kissed her forehead again and replied, "It's not your fault, sweetie. It's not your fault. It happens." Janet nodded and took a deep breath, and Steve held her while she cried. After a while he joined her. ***

"As many as 30 percent of all pregnancies end in miscarriage."

"Miscarriage is the most common type of pregnancy loss."

"Most miscarriages occur during the first 13 weeks of pregnancy."

The doctor's office had been cold and sterile. The friendly and kind people working there didn't seem to belong. It felt dead while she was there and Janet kept thinking how surreal everything seemed.

"So this is the place where they tell you your baby is dead." She couldn't stop her panicking and racing mind. She had been in tears almost non-stop since seeing the blood and tissue. She could no longer bear to go into her bathroom at home, never mind use it. Since that first glance of what was going to be her son or daughter she couldn't bear to look anymore. She didn't want to have to go through this and suddenly wished she were dreaming.

Janet opened her eyes and recognized her bedroom. Her white lace curtains gently moved with the breeze from her open window. The early morning sunlight spilled onto her comforter. The smell of Steve's body wash wafted around the room from their bathroom.

It had been a dream. Only it was a dream about the nightmare. She was really in pain. She was really bleeding. She was really not going to be someone's mommy. Her little wind up clock on the nightstand let her know that Steve would be leaving for work soon. The thought depressed her and filled her with dread. She didn't really want to face today alone.

She felt the tears coming again and shook her head to clear them. She took a breath and threw back the covers and walked into the bathroom where Steve was doing his hair in the mirror. She hugged him from behind and he turned and hugged her back and gave her a tender good morning kiss.

"I'm glad you slept, honey. How are you feeling? You okay?" His eyes were so warm and loving and just the shade of brown you can sink into and feel like the world is all right. Janet smiled, "I'm okay. I'll be okay. Aren't you going to be late for work?"

"I'm not going today." He kissed her forehead and turned Janet around so they could both see themselves in the mirror. "I took the day off and I'm going to stay here with you. You need me. Work doesn't." Janet stared at his smiling reflection in the mirror and said "You're a wonderful man, Steven Parker." Steve chuckled and replied, "I am, and it's because I'm married to a wonderful woman."

Janet was in more pain than she wanted to admit to Steve, so she didn't argue when he told her to lie on the couch after breakfast. She snuggled up with a book and "read" while she watched Steve clean the kitchen and tidy up the downstairs. At lunch she accepted his gift of over-the-counter pain medication alongside her sandwich and tea, and after lunch Steve closed the blinds, put a DVD in and cuddled up with her.

They watched the movie in comfortable silence, interspersed with slight giggling, hand holding and occasional kissing and by the time the clock on the mantel struck two they were both sound asleep dreaming their own dreams.

The next couple of weeks found Janet and Steve talking honestly about their feelings of grief, loss, disappointment, anger and fear. Janet was almost relieved to know Steve felt the same sadness about the miscarriage as she did, and that he completely understood both her feeling of inadequacy and her fear of having to go through this every time they wanted to have a baby. Steve felt all that and more, but didn't share everything with her. After all, it's a man's job to be strong and protect her. He felt so badly for not being able to protect her from this.

Steve was carrying on as usual going to work, playing softball on Saturdays and doing whatever it was he did in the garden when he had the opportunity. Janet made a good show of appearing to carry on. She just couldn't seem to get her act together. She still did housework and managed to function during her volunteer hours at the hospital. She still handled the day-to-day business of home and paid bills, picked up Steve's dry-cleaning and washed the car, but her heart wasn't in it. Every time she thought she was finally coping, she'd find herself bursting into tears or absent-mindedly wondering what color to paint the nursery. Her unborn baby was always on her mind and in her heart. The grief of what never was weighed heavily on her mind.

While Steve was at work thinking everything was all right at home, Janet was sitting in what would have been the nursery frantically clutching the bedding she'd bought for the baby and crying. While Steve was in a meeting with a potential new client and discussing advertising campaigns and future costs versus future earnings Janet was crumpled on the floor in the kitchen in tears mourning the baby she would never hold.

When she slept - IF she slept, Janet would dream she could hear a baby (HER baby) crying, almost pleading for her to come get it. In every dream it was always just around the next corner, or up the next hallway, or in the dark. In every dream she couldn't find the baby who needed her. In every dream she was filled with panic and screaming. Every dream woke her up covered in sweat, her eyes filled with tears, her breath in ragged gasps, and her heart pounding in her chest. Every morning found her pouring Steve's first cup of coffee and smiling like it never happened.

Six months after she lost the baby, Janet lost her mind.
***

After breakfast Steve held Janet's hand, stopping her from wiping off the table.

"Honey, you haven't felt well for a couple of weeks and you still seem so sad around the edges. I made you an appointment with Dr. Clark for this morning and I'm coming with you."

Janet stared blankly into his eyes, and then simply nodded. She turned her back to him and began to fill the sink so she could wash the dishes. She took a deep breath and blinked away fresh tears.

All doctor's offices have the same feel to them, Janet realized. Although this wasn't the obstetrician's office where she'd been when she lost the baby, the family doctor's office was similarly over clean and under decorated. It was meant to look friendly and inviting but lacked all feeling. It felt empty.

"Like my heart", she thought. The nurse called her name just then, making her jump slightly. Steve gave her a questioning glance and Janet gave him a small smile to reassure him.

In the exam room Janet answered questions about how she'd been feeling physically the past couple of weeks, her sadness since losing the baby, and then questions about her stress level, menstrual cycle and any pain or concerns about her reproductive organs.

Dr. Clark, a sweet older man, had been Janet's doctor since she'd married Steve six years ago. He'd been Steve's doctor since Steve was a kid. He was almost like family and had come to their wedding. He'd even sent a note when they'd lost the baby.

"You've had a lot to handle the past couple of months so this could be stress. There is also a stomach bug going around so we're going to take some blood and see what we can see, okay?" Dr. Clark smiled compassionately and Janet nodded. Steve thanked him and shook his hand, then held Janet's hand while the nurse drew blood. After they'd said goodbye and left the office Dr. Clark handed the lab slip to the nurse carrying Janet's blood sample and said, "I want a rush on this. Tell them I'd consider it a personal favor."

Steve took Janet home and made her comfortable in bed. He brought her a drink, some snacks for the day and turned on the television for her. He made her promise to rest and went to work for half the day. When he returned five hours later he found Janet sitting up in bed with a stunned look on her face and the telephone in her hand.

"Janet? Honey, what's wrong? Who was on the phone?" Steve's mind raced with thoughts of who they knew that was old or sick that could have died, who could have been hurt, and who would call them in an emergency. He was almost lost in those thoughts when Janet blinked, looked him in the eye and said "We're pregnant."

Steve jumped onto the bed next to her, put his arm around her and said, "Honey, that's GREAT!" Janet fainted.
***

Janet sat on the bed hugging her pillow to her chest and nervously biting the nail of her index finger while staring out the window. Steve paced quietly beside the bed and then sat facing her and asked, "What is it exactly?"

"I'm just scared. I'm happy, of course I'm happy. I'm just scared it will all be just like last time. I'm afraid to get my hopes up, afraid to 'jinx it' by telling anyone, afraid to get the nursery ready, afraid of what may happen a minute from now, or while you're at work. I just...I just don't want to go through that again. I'm not sure I can. And I'm afraid that if something happens I'll be alone."

Janet wiped her tears away and sniffed into her pillow. Steve knew how she felt. The same thoughts were nagging at the back of his mind too. His heart was full of "what ifs" and guilt that he hadn't been with her the last time. He felt guilty that he had to go to work and leave her, but he knew he couldn't be with her all the time. Even if he found a way to stay home he wouldn't be with her every minute, so it was best to not think about it and try to just deal with the fear. He wasn't sure he could deal with his own fear, and he recently realized that Janet had been living in that fear, living with the sadness and despair of losing their first baby every day since she had told him they had lost it. He felt like a total boob that he hadn't seen her grief, at least, not as fully as it was. He hadn't seen its dark side.

"I know I haven't acted like it, and I'm not sure I realized just how deeply you were affected by everything and I'm so sorry for that...but I know what you're feeling and I understand why you're afraid. I am too. I promise you that I am here for you. I will listen to you, I will give you my undivided attention and anything you need. I dropped the ball the last time. I think I was in a rush to get past it myself so that I could get on with doing what I had to do. I was in a hurry to believe that you were okay so that I didn't have to keep thinking about it, and I'm very sorry for that."

Steve got up and then just stood at the side of the bed with his head down facing away from Janet. She realized then that he had indeed been going through many of the same emotions that she had and had dealt with it the only way he could. She also realized that even though they were on the same page, wanting the same things, promising each other the same things...what they needed to do was go to counseling, which she suggested to Steve. After a quiet couple of seconds he nodded.***

Every Thursday night they went to counseling. They usually left their appointment feeling better. Friday was date night, and Saturday and Sunday they spent together strengthening the bond they had with each other and developing a bond with the baby. They read how-to-take-care-of-your-baby books, baby name books, and Janet found a website online that showed what the baby looked like and told what it was developing at whatever week she had reached. Things were going pretty well for both of them; however, every once in a while Janet would feel her hormones racing and have a day or two during which all her fears surfaced again and she was moody and had nightmares. Sometimes she couldn't wait for Thursday and counseling.

By the time her last month of pregnancy arrived, Janet was truly happy and eager to meet her baby. She was still having the occasional nightmare, but was told that sometimes went hand-in-hand with the raging hormones of pregnancy. Steve was able to cut down on how many hours per week he needed to be at his office and was able to do some of his work from home. Eager though they were, they were also getting a little nervous about the actual delivery.

"Maybe we should do a practice run to the hospital, or a couple of them." Steve suggested after lunch. Janet giggled and agreed. To get the full effect they decided to act like it was a normal moment and Steve went into the den and sat at his computer, pretending to work. Janet went upstairs to the bedroom and giggling again yelled, "Steve! It's time!"

Steve ran through the downstairs, climbed the stairway like a madman and reached the bedroom door at the same time Janet did. He held her arm (to steady her? To urge her along?), guided her down the stairs and out to the car. While she was buckling her seatbelt he yelled "Oh! The suitcase!" and ran back inside to retrieve the missing luggage.

Two seconds later his smiling form darted out the front door and across the lawn to the car. He jumped into the car, started it and buckled himself in all in one smooth motion.

"Nice moves for an old guy," Janet laughed.

"Hey now," he laughed back.

Steve managed to contain his mock urgency and they made it to the hospital safely in nine minutes. In the parking lot he asked, "Is that fast enough? Will you be able to wait nine minutes to give birth?" Janet said, "Well, I've never done it, but I hear it will probably take a while, so I'd guess yes. Nine minutes should be just fine." She smiled, "But maybe we should leave the suitcase in the car from now on."

One week later Janet was standing in the nursery, just taking it all in. There was fresh turquoise paint on the walls, a fluffy area rug on the maple floor, roman shades in the windows, a brand new crib and changing table fitted out in the soft white bedding she'd chosen all those months ago, packages of diapers stacked high in the closet, and a couple of neutral gendered outfits. She decided to ask Steve to bring the rocker up here too. That way she wouldn't have far to go when the baby cried at night.

Thinking about the baby crying at night, she remembered the baby monitor Steve had bought that she'd left on the kitchen counter. She rubbed her big belly and waddled downstairs, planning to call Steve at work and ask him to go ahead and pick up that teeny baby outfit they'd debated over at the boutique last night. It was a preemie size, so it wouldn't fit the baby long, but it should do fine to bring him or her home and take pictures.

Pictures. She stopped in the den on the way to the kitchen and picked up her digital camera and put it in the baby's hospital bag in the hallway. In the kitchen she picked up the phone to call Steve and had just dialed when the pain started.

She gasped in surprise. That had kind of hurt. Steve answered on the other end of the line and she said, "I was calling to ask you to pick something up on the way home..."

"Sure, honey. What do you need?" he asked anticipating a gallon of milk or a much-craved candy bar. He picked up a pencil and circled it over a note pad waiting to hear her list.

"Ow. Um...well, I think I just need you to come home now instead." Janet was grimacing in pain, but smiling slyly at the same time.

"Now? Sweetie I work until -, " Janet could hear the lightbulb light up over his head and grinned. "You mean NOW??" he asked in shock.

"Yes, NOW. I'll be ready. Please don't drive like a maniac." She pleaded, only half-joking.

Despite agreeing to be careful Steve left work a little over-excited and slightly hyper. The traffic was bustling and making him take longer than he had wanted. It felt like hours had passed by the time he turned down their tree-lined street and pulled into the driveway.

He hopped out of the car at the same time Janet appeared in the doorway, baby's bag in hand. Steve ran to Janet, held her arm, looked her in the eye, shook his head, took the bag and ran back to the car and flung the bag into the trunk. Then he turned to Janet, arms outspread, looking like he was waiting for her to jump into his arms so he could throw her into the trunk and Janet giggled, "I don't think so."

Looking sheepish, Steve smiled and slammed the trunk and ran back to Janet. He impatiently helped her waddle around to her side of the car where he all but pushed her in. She was barely situated when he slammed her door closed and disappeared around the car.

Again, as in practice, he did the car start/seat belt buckle maneuver in one smooth motion and they drove off, literally into the sun set. He was hurrying, and nervous and Janet was trying to be calm, afraid that if she became frantic she wouldn't be able to calm down and concentrate when she needed to focus on the baby. Steve was taking corners too quickly, slightly knocking her off balance which didn't combine well with the contractions she was feeling. He looked at her to make sure she was all right and then looked up just in time to see a car stopped in front of them. He slammed on the brakes.

The pressure of going forward, yet staying still pushed down on Janet's already painful pelvic area and she made a low moaning/shrieking sound. Steve wasn't sure he was comfortable with that sound and apologized repeatedly the rest of the way to the hospital. He did stop to think about three blocks away to call them to tell them Janet was coming so that when they arrived at the hospital people were waiting for them.

A nurse helped Janet into a wheelchair and rolled her off down a hallway. Janet turned to him with her arm outstretched and pleaded "Steve!" He tried to sound calm and said "I'll be right there, honey. You're okay."

Steve gave the registration clerk the basics and said he'd come back with the rest of the information later. His wife needed him and he didn't want to miss anything. The clerk smiled and said that was perfectly all right and wished him good luck.

With the help of nurses at the nurses station in the labor ward Steve found Janet just as she'd emerged from the bathroom in her room wearing a hospital gown. When he had tucked her into bed and taken in the whole scene Steve started worrying. What did he know, really know, about "birthin' no babies???"

Janet's midwife, a pleasant woman highly recommended by Dr. Clark, arrived a short time later and talked both Janet and Steve through their breathing exercises. Janet was doing them to manage the pain. Steve was doing them to calm down so he didn't pass out.

As Janet's labor progressed and the contractions progressed from ebbing and flowing to mostly flowing she seemed to need Steve right in her eyes so she could see him. He held her hand, which she squeezed relentlessly, and never lost eye contact and just said "You're doing great, baby. You're doing great." The midwife nodded at Janet a short time later and Steve moved down next to the midwife and pulled on Janet's hands. This was Janet's idea. She had said that when you're pulling on something you naturally use your stomach muscles, so instead of just lying on the table trying to push the baby out she should be pulling which would help her push at the same time. Steve had just nodded and told her if she wanted him to stand on his head and whistle "Dixie" he would.

As the contractions peaked, Steve pulled and Janet pulled back. As they eased up Steve let Janet lie back and breathe. Ten minutes after they had started pushing the midwife said she could see the head.

Steve's confused, nervous and apprehensive mind echoed "the head"..."the head?" And he looked between Janet's legs and saw a small head emerging. The thought of a person pushing its way out of his wife was too much. Steve was upright long enough to see the head of his baby being born, then everything went black.

When he woke up he was on the bed next to the bed Janet was lying in and everything was quiet. He rubbed the back of his head, thinking he must have hit it on the floor. Janet saw him move and whispered, "You're all right, Steve. Dr. Clark was just coming in to check on us and caught you on your way down." She smiled with that "you're such a boob" look on her face, but her eyes were full of love for him.

"If you feel all right, honey why don't you come over here and say hello to your son."

"My son? My. SON." Steve's eyes widened with realization that his life had completely changed while he'd been unconscious. He had hit the floor a husband, part of a couple, and had woken up a father: the head of a family. He was awestruck. He clambered out of the bed and walked over to Janet and finally took in the little squashed pink bundle they had decided to name Dawson.

Steve took the baby from her, asking if it was okay. Janet smiled and nodded. Then she relaxed and stared at her new family. She had been through a lot, but liked to think that she had lost the first baby because for some reason something was wrong with its body. She found solace in thinking that the baby's spirit still wanted to come live with them and was coming this time. (Was here now.) Thinking about it that way she hadn't lost a child, it just took longer for it to get here. She and Steve had come together and formed an even deeper bond because of that loss and today was the first day of a life full of love, hope and possibilities.