No Country for Dumb Movies

You know, contrary to the views of my critics, The G-man is generally a very nice guy. I really am! I'm kind to dumb animals, which includes a few ex-girlfriends. I help frail, old women and men across dangerous intersections. I place money in the cups of blind people and pet their dogs. Hell, I even removed my favorite dartboard with President George W. Bush's picture on it. I do all this to showcase a kinder, gentler and more compassionate G-man. However, every now and then someone or something forces me to transform like "The Incredible Hulk", and I'm compelled to run to my laptop and write an article in effort to release the uncontainable fury and sarcasm that lurk within. Oh no! It's starting again! Stand back! My eyes have turned blue and my enlarged muscles have caused my shirt and pant to rip. Why? I just watched "No Country for Old Men"!

I was jerked on so many levels by this film that it wasn't funny. The first place I'll start is with the title. I thought this movie was about John McCain's 2008 bid for the White House! So, the Coen Brothers got me good. Those insensitive bastards! Next, there were all these ads, on television and in print, claiming that this movie was the most critically acclaimed in the history of cinema. This is where they reeled me in, again! It eventually went on to win "Best Picture", "Best Director" and "Best Supporting Actor" honors at the 80th Academy Awards. Now, the jerking of The G-man was complete. I had to see the film that many regarded as, "a Coen Brothers classic."

I was so thoroughly disappointed that I don't know where to begin. I'm talking about a level of disappointment comparable to spending $20 on lottery tickets for a mega prize and realizing you don't have one damn number drawn from the previous night; or taking the hottest girl in high school to the senior prom and not getting any afterwards; or taking a really good dump at a friend's house and realizing the toilet handle is broken. That's some disappointment for your ass!

While I was able to follow a good portion of the movie, the characters and the ending, that dumb-ass ending, simply ruined the film for me. I won't give anything away because I know my G-fans may want to watch the movie in the future. What I will do is give you my assessment of the stars/characters, many of which still have me bewildered.

Tommy Lee Jones, "Sheriff Ed Tom Bell" - It was painful watching him. The poor man looked as though he was desperately trying to remember what his next line was. If that wasn't bad enough, you couldn't understand a damn word coming out of his mouth. I ran through the Yellow Pages looking for a translator! My thumb is still sore from hitting the rewind button in my search for clarity. What.... the...hell?

Javier Bardem, "Anton Chigurh" - Many critics hyped this character as the most evil, sadistic and terrifying killer to ever grace the silver screen. Let me tell you something, folks. The G-man laughed his ass off whenever this character was in a scene. He looked like 70's figure skating champion Dorothy Hamill.... after a makeover gone horribly wrong! Through this character, the Coen Brothers gave moviegoers a clear visual of what Hamill would've looked like had she taken human growth hormones (HGH). Anthony Hopkins' "Hannibal Lecter" would've had this clown for lunch, literally.

Josh Brolin, "Llewelyn Moss" - Okay, someone please explain something to me. Why would a rugged, tough, beer swilling, tobacco spitting, rifle shooting, leather boot wearing, Marlboro smoking, ten-gallon hat-wearing Texan be named.... Llewelyn? This bothered me to no end. That name doesn't exactly rank up there with "Pecos Bill" or "Jesse James" in cowboy lore, if you know what I mean. This sounds like a guy who'd jump at the chance to give you a manicure and pedicure. I seriously doubt Old West townspeople would've trembled in fear if someone shouted, "Oh, shit! Here comes Llewelyn! You'd better run! You have to give the Coens points for consistency because, just like that damn ending, this made no sense to me.

Woody Harrelson, "Carson Wells" - If you ever needed an example of what inappropriate casting is, this is it. The Coen Brothers couldn't have expected the public to take Harrelson or his character seriously. Again, I won't give away his purpose in the film, but I will say Harrelson's character was as useless as titties on a broom! The G-man kept hoping, praying, to hear members of the film crew whisper "Norm!" or "Sometimes you wanna go.... where everybody knows your name!" in the middle of his scenes. What a waste! I guess the Coens pay well.

Kelly MacDonald, "Carla Jean Moss" - The G-man has nothing but nice things to say about this young lady and her performance. She was engaging and served a true purpose in the film. Quite frankly, this character is probably what kept me interested in the film.

Garret Dillahunt, "Deputy Wendell" - Do you folks remember the cartoon character "Ricochet Rabbit", who was a sheriff featured in the "Magilla Gorilla" series? If you do, you'll recall he had a partner named "Deputy Droop-A-Long". The rabbit's sidekick methodically plodded along in each episode with no clear purpose. That is exactly who Deputy Wendell reminded me of. The only thing missing was a snout and curly tail.

This movie has me twisted in all kinds of ways. I haven't slept. I binge on stale Doritos and fruit juice that expired months ago. I've soiled myself several times and attacked the mailman for no apparent reason. My dog won't pay poker with me anymore, and the cat took the rent money and bounced to Vegas. The Coen Brothers have created complete havoc in my life with their stupid movie. No Country for Old Men has allowed them to smile and laugh all the way to the bank, while The G-man has had to undergo therapy for the trauma they've inflicted through that bullshit final scene. My psychiatrist said the best way to deal with my anger is to openly express it. This being the case, The G-man would like to say one last thing to Academy Award-winning directors Joel and Ethan Coen. The movie sucked, Friendo!