No, You Don't Have to Eat Dinner with Your Kids

You come home from work and your wife puts dinner on the table. Your two kids sit down right away and the family all discusses their day. The conversation is pleasant and the family dinner hour is an anticipated time of the day. Right? Only if you are the Cleavers and Beaver and Wally aren't fighting.

Today's family is not quite like that. Everyone is getting home at different times, tired, hassled, and not really in the mood to talk about much at all. The dinner table is often a place where people argue and fight. But despite that you continue to insist that everyone eat dinner together. You think family hour is important and it's going to be at dinner time. Why? Because June Cleaver did it that way and you will too.

Here is a new idea. Family hour does not have to be dinner time. It can be any time. And here's another new idea. Family time does not have to occur every day no matter how old your kids are. What's important is that family time needs to be a nice, enjoyable time. And if it only happens a few times a week it's better then a nightly riot.

Anger and tension affect digestion. So if after a hard day at work you get up from the table with heart burn, acid indigestion, and stomach or chest pains you need to change the family attitude about dinner. I bet you often consider eating out because you don't want the dinner hour conflict.

As a family therapist I see this all the time. Parents think that the way to have a cohesive family is to have dinner together. Despite the progress we have made with women working out of the home and so many people traveling for work we still believe we have to emulate the Cleavers. I want to formally release you from that obligation and have you stop living in 50's television any more. Let's get real.

Your kids live stressful lives too. They don't need to have their dinner hour full of criticism and correction. Other then correcting table manners, like don't spit food, or don't put your elbows on the table, punishment and discipline does not belong at the table. They are just as entitled as you to enjoy their dinner. But if they are not going to behave, you don't have to eat with them. There is nothing wrong with kids eating before you get home. In fact, if you tend to get home late, they shouldn't have to wait for you. They get over tired and hungry and behave badly as a result.

If your children are very young and will go to bed right after dinner then spend 15 minutes with them before you eat and then put them to bed. If they are older let them eat first and spend some time with them after dinner. If you eliminate the war at the table that's one conflict less everyone has to deal with. You will be more relaxed after dinner and be able to handle the note from the school or the F on the report card.

If you are able to have quiet pleasant family dinners then by all means do so. But if they are not, then don't force it. It is very unhealthy for everyone to have conflictual dinners. Let it go. The life you save may be your own.