No Future for Sweatpants

I love science fiction and for all the possibilities that books, movies and television has given us about the future; whether it be the luxury of flying cars, the ability to travel the galaxy at the speed of light, or equal pay for women. (A gal has to be optimistic that it will happen someday) One thing has been made very clear; there is no room for sweatpants in the future.

I've never seen Captains Kirk or Picard parading about the Enterprise in gray sweats and sleeveless tee-shirts, and certainly none of the female hensmen, especially in Kirk's rein, was attired in Hanes active wear and sneakers.

If you are a sci-fi connoisseur then you'll nod your head when I say that Charlize Theron's character Aeon Flux (in the same named movie) certainly would not have made a very effective, futuristic assassin in a tee-shirt, stretch pants and a pair of white deck shoes. And the Matrix character Neo wouldn't have been quite so dark and leathery had he been fighting robotic-overlords in gym-teacher attire, complete with whistle and clipboard.

There doesn't appear to be any room for sweatpants in the future because the futuristic outfit of choice, as science fiction would have it, appears to be Spandex. (With some PVC and stretchy wool thrown in on occasion)

Spandex first brings to my mind those colorful, body hugging unitards made especially popular with comic book superheroes. After all, would Superman have looked so super in a navy blue velvet sweatsuit?

While Spandex, in all its scary glory, has been around for generations, glorified by heavy metal rock bands and a few country music icons who paraded around on stage in them some thirty years ago, it has not so surprisingly, failed to really take off.

Sure, Spandex is widely used amongst athletes, dancers and wrestlers today. It's stretchable, comfortable and lightweight. It's a key ingredient in a multitude of what we would consider normal clothing, such as to make a beloved pair of jeans stretchy. It also has some interesting facts and history, for instance, Spandex fiber can be stretched up to 610% beyond its original length without breaking and quickly back again and melts at an impressive 480F.

Okay, so that's not quite so much interesting as boring, but how about a Swedish state law that prevents the sale of Spandex to anyone weighing more than 30 stones (That's 420 pounds) and the symbol Prince once used for his name is the chemical sign for Spandex.

How about Ronald Reagan once declaring Spandex helped win WWII?

For being so popular and a tad bit historic, Spandex has yet to break into mainstream fashion. At least, in such a manner so widely and popularly touted as the "it" if not "only" piece of fashion hanging in the closets of a science fiction based future.

Is it the unforgivable-to-most-figures uniqueness? That we've yet to walk into a place of business, embark down a grocery aisle or stroll through the park, and see everyone from one to 99 jaunting around in their rainbow assortment of Spandex uniforms?

Is it because we've not the hour-glass shape of heroines, or the Schwarzenegger-size biceps of heroes?

If this be the case, whose idea was it anyway to force our future or potentially heroic selves into this leave-nothing-to-the-imagination piece of fashion? Was it an Adonis who foresaw a future where we all have perfect bodies or a couch potato who thought it a riot to make us all sweat with worry?

Whichever the case, it doesn't look like sweatpants have much of a chance in our future closets or runways, but if Spandex must I'm hopeful that unlike comic book superheroes we won't be forced to wear our underwear on the outside.

Originally published in the Daily Advocate 2007.

Bethany J. Royer-DeLong is currently entrenched at home fighting the good war against the gimmes and the I-don't-wannas. She blogs recklessly, as all mothers of children under the age of five should, and has been working on that "supposed" great American novel, times a dozen. You can visit her at motherofthemunchkins.blogspot.com and email her at broyerdelong@yahoo.com