No Moping Allowed! How to Recover After Your Spouse Leaves

Yesterday, everything seemed normal. You woke up next to your spouse, got up, dressed and went about your daily routine. You spent the day at work or caring for home and children and then settled down to an evening of relaxation to close out the day. You may have had a spat with your spouse - nothing drastic - just the same old disagreements, warmed over and expected to kiss and make up, like so many times before. And then the inconceivable happens: Your spouse tells you that he is having an affair and is leaving you for a new lover. All matter-of-factly, he tells you. It's been on his mind for a while.

What jumble of emotions go through your mind in the next few hours, days or weeks! I remember feeling like I was struck by lightning when I first got the bad news. Or perhaps it was more like a derailing, a catastrophic moment in time, but viewed in slow motion: Life slipping irreversibly out of control. I cried for a week, I'm sure. I don't recall much else, although somewhere in there, I must have cajoled and pleaded. I might have yelled and blamed as well, but he was quick to dump all responsibility for our failed marriage into my lap, so I gulped up the guilt and begged forgiveness.

If you've experienced this type of abandonment, you may have done the same and you may still worry about fault and blame. You may still be calling him and asking for another chance. Worse, you may be spying on him and his new love interest, hoping that confrontation and anger might break the happy couple apart and he'll remember how much he loved you.

All of these behaviors, while normal reactions, are counterproductive to recovery. They stifle your growth and hold you back from the wonderful adventure of life that is beckoning just outside your comfort zone, waiting to be explored. While being abandoned is always painful, there are some simple steps you can follow that will boost your self-esteem and speed you toward healing.

1. Keep the focus on you

What can you do right now to be kind to yourself? Instead of perpetuating 'his' unkindness by beating yourself up, try focusing on ways to treat yourself well. Do something positive! Buy a new dress, read a favorite book, go to the movies, or make steak with asparagus for one tonight. The more you value yourself right now, the faster you'll heal.

2. Call your friends

There is no shame in what happened to you. Don't hide in the shadows, but reach out to those who care about you. Perhaps you're embarrassed because you've been out of touch for a while, but don't let that stop you. A true friend is always glad to hear from you, even after a lengthy absence. Tell your friends honestly about your situation and let them comfort you. It is what friends do best.

3. Everything is as it should be

Don't dwell on the 'what-ifs' of your relationship. Trying to change the past prevents you from embracing your future. There is a future for you. There is also a purpose for your solitude. Take the time to get to know yourself again. Remember the things you did before you were married that gave you joy. Remember who you were before you melted into coupleship. In a piece of music, pauses add drama and expectation. Consider this a pause in your life and get excited about the music that will follow.

4. Get organized

You'll be sorting out his things soon, so take a moment to put away anything that doesn't fit into your new lifestyle. Put away pictures of the two of you together and any memorabilia you have of trips you two have taken. Stuff everything in the attic. Perhaps some day, years later, it's safe to look at them again. If your kids are on the photographs, place some of the pictures in their rooms. Don't look at them, except when you're dusting. Throw away his letters or burn them. Re-organize and re-paint bedroom and living room if you can. Reclaim your home. Make it yours. Toss out any clutter that accumulated during the marriage. Not only does it make your home nicer, it also keeps you busy.

5. Set boundaries

He may have left by his own choice, but the terms of his interaction with you are not just up to him. Let him know what you expect of him. Should he call before stopping by to see the kids? Should he open a separate checking account? Keep to a regular visitation schedule? You have a say in this. Try to stay composed and keep your voice civil while you make your point. Refuse to get entangled into senseless arguments. If he starts one, get up and leave and tell him to call after he calms down. Keep your interactions to a bare minimum.

6. Get advice

Contact your banker about some financial advice on how to best develop an independent savings and investment plan. If you have debts, consider debt counseling. Budget smartly, to stay independent of his good graces. If you feel overwhelmed, seek the advice of a licensed professional counselor or life coach to help keep you on track of your recovery. If you fear that your ex will walk all over you in divorce court, consult a capable attorney soon after the breakup to protect your assets.

7. Give yourself a lifetime achievement award

You may feel overwhelmed by your imagined inadequacy, but don't forget all you've accomplished. Take time to write down these achievements, no matter how small they seem. You might surprise yourself at how many pile up after a while. Applaud yourself for each and every achievement and arrange an award ceremony for just yourself or for your family to celebrate. Realize and let them realize, how well you master life and how well equipped you are to face the future. In the wake of all this positive energy, there will be little room for fear or regret.

Each step outlined here is manageable and will help you find new footing in your changing world. You will still be sad at times and you will be angry or afraid, but you have the tools to change your focus and propel yourself into a more positive direction. You may have thought that you were broken, but you were only bent down and now that you are strengthened, you will bounce back with renewed energy and an unstoppable spirit. May you find excitement and challenge in your new life!