No Music To My Ears: Why Nickelback Sucks

Phil Dotree, Yahoo! Contributor Network
Apr 25, 2007 "Share your voice on Yahoo! websites. Start Here."

Every once in a while, a band comes along that makes you rethink your perception of music; the Nirvanas, the Replacements of the world, they really innovate in a way that's both engaging and unique. I'd like to go on record as saying that Nickelback somehow un-does the contributions of all of those great bands; they are bad enough to make any music fan begin to hate music.

Now, before I keep ranting, it's important to note that everyone is entitled to their opinion, and different musical tastes are part of what makes the world so interesting. That being said, anyone who enjoys the music of Nickelback is a complete and utter retard.

I first heard Nickelback's timeless hit "How You Remind Me," in high school, and I remember thinking...well, nothing, Nickelback music tends to numb thought. It was like Genesis, Bon Jovi, and Creed formed together and chose a frontman who looked like a bizzaro version of Kurt Cobain with a perm.

The first thing you'll notice when listening to a Nickelback song is that your ears have begun to bleed. That's because the singer of Nickelback, Chad Kroeger (who, it's fun to point out, has been arrested for driving drunk, though I'd tend to believe that it was a mistake since I doubt he can walk in a straight line or sound uninebriated in any circumstance), sings like a horse would sing, if someone tried to teach a horse English but then gave up after the horse learned a few basic vowels and consonants. "NEVERWHOWAAAASSSAAAAWAAAMAAAN", he exclaims, sounding as sincere as an insurance salesman. Every vowel is "a" or "o", and every rhyme is the first one-syllable word that appears in Webster's Rhyming Dictionary for 5th Grade Kids With ADD.

And if you're lucky enough to catch a glimpse of one of Nickelback's videos, you'll surely be impressed by the tight shirts and manicured Hollywood looks of everyone in the band. C'mon, this is supposed to be a rock band? Gary Glitter was more masculine and down-and-dirty than these guys.

Someone pointed out a few years ago that all Nickelback songs are the same, and yeah, they pretty much are. You can counter with, "Hey, Muddy Waters always used a basic I-IV-V progression, too," but let's get this straight: Nickelback isn't playing the blues, and they're not putting their souls into their power chords. They're a commercial band repackaging a commercial product under a slightly different circumstance in order to reap money--not artistic integrity or musical dexterity--from the same damned thing they've been doing for years.

I know that I'm not going to be able to convince every Nickelback fan of the band's supreme suckitude, but you know what? I can live with that. As long as I systematically find and incapacitate them all. Once nobody's buying the crap, believe me; it'll disappear.

I'll let you get back to your web browsing.

Published by Phil Dotree - Featured Contributor in Arts & Entertainment and Technology

Phil Dotree has written copy for numerous websites and news sites for five years. His articles have appeared on the Howard Stern Show, Fark, Digg.com, and more. Phil is currently working on a book about fr... View profile

No Music To My Ears: Why Nickelback Sucks

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