No Room for Love; Ruby's Awakening

Ruby was a child who was filled up with so much love she couldn't help but share it with everyone. Her love was never limited to just those closest to her, but to anyone who was lucky enough to receive it. She had such wondrous dreams of sharing that love with the world, only for them to be crushed like a brittle leaf beneath the foot of a giant. What would eventually crush that unlimited capacity for love that Ruby had was the insidious, and relentless thing we call pain. Ruby would have never believed for a moment that something existed that could take up so much room inside herself, that there wouldn't be any room left for love.

Ruby had many dreams as a child, but one of her favorites was to become a missionary in Africa to share her faith and her love of God, with those who were in so much need. She'd spend many hours thinking about traveling from village to village, and teaching the love of God to others. She kept thinking about the Bible colleges she might attend, to learn what she needed to, so she might be of service to others. This gave her such joy. Unfortunately, Ruby's father was very much against religion, and this weighed heavy on her mind. Ruby, like most little girls looked up to her father, and would never do anything to displease him. This was quite a serious dilemma for such a little girl to have to ponder. In the end Ruby never did tell her father about her joyous dream, she just decided to do what would be acceptable to him. This sacrifice would be her first introduction to pain. Being Ruby was so young and didn't quite no what to do with this pain, she just tucked it away inside. Little did Ruby know that when we tuck it away, it never really goes away.

Many years past, Ruby met what she thought was the love of her life. They were married, and had a child. At first Ruby was so happy that the long ago dream she once had, was not even a thought. As Ruby's marriage became more and more difficult over the years, and the problems so insurmountable, Ruby became seriously disturbed by the decisions she may have to make. She didn't believe in divorce, but the situation became so painful, and seemed so unsolvable, a decision would have to be made. Whatever she was to choose, was going to be painful. Ruby finally mad the decision to not continue the marriage. It took her a very long time to accept and come to grips with the ending she felt she had to choose. Again, stuffing a way the pain, and only hoping that eventually it would go away.

Through the years Ruby has had many people go in and out of her life since her divorce, unfortunately, only to be seriously hurt by them, and left with only pain. Each time Ruby would bury the pain, thinking that when we bury something, it must be dead and gone. Ruby couldn't be further from the truth. You see the only way to get over pain is to go through it, not hide it away, and pretend it doesn't exist. One day, Ruby became very much aware, that the pain she thought was gone and forgotten filled her up so much, that there wasn't any more room for love.

Ruby would always tell her friends, and others about the strange sensations she felt when she would come across someone who seemed to have no emotions. Ruby referred to these people as those with empty eyes, and no feeling in their words. It was as if no one was home, in the house they called their heart. These types of people were very unnerving to Ruby, she didn't like being around them at all. Then something very strange happened that made Ruby aware of perhaps she too, was becoming one of these empty, numb people that she herself hated to be around.

The moment it exactly happened is unclear. Perhaps it was a slow, creeping affliction that just snuck up on Ruby one night in the dark. All Ruby knew that was one day, while she was saying I love you to someone very close to her, she realized she felt nothing. The words were right, they sounded of love, and caring, but the feeling was just not there. My God, she realized that she had become that which she disliked so much. Why was this happening? She didn't understand where all the love, and affection she once had so much of went to. It was then she understood that she had taken in so much pain over the years that it completely filled her up. There was no room left for love. She started to panic, trying to figure out where to find the love again, and how to get it back. What was she going to do?

Ruby started to remember that the one thing that always filled her with love when she was little was her love for God. She started to remember the overwhelming peace she felt when talking to God. Nothing in life had ever made her feel the way God did. She realized at the moment, not only did she tuck away the pain of giving up her dream of serving God and others when she was little, but she also tucked away God. Had this been what was missing in her life all these years? Ruby realized she had spent so many years looking to others to make her happy, only to be disappointed. She was amazed that too many years had taken her further and further away from her little girl dream, and closer and closer to all the pain. She couldn't believe that the answer to her pain, and emptiness, was just a prayer away. In her own way Ruby had been unknowingly keeping the pain in her heart, which left little room for God. Ruby is now replacing her pain with the love she has for God, and slowly learning how to feel again, as she did as a child so many years ago.