No Tip

The next time Lou tells me to work this route, I'm gonna tell him where to stick not only my stupid blue ball cap, but the pizza keep-hot bag and maybe the car, too.

I just got out of there, and it wasn't exactly the dream delivery. There was no tip and 30 stitches. It started out just fine, I rang the bell, the man came to the door, done it a million times. Sure, I thought it was weird that the guy was dressed in leather and one of those zipper hoods, but, as long as he's payin', each to their own, right? He had the eye holes and mouth hole unzipped, so I could see him ID me and hear him say, "I gotta get my wallet, hang on. Better yet, just step right here out of the cold, won't ya?"
I know, this is where you call me a idiot, and I have given proof that it's true, but I did it. That's the last thing I remember.

Nothing like ice water to bring you back around. That, and a hard slap across the face from a fantasy writer's night dreams, a spandex and leather covered vixen with one of those tail-whip thingies, I forget what they're called. "What did you bring for me?," she asks, voice sounding like a bunch of rocks in a coffee can.

"Pepperoni and extra-cheese," I said. I figured the truth was the way to go here.

"No, I think there's something else." I hoped, for her sake, that it was contacts making those eyes red. "You have...the key!"

"You want my car? Take the piece of crap and I'll walk out of here, lady."

She grabbed me in a very sensitive area. "No, the KEY!"

The guy with the mask was zipped back up. He walked toward me, for what I don't know. Maybe I asked for this and didn't know it.

"Get him ready!" He jerked me up, chair and all, and led me to the bathroom. Then they had Mr. Happy out and Mr. Eyes blindfolded. I didn't think this was going to be a pleasant occasion. The door burst open, and the lights went out again.

So, I've made my statement, Officer, and I have one simple request. I'm sure you guys don't get this one all the time, so maybe you'll do a guy a favor, eh? I'll sign a waiver, I'll give a....what's it? One of those taped jobs they use in court, whatever, but I've got to have this. Keep in mind, I pay your taxes!

One more shot, right on top here. I've got to forget this crap!