Noah's Ark: What is it and Where Did it Come From?

As an ordained minister of the Universal Life Church, I get lots of perks (the Internet is a wonderful thing). For instance, I can legally marry people. Plus, there are those wild minister groupies. A couple bottles of sacrificial wine and these chicks are ready to do things that will have them on their knees the next day begging God for forgiveness! I also get to pretend to know a lot about religion. To further strengthen that facade, I spend a lot of time answering questions about the Bible while spreading the word of how much God loves us.

The one story that really seems to inspire a lot of questions is the one where God loves us so much that he kills virtually every living thing on Earth-babies included. The lone survivors are an extremely old man, his family, and a boatload of smelly animals. So as a service to you, the stupid, I have compiled some of the most often asked questions about Noah's Ark with answers that will surely help you see that Mother Goose has nothing on the Big Guy in the Sky.

I heard Noah was something like 500 or 600 years old when he built the ark. How could a man that old have the energy to build such a large boat? I get tired just taking a dump in the morning.

It is believed that Noah was a bit of a coke fiend. In fact many of his peers called him "Noah the Blowah," in reference to his fondness for inhaling the white powder. Unfortunately, some gay members of the community misunderstood the meaning of Noah's nickname and often showed up at his door in hopes of something other than cocaine.

God told Noah to build the ark in cubits. What the hell is a cubit?

That was God's little joke. There is no such thing as a cubit. He was just messing with Noah because being God gets pretty damn boring after a while. You've already created the universe-not a whole lot left that's gonna excite you, so you screw with folks. After spending months trying to find out how big a cubit was, Noah finally said, "Screw it!" and used the standard goat's penis measurement (roughly 3 ½ inches) for building the massive vessel.

How could Noah afford all the building materials he needed to build the ark?

Noah actually went deeply in debt maxing out credit cards at Home Depot and Lowe's. With creditors on his ass calling him almost daily, the old guy just kept on building the ark with a sly smile on his face. "Come and get me, you bloodthirsty bastards," he'd mutter while occasionally looking up at the dark clouds rolling in.

After days and days of being cooped up on a boat filled with stinky animals, Noah and his family must have been experiencing some major stress. How did they cope?

At times, the stress was almost unbearable. Thankfully Noah's son, quite the electronics geek, rigged together what is believed to have been a rather primitive precursor to the modern Karaoke machine and the entire family spent hours singing, drinking, and dancing. It is likely that, minus this wonderful bit of electronic wizardry to lighten the tension, the adventure would have ended with Noah murdering his entire family before committing suicide.

Noah lived to the age of 950. At such an advanced age, how did he and the little woman manage to make ends meet? I mean he couldn't have had a job at that age, could he?

Having retired at age 65, Noah collected Social Security for an astounding 885 years! Many experts believe that the nearly bankrupt state of our current Social Security system is due in large part to the billions of dollars collected over the years by Noah, who credited a daily glass of wine, sheep embryo injections, and wife-swapping orgies for his longevity.

Did Noah really have two of every animal on the ark?

Well no, not exactly. Collecting one male and one female of every species is a rather formidable undertaking and Noah ended up having to cut corners which led to some rather odd mating. This, of course, explains the existence of such unusual creatures as the duck-billed platypus and Amy Winehouse.

I could go on for hours talking about this crap, but a couple of young ladies from the church will be here soon to discuss the inspiring story of some dumbass who was swallowed by a whale.

Time to get out the old sacrificial wine.