Not Another Groundhog Day Parody

5:30 AM is when my alarm clock tells me it's time to get my ass out of bed, this Tuesday morning I was awoken with the annoying melodies of the Eagles' "Hotel California"; I hate the Eagles so much. I have one hour from now to get ready to go to work so I hop in the shower; whereas I find out my dad has used up all of the hot water. I jump out style up my hair and put my contacts in; but little did I know that my right contact had a rip in it and it ended up causing me grief and pain. "Now I have to walk around all day with one contact in", I thought to myself.

6:00 AM is when I run upstairs eat some cereal and watch the only thing good on TV at that time; Cartoon Network's "Acme Hour". The only cereal left was Grape Nuts and when I poured myself a bowl of that granular cardboard I realized there was only a teaspoon of milk left. The rest will have to be grape juice I suppose, which was the only other liquid in the house besides toilet bowl water or my piss; and trust I wasn't going to stoop that low. Sit down on the couch at find out that the "Acme Hour" is playing three straight in a row Tom and Jerry cartoons. Now don't get me wrong but I love Tom and Jerry, they were great under Hanna Barbera, then sometimes viewable under Chuck Jones control, but the three they showed were the worst ones. I guess when MGM had hit shit bottom with it's cartoons they made Tom and Jerry all UPA looking and had them directed by some terrible Hungarian guy.

7:00 AM is when I arrive to my job, Michael's after a traffic filled half an hour commute from my house. Typical shit goes on there of me running around the store helping out customers but the one thing in particular I hate there so much is my boss. Now I personally have no problems with Jewish people, but it just so happens that my boss Art who is Jewish is the world's biggest annoying asshole and dork. It's what he tells me repeatedly and prying over my shoulder to see what I'm doing next is what I can't stand about him. He makes my life a living hell for four hours barking up my ass like a pest. One of these days I'll tell him what for.

11:35 AM is when I go catch my train from the Poughkeepsie train station to Grand Central Terminal. Normally I'll eat my sandwich and fall asleep but today happened to be the ride from hell. First thing, there was no good cold cuts left in the house so I was forced to eat a mayonnaise, cheese and lettuce sandwich; mom really needs to go shopping. Second, the train breaks down for twenty minutes and finally third, I'm jam packed into a three seater with four people just because they are a family and want to be together for the whole two-hour ride. "Why do I always let people make me feel uncomfortable", I think to myself.

1:20 PM is when I arrive into Grand Central, I quickly dash out of the train so that I can work an extra fifteen minutes earlier on my cartoon in class. I catch my six train where standing in front of me is the most beautiful and voluptuous women I see every Tuesday afternoon. This time she looks up at smiles, and me I smile back and try talking to her. Words only come out of my mouth in a cackle form since I just had to have a piece of flem lodged in my throat. Before it's cleared she gets out on 28^th street and my chance is blown. One of these days I'll get her phone number or measurements I think to myself.

1:45 PM is when I arrive in the animation studio, then Loa and behold to my eyes the Fourth Reich has beaten me to the VCR for the fourth week in the row. There leader points her finger towards my face, "too bad James, looks like this week we'll be playing our stuff". I look over to their bags and I see Snow White and the Seven Dwarves, Toy Story, Bambi and any other imaginable annoying Disney tale you could think of. But I have Spider-Man and the Fantastic Four I think to myself; why don't I just tell them I've had enough of their tyranny. I ended up watching five hours of their crap and took the quickest train home.

9:00 PM is when I arrive back home, I come home to an empty fridge and an empty stomach; damn you mom go out and buy some groceries. I figure I'd go out and hang out with my friends for the remaining of the night. They always cheer me up with their drug and alcoholic antics. After all the worst of days can be cured by doing a lot of drugs at night. I later came home from hanging out with them at around 2:00 AM. For some reason in my drunken rage I took a handful of my drawing pencils laid out on my desk and broke them in half, after that I passed out.

5:30 AM is when my alarm clock tells me it's time to get my ass out of bed, this Tuesday morning I was awoken with the annoying melodies of the Eagles' "Hotel California"; I hate the Eagles so much. Hey wait a minute, I think to myself, today's Wednesday; I'm supposed to wake up at 9 today. Maybe I got just a bit too fucked up last night and didn't set my alarm clock correctly. Oh well I thought, since I'm already awake I'd might as well watch some TV to put me back to bed. I turned on the TV to the TV Guide Channel, it had listed up in the right hand corner as TUESDAY, February 13, 2001; 23 degrees partly cloudy till noon. What the hell did I do last night, that must have been some powerful weed and beer was all I could muster. Even the radio said it was Tuesday morning also; did I completely dream yesterday or what happened. I got out of bed and flipped my light switch, on my desk I saw the pencils I broke last night but now they were whole again. I picked up my watches and they two also said the same time it was Tuesday once again. Gee, perhaps I just hallucinated all of it, I think I'll lay off the drugs tonight then.

5:30 AM is when my alarm clock tells me it's time to get my ass out of bed, this Tuesday morning I was awoken with the annoying melodies of the Eagles' "Hotel California"; I hate the Eagles so much. Ok, wait a minute now, there really needs to be a logical explanation to all of this. Am I loosing my mind, what the hell is going on; is all I can say to myself. The day runs exactly the same way it did the past two times, people move and say the same things to me. Is it déjà vu or is it reality? Before I went to bed I set my alarm clock to 9 AM got naked and fell asleep.

5:30 AM is when my alarm clock tells me it's time to get my ass out of bed, this Tuesday morning I was awoken with the annoying melodies of the Eagles' "Hotel California"; I hate the Eagles so much. I got out of bed and noticed I had my clothes on that I originally wore to bed Monday night, I finally realized that by some whimsical fate I was doomed to repeat Tuesday over and over again. Just like that terrible Bill Murray movie, oh what's the name of it....um oh yeah Ghostbusters 2. It had also dawned upon my mind that I now dealt with no consequences and could do whatever I wanted, I would have a clean slate tomorrow Tuesday morning and be ready to start all over again. Oh what a joyous day this'll be.

8:00 AM is when I arrived to work an hour late. That annoying asshole came up to my face and started to chew my ear off. I just looked at him and smiled; then I punched him in the face. Punched him in the face many times, numerous times. Numerous times until he lay in a puddle of his own urine and blood weeping to me for forgiveness. "Nobody in this store likes you at all and they all wish they could do what I just did", I said. "Now stay out of my way and let me do my job without you bugging me constantly or I'll give you another licking you'll never forget".

"Yes sir master James, anything you say massa", Art cried out picking up his teeth and scurrying away to his office with numerous bruises. The rest of work was fun as hell, all the employees for beating up the boss praised me and they even bought me a cake in the honor. Afterwards before I left for the train station, I slashed all of Art's tires and pissed inside his car. Oh what a joyous day this'll be.

On the train I saw the same loving family that has been sitting with me for the past three days now. They squeezed into my seat and made me quite uncomfortable and disturbed my nap. So I made them uncomfortable and let out one of the God's nastiest farts that ever seeped from my rectum. I heard them gag and wheeze, the mother and baby began to cry and the father began to hurl from the stench. That ought to teach them I thought to myself, oh what a joyous day this'll be.

After the trains ride I arrived in Grand Central and hopped on my six train. There's that beautiful blonde bombshell again. She smiled at me and in response I smiled back and told her my name is James and that I couldn't stand being without her anymore. I grabbed her close to me and viciousily and rudely ripped and groped all over her body. I covered her body with my mouth but it was when I reached her crotch she kicked me in the groin and got off on 28^th street. I watched her leave and said "I'll see you tomorrow", oh what a joyous day this'll be.

Got to the animation studio and saw that the VCR had already been hijacked as usual. The Fourth Reich's leader once again gave me her speech and all I could say in response was fuck you bitch. I proceeded up to the bunch and told them today was the dawning of James. I took all of their Disney nostalgia and threw it out the fifth story window. I warned them that if anyone dared to take off my 80's cartoons I would each give them a kick in the eye. But my threats to them fell on death ears and each one was dealt a swift blow. Even the Brooklyn Boy told me to give them the patented Guinea Gut Buster, which laid out the entire Fourth Reich on the floor. The teacher Roger looked over to me and said James you're crazy, and I said no Roger I'm just serving out justice.

Finally I took my train home and was ready to relax and restart this day of fun all over again. Ideas were running through my head of what kinda sadistic shit could I do to people tomorrow that I've always wanted to do and get away with it. A huge smile ran across my face as the train reached it's destination and I jumped off.

"Excuse sir, but is your name James Salvatore Gorcesky by any chance?", perused a man in a MTA suit.

"Um, yes it is, is there something wrong," I replied.

"Yeah sicko, I'm Agent Skywalker of the FBI, and I'm taking your ass in", the man claimed as he ripped off his under cover disguise and pulled out his badge. He then slapped the cuffs on me and read me my rights. Then I was thrown into a local FBI jail. "Sicko", he claimed, "I'm going to make sure they lock your ass up for a while". "Why, in one day you've wreaked more havoc then a serial killer". "I've gotten reports from you about 1^st degree attempted murder and vandalizing one Art Roth, emitting gaseous fumes on local transportation, sexual harassment and sodomy on a subway, harassment on a group of individuals in your class, and worst and foremost the destruction of Disney property". "You're ass is going away for a long time sicko", was all the cop claimed to me but I didn't care this would be all over tomorrow.

Agent Skywalker threw me in a cell until my hearing. "This guy ought to keep you company for a while, Tyrone, make sure our guest has a comfortable stay tonight with his new cell buddy". A big black man then stood up in front of me with a big smile on his face but mine was even bigger cause I knew I'd wake up back in my bed tomorrow morning at 5:30 AM. I took the bottom bunk and fell asleep for the night with peaceful images of my pain towards others tomorrow. As usual the alarm clock went off at 5:30 AM, I heard an Eagle's song and was pissed. The song was then cut off by the DJ claiming how much of a beautiful Wednesday morning it was and he then started to recap the news. In particular the imprisonment of one sicko by the name of James Gorcesky. My eyes shot up quickly, I was still in the bottom bunk of the cell and I felt a draft coming in. My pants were around my ankles and it felt like someone smeared K-Y jelly all over my ass. Oh-oh was all I could think to myself.