NOT Just for Boys: Perspectives from a Woman with ADHD

A good writer hooks the reader within the first sentence or two of an article. When the audience is "people who potentially have ADHD but do not realize it", the author's job is a little tricky. How does one get that audience to pay attention, when they are the ones least likely to remain interested? When all else fails, throw out some cliche like, "Do it for the children."

This article is the one I wish my parents could have read when I was younger. So, even though it may be hard to keep focused, remember that your child may wish, one day, that you had access to this information.

With the exception of those who have recently emerged from under a rock, we've all heard about Attention Deficit Hyperactivity Disorder (ADHD). More than likely, our thoughts immediately go to an out-of-control, eight year-old little boy running amuck in a grocery store, knocking over canned-food displays and elderly women.

How often do you think of a well-behaved little girl, sitting quietly at her desk, using perfect penmanship as she completes another reading comprehension test, on which she will score 100%? None of us would likely associate that little girl with ADHD. Sadly, that mistake is too often made.

This article is by no means an exhaustive description of ADHD, its symptoms, or treatment options. There are great resources on the web that dig deeper into those details, as well as information of the progress being made in current studies, support group information, laws regarding ADHD, and countless other tidbits about the condition.

My purpose is to share a little bit of my story in order to show how ADHD can be manifested in the life of a young girl and/or a grown woman. Incidentally, this information can also apply to boys who display no signs of hyperactivity, in other words, "well-behaved" boys.

I begin with the premise that ADHD is probably the most over-diagnosed "condition" in America. When you strip away all the hyperactivity issues, the bad grades, the aggressiveness, and the social problems an "ADHD Kid" has, oftentimes, what lies underneath it all is parents who have never learned how to parent. It's much easier to have a medical excuse as to why Tommy likes to throw bricks through windows versus admitting that Tommy has no respect for authority because his parents have never taken the time to develop that within him.

While I think ADHD is over-diagnosed, I think within the female population, it is under-diagnosed. I have come to see that over the course of my life, starting as a child, I developed a very unhealthy way of thinking, which led to many negative issues that may have been avoided had my parents known about ADHD and how it exhibits in girls. I am focusing here on the years of my life through 12th grade. The symptoms were much more evident once college started, and it is my purpose to focus on the more subtle signs.

The following is a "list" of clues, in no particular order of importance. Every clue will not apply to every child. If several, however, apply in a significant way to you or your child, it would be on the safe side to seek medical advice. One last disclaimer is that the child I am describing (me) comes from a normal, middle-class family. My parents were extremely loving, they gave us everything we needed, they kept us safe, and they supported us and encouraged us in all our activities. They taught us to behave, be respectful, and to do our best at school and in life. There were no circumstances present in my life that "justified" some of the inner emotions and thoughts I held.

1) Is your family's life, in terms of time, strictly regimented? I said earlier that these clues are not in any particular order of importance, but this one is a "backdrop" clue that is very important. If your schedule is predictable, with not much room for variation, that environment accomplishes two things. First, it is actually the best environment for someone with ADHD to live in, but second, since the environment helps someone with ADHD to thrive, it can actually mask symptoms in someone who has ADHD but has not yet been diagnosed.

This is the environment in which I was raised, and it definitely contributed greatly to my success in academics, sports, and socialization. However, it was not until that environment was taken away from me that I began to have more visible problems. So, in evaluating yourself or your child, if you do have a strict schedule in your family life, please don't abandon that, but consider these other suggestions more deeply.

2) Does your child have trouble embracing compliments and/or does she, in fact, try to hide accomplishments? In Kindergarten I could read well above my grade-level (proof that early reading does not indicate intelligence in later life!) When my teachers realized this, they let me skip nap time in order to read to them. Once, two teachers walked by and commented on how "bright" I must be.

I was reading a 5th grade book at the time, and one of the pedestrian teachers wanted to see if I could read 6th and 7th grade books. They retrieved a 6th grade book from one of the 11th graders walking by (just kidding) and sat it in front of me. I opened it and realized I knew every word. BUT, I told them I wasn't able to read it.

So, what does this mean? I'm not totally sure, but if you'll take a walk with me down Crazy Street for a minute, I'll try to explain.

As a five year-old reading to my teacher, my thought process was something like this: "Why do they think this is such a big deal? Lots of people can read. I know I can read this sixth grade book, but I don't know if they can "handle" that, and I don't feel comfortable with everyone saying I'm so smart. If they know I can read well, they will think I'm reasonably smart, but since I'm just a kid, they won't take me seriously, and they'll just think it's 'cute'. Therefore, I'll put a limit to what they know that I know."

One can argue that socialization is a key factor in girls being more deferring. That's likely true. However, ask yourself if your daughter's trouble with compliments or admitting accomplishment borders on psychotic. I'm being a little facetious here, but it's only been a few years since I realized how destructive a thought-pattern like this can be. There are girls who are walking, talking divas, bragging about everything in sight, over-estimating their value to humanity at every turn. Your daughter doesn't have to exhibit that type of confidence, just a normal "thank you" when compliments are issued.

Where the problem shows itself best in this area is with the issue of accomplishment. Does she try to explain away success? Many people like to blame others for their failures. ADHD girls (and some boys) blame others for their success. I linked these behaviors to ADHD only after one of my sons exhibited this; he is the only child of mine with ADHD. My son failed to be diagnosed with ADHD for several years due to his good behavior. His teachers assumed he was paying attention because he wasn't engaging in gang violence with all the other second graders.

As I mentioned early on, my parents were nothing but supportive, loving, and encouraging to me. I was Daddy's little girl, and I knew it. I had no legitimate reason to be uncomfortable with success. I wanted A's, and I got them. I loved sports, and I excelled in whatever I played. I wanted to be pretty, and other people said I was pretty.

The reason for my good grades, I thought, was not that I was smart; the teachers made the work easy. My answer in sports was that I should have done much better and perhaps the competition wasn't feeling well that day or the whole thing was a fluke. To top it all off, I've never felt attractive, and I thought others just said those things to make me feel better or because it was the nice thing to do.

Ironically, even though I've worked through some of those issues, my hidden identity is the only thing allowing me to relay that information about myself. To me, it sounds self-serving and conceited. In fact, a pen name wouldn't free me to say it, but I have a strong desire to help other girls out there who have a chance to avoid the trouble arising from bad thought-patterns.

3) Does your child seem uncomfortable with small talk, like to spend time alone, or make good grades despite never studying? These clues are related to each other and to clue #2. It is said that people with ADHD don't think or communicate in a linear manner. Although I know from personal experience that a characterization such as that is not unwarranted, I maintain that it's not the whole truth.

Before someone with ADHD can move from one thought to the next (linear thinking), we have to dive under the line to "get the whole story" about the first thought. Otherwise, the next thought will not be in a proper context, and we have a need to be able to file it in the appropriate places. Those without ADHD may not understand this, but some of you with ADHD know exactly what I'm saying. Simply put, an ADHD person does think in the linear, it just takes longer to move down the line, at times.

This is why small talk can be so tough for an ADHD person to tolerate. To me, small talk is just an old pair of sneakers stuffed into an already over-filled closet; sure, there are some items in that closet that are useful, but why put any extra junk in there? Interestingly, the hatred of small talk might exhibit itself in a child not wanting to play age-appropriate activities. I hated Barbies, playing house, and stuffed animals -- they weren't real. Why would I spend time with the unreal when there is so much "real" around me?

[Consequently, your child may have a hard time with reading comprehension. My son could not answer questions like, "What would you do if you were the man in the yellow hat and Curious George trashed your house?" He would just get confused and say, "But I'm not the man in the yellow hat." To him, the mere question is an impossibility.]

Spending time alone allows the ADHD person (children and adults alike!) to escape incidences of small talk and to think about the thoughts flowing around in her brain. Solitude provides the freedom to contemplate -- undisturbed. There is a sense in which I have to examine my thoughts in my vertical-then-linear way, rearrange them, take out the tangentials, and, finally, figure out a way to communicate them linearly to others.

The ADHD person is usually quite intelligent, and the ability to hyper-focus, when the urge hits, enables him to quickly become a pseudo-expert on those subjects in which he is interested. When there is an area of hyper-focus, it can be detrimental to other academic areas, if not kept in check. However, if balanced correctly, the ADHD child will more than likely be able to make high grades with very little studying, even in subjects in which he is not particularly interested.

4) Does your child like puzzles, building or taking things apart, video games, or comedy? These are all related to a very important concept. The following concept is one of the key things in the life of an ADHD person that will make 'em or break 'em: feedback. It can also be called positive reinforcement or instant gratification. I like to call it instant feedback.

There is a chemical imbalance in the brain of an ADHD person, which is the basis for the disorder. Serotonin and dopamine levels are far lower in the brain of someone with ADHD than those in the normal population. (This is one reason why depression is sometimes mistaken for ADHD.) The sense of satisfaction an ADHD person receives from finding and placing a piece of a puzzle mimics the job serotonin does in the brain. Something that small can give an instant sense of satisfaction, making the ADHD person want to continue.

Building things or taking things apart does the same thing; the progress is instant and visible. Video games -- self-explanatory. As to comedy, I'm referring more to the performance of it than watching it. There is instant feedback when others laugh, but I also think it satisfies a psychological need to make others feel at ease, the way we want to feel around others. As an extra bonus prize, if people are busy laughing, they can't engage you in small talk.

The need for instant feedback can be an extremely beneficial tool when it is harnessed correctly. As an adult, I've learned strategies that employ instant feedback that help me function at my highest level. However, it can also be dangerous when it comes from things that are harmful.

5) Does your child like roller coasters, intense competition, alcohol, or drugs? I've found that certain super-stimulating things are beneficial to an ADHD person. When we hear of an ADHD person who likes extreme sports, we tend to think they're displaying the hyperactive, restless side of the disorder. I have a theory (and I'm probably not the first one to think of it -- I've just never read it anywhere else) that the hyperactive aspect of ADHD is totally in the brain. The hyperactive behavior comes out because the outward act of activity helps to temporarily rid that closet of those unnecessary sneakers.

Intense or extreme sports not only give the instant feedback I spoke of before, but they also act as sort of a "sponge", soaking up extra thoughts in the brain so that it is easier to target and remain on a particular thought.

I have found this to be true my entire life. When I am the most exhausted, physically and mentally, more than likely, my brain will be working its best in terms of focus and creativity. From 6th grade to 12th grade I played sports year-round. I could not stand to lose, and in each game and practice, I would play my heart out or run myself ragged. On those nights, homework went quickly, and, just for fun, I sometimes translated entire books into Vietnamese and then back into Latin.

Alcohol and drugs have their place in this line of thinking, as well. Alcohol is a depressant and serves to "push down" all thoughts, giving the ADHD person more efficiency in her selection of thoughts. I promise I'm not just defending my love of zinfandel (PLEASE do not think I mean white zinfandel -- if you want to know what I think about that beverage, read my article "Think Before You Pink"), but a glass of wine truly makes me think more clearly. As a result, I think only fuzzy thoughts before 6 or 7 pm.

In one study of inmates incarcerated for cocaine-related charges, almost 75%, when tested for ADHD, proved to have moderate-to-severe cases. Cocaine is a stimulant, obviously, and several ADHD medications are derivatives of amphetamines. It never occurred to me in college that my self-medicating was a sign that something was wrong. I drank about 20 cups of coffee per day, literally. Further, every day I took two Acti-fed pills (a decongestant with amphetamines) in the morning to wake me, two during the day to help me concentrate, and two at night to help me sleep. I had no idea that Acti-fed had a stimulant in it, because meth-labs weren't all-the-rage then.

Had my stereotype of ADHD not been of an out-of-control little boy, maybe I would have figured it out 15 years earlier than I did. I'm getting a late start in life, in terms of focus, but it's better late than never. If you see any similarities in your own daughter, please have her tested. If you have any questions for me please feel free to contact me.