Not an Ordinary Errand Day for an OCD Sufferer

I have OCD - Obsessive Compulsive Disorder. I have a fear of contamination.

Just like "regular" people who are planning on spending the day out doing errands, my day starts off just like their's.

After I get up, I prepare to go out. All of my preparation to go out goes great because I am in control of everything I do.

I don't do anything to put myself in an OCD fear. While I'm still in my home, if I need to wear latex gloves to feel '˜safe' as I prepare to go out, I do.

I feel safe in my world inside my home as I adjust it to accommodate me and to avoid putting me in an OCD fear.

It can also be called control as I said above. I control my world so that it works for me, which has to include my OCD fears.

Once I'm dressed, I'm looking forward to going out and having a fun day out because my OCD inhibits me from going out very often.

I then leave the house, go into the car and drive to my destination - a shopping center.

I love to shop - after all, shopping can become an obsession - hence I have OCD.

Shopping brings me joy. I love looking for bargains, browsing and buying for those close to me. I like to shop for the simple things I enjoy too.

Let's say the average time I spend in one store is 1 hour and the food store possibly 2 hours.

There I am in the store(s) doing what I enjoy - browsing and shopping.

How can someone else, or something turn my joyous time shopping into a very unpleasant experience?

It happens - more often than not.

I know that what puts me into an OCD fear may seem like nothing to others. People go about their everyday lives doing so easily what is impossible, or difficult for me to do. They don't think twice when what I'm about to tell you that happens to me, happens to them.

1. I'll start with the simple task of choosing a checkout lane.

I see other people go up to the checkout counter quickly and easily. For most it's just a matter of simply picking the one with the shortest line and the one that seems to be moving the fastest.

Not for me. As a matter of fact, those two issues aren't even important to me.

There are two factors that influence the checkout lane I choose to go on. They are:

A. Did the person in front of me buy anything I'm afraid of, such as cigarette lighters, pool chemicals, pesticides, car engine products, bleach -- ?; and
B. Do they have cigarette lighters hanging near where I have to be, or where my items will go?

If the answer is yes to one or both above, I have to pick a different checkout lane.

If there isn't another checkout lane to use, I leave the area allowing others to go behind the person who has bought something I am afraid of. My OCD mind tells me that by the time it's my turn to checkout, the contamination will have passed through other people first. As far as the cigarette lighters go, I keep my eyes on them throughout my transaction and I make sure I keep my distance from them.

2. I am put into an OCD fear when the checkout person drops something I am buying, or drops anything while he/she is doing my transaction. For example, the other day I just went to Walgreens and the food store next to it. It happened at the checkout counters in both stores.

I am petrified of things that fall on the floor and that are on the floor.

Why?

Because people walk on all of the floors and the bottoms of their shoes are filthy from what one can only imagine they stepped on. An OCD mind will imagine the worst and if you have a fear of something, of course it will be included - people step on oil spots, people step on gas drippings -- .

How can that effect what just dropped on the floor?

Transference. An OCD mind thinks transference a lot.

If something I am buying fell on the floor, it then has the contamination on it, which will then go into and onto the bag it's going into, then on my hands when I touch the bag and then when I touch the item -- .

If the checkout person picks up something off the floor during my transaction, that I'm not buying, then the contamination transfers from his hands to everything he touches that's about to be mine and that I will eventually have to touch too.

It sounds exhausting, doesn't it? It is.

What happens when I am put into an OCD fear?

When I'm put into an OCD fear, I immediately feel the physical changes. I feel my face get very red and I may even start to sweat. As I am writing this, I'm thinking that can be considered a panic attack. I also get a very sad look on my face. I often say when that happens, "It looks like I lost my best friend."

It totally ruins my day and my shopping experience. Remember, it's the same shopping experience that when I started out I was looking forward to and originally brought me great joy.

How do I help myself?

1. I use self-talk in these ways:
a. I try to console myself by thinking it wasn't something I did, so it was out of my control. I know I can't control other people.
b. I think about how many times the employees must have walked in the area since they've been at work, so the bottom of their shoes aren't as dirty as I think, hence the item I am taking home is fine - or at least okay.
c. I try to convince myself that dropping the item isn't as bad a situation as I think it is.

2. When self-talk hasn't convinced me that everything is still okay, before I head home I go into a bathroom and wash my hands.

I then go back home to my '˜safe' place, use gloves if I still feel something is contaminated, go to bed and call the day a '˜do over.'

I usually come home very exhausted - physically and mentally. Sleep often eases a lot.

Tomorrow is a new day with a fresh start.

As you can see, doing simple errands can become an unpleasant (to put it simply) experience for an OCD sufferer. Our minds are always thinking and usually working against us.

If you, too, suffer with OCD fears similar to these, try using the solutions I use, to ease your suffering and put your mind at ease.