Not so Helpful Homemaker Tips

As mothers, wives, homemakers and so forth, women are continually inundated with tips and tricks to simplify our lives. Unfortunately, many of these tips are vague, useless and well, silly. Fortunately, we can take a journey to debunk, deny and flat out laugh at many of these mythic tips. An exodus if you will from the happy, helpful hooey shoved down our throats from the 'experts' on making our lives easier.

Tip #1:

Store leftover bacon in the refrigerator to use on salads or casseroles.

Hmm. Sounds like a handy tip doesn't it? But, is it really? Luckily, those of us in the know can see one fatal flaw with this tip. There is no such thing as leftover bacon! Liar liar pants…well you get the message. Anyone with kids knows that leftover bacon is a myth. In fact family feuds have lasted for years over the 'last piece of bacon battle'.

Any battle-hardened mother does not put leftover bacon in the fridge. We take out a healthy portion and hide it. However, that is not considered a leftover, that is our horde. We know if we put all the bacon on the table, we won't get a bite of it. We cooked it! We deserve our share.

Now comes the hard part. Eating the bacon. In peace and not sharing. Let's face it, if you pull your crispy stash of bacon out in front of your kids, you will be bombarded by, "Please can I haves?" or worse yet, the dreaded puppy dog eyes. Do not do this to yourselves ladies! Find a safe spot. My preferred method is the bathroom fake out. I cause a distraction like this, "There is more bacon on the stove, children!" When they stampede, go! Take your bacon into the bathroom and eat to your hearts content. You may have to change gorging places often, as children adapt easily and are naturally suspicious! And, the last thing you want is to be harassed when you really need the bathroom.

Tip #2:

Use leftover vegetables in your juicer/blender to make healthy and tasty drinks for your family. Makes a great snack!

Mmm yummy. I often hear, "Mommy may I have a delicious broccoli shake?" Never mind that that I had to force-feed them the same broccoli the day before in solid form. That was with a gooey cheese sauce to disguise the fact that they were eating something even remotely healthy. On to the next tip!

Tip #3

Buy furniture that you can use in several different rooms. Moving furniture from room to room will save you money.

No, I'm not kidding. That is an actual money saving tip from someone trying to be helpful. What's that up in the sky? It's a couch! No, it's a bed! No, it's our dining room table! Seriously, I want to save money as much as the next person, but be reasonable. Who is going to rearrange their furniture from room to room to avoid buying that extra chair? And if you think the bacon fights are bad, can you imagine the battle for the only chair in the house?

Tip #4

Head to your local feed store to buy grains for cereal.

Yes, they mean animal feed. It has to be healthy right? I mean, it's for feeding the animals that eventually become food for us. I just don't know how healthy it would be for us. Maybe people pour the grains into old cereal boxes to fool the kids. Maybe they even toss in a toy, like a mini feedbag or something. I don't think I could fool my kids with this no matter how attractive I make the package.

Tip #5

Sew your own feminine protection products.

Yes, you read that right! They mean pads. I'm sure it's great for the environment. Many of us have used cloth diapers, right? You use them, rinse them and then toss them into the wash. Nevertheless, I would be that woman walking down the street one day who gets stopped by some random stranger so they can say," Hey, static cling got you! You seem to have a sock stuck to the back of your blouse…wait a minute that's not a sock!" Yeah, that would be me. Call me paranoid, it could happen.

Thanks for taking a humorous trip down the not-so-helpful tip trail with me. I'm sure they work for some, but not for me. So, choose your tips wisely and laugh a little!