Now, Pain

Not sure where my life will go now that I know I will live.

I still feel like death is around the corner waiting to steal me

from the wonder and amazement I've found with my new love.

I don't understand it, I have a good life now why can't I feel good too?

Probably because people always feel a need to bring me down, I think.

That must be what it is because I don't remember doing anything to anyone

to be torn down spiritually the way they have. I'm not particularly pretty or

extra-ordinary in any way why do I call in all this negative attention. All

I want to do is live and let live, and no one can allow me to do that. I want

to write and let my heart pour out all of this sour bitterness that's become

my soul. I hate myself, I feel ugly, nasty, and not worthy of anything but eight feet

under. I've never felt so alone and horrible. Even when I was being beat within an

inch of my life, when I had a rifle pointed at my chest, when his hands were closed

around my neck so many times trying to choke my spirit out of me, I have never felt

this bad. At least then I was just numb, now I'm completely and utterly depressed.

Why me, what did I do that was so horrible. I think life hates me and that's why I'm

always called out on the table to either be beaten physically or mentally. I thought

karma existed and everyone would get what's coming to them but now I am not so

sure. From the age of fifteen to nineteen I was beaten like a man, now I am free and

don't even know how to live without being told what, how and when to do everything.

They stole me, they stole my soul my free spirit my childhood. I hate them so much

why can't they have the things that are happening to me happen to them, but no

they just fall into huge sums of money, as I'm left trying to pay off their debts. Sad.

Life is sad.