Now We See but a Poor Reflection.

Now we see but a poor reflection as in a mirror; then we shall see face to face. Now I know in part; then I shall know fully, even as I am fully known ---1 Corinthians 13:12 (New International Version)

Today I must have had this verse in the back of my mind for the majority of the day. We are at the halfway point in waiting for Owen and Hannah's genetic testing results and I find myself wavering in the ways of the world. I am terrified for them if they do have Cowden Syndrome as I do and if they present with symptoms at as young of an age as I did. I have said in previous writings, I want the best for them so much. I never believed my own mom when she said she would take my place through all the pain but I do now.

My husband and I held a discussion about the past today. It is never good to dwell on the past but inevitably it comes up every once in a while. We were told on my last visit to the doctor that the dysgerminoma I had as a child was likely unrelated to the Cowden Syndrome. The doctor simply stated it was "two separate cases of very bad luck." My husband then made the remark, "you were just always ######." He used an expletive I do not feel comfortable repeating but it rhymed with lucked.

For the first time since noticing a papillioma on my son's hand this morning, I felt calm and said something I would have never thought to say earlier in the day. I told him I was never without luck. I had him, Owen, and Hannah. If I did not have them then I could not be sure where my faith in God would be and I would agree with him about all the bad luck.

I remembered this verse, by far one of my favorite biblical verses, and the feeling sorry for myself and fear faded. The trust in God knowing what he is doing came back. I reread the article I wrote about our genetic testing concerns a while back and felt better. Maybe those of you who offered to pray for me helped me today because I'm back to a place where it all makes sense. We do not see reasons for certain situations while we live our lives---only poor reflections. The reason will come one day but not until both God and I am ready. It will all work out.

*Note-I was unable to read articles that came through my hotmail account today due to this period of feeling sorry for myself. I do apologize and I will catch them up tomorrow. I promise. I plan to read the entire day. I am so grateful to my AC friends.*