Nursery Book Characters in the News

Our top story tonight - The animal rights activists group PETA is charging Mary with animal abuse against her little lamb. Quoting PETA spokesperson Mother Goose, "Forcing this poor innocent little lamb to walk five miles just to sit inside a white male patriarchal heterosexist school environment is a deplorable example of speciesism. The little lamb should be free to do as it pleases." Mary's lawyers maintain that the little lamb is a major pest and insists on following Mary wherever she goes. The little lamb has been placed in Old McDonald's Farm until the court decides the outcome of this case.

In a related story, the ASPCA has been called in to investigate Little Bo-Peep's claim that she 'lost' her sheep. Authorities strongly suspect lamb abuse after finding several opened jars of mint jelly in Little Bo-Peep's possession.

Humpty Dumpty has been removed as spokesperson for the National Egg Board, after it was discovered that he faked his fall in an effort to bolster his sagging TV ratings. When asked by reporters about his removal, Humpty said he was too cracked up to comment.

In a last ditch effort to salvage his relationship with Jill, Jack has checked himself into The Little Red Schoolhouse Drug and Alcohol Rehab Center. No word yet on his progress, although anonymous sources say he's still falling down a lot.

Little Miss Muffet is in hot water again. After being sued by the Curds and Whey Council for ruining the image of their product, she is under attack by the Spider Anti-defamation League for making disparaging comments about spiders. While Miss Muffet claims she screamed because the spider genuinely frightened her, the spiders are calling her actions degrading to the image of spiders in America. Speaking on behalf of the group, Charlotte commented, "Wilbur has always accepted me just as I am. I see no reason why Little Miss Muffet cannot learn to coexist with other species. We all know she hates spiders. Frankly, she's just trying to spin a web of deception around this important issue."

And finally in the news, Georgie Porgie has been slapped with a sexual harassment suit for kissing the girls and making them cry. His attorney Little Jack Horner was too busy eating Christmas pie to comment.