N.Y.R. 2K9: Remix

Instead of doing the obligatory new years resolutions everybody knows they won't keep(or remember three months into the year), I have decided to make a list of activities I can't partake in but wish I could for 2009. Enjoy.

1.) Feeding a Koala a Whopper. They are such picky eaters. I want to find out if they would prefer flame broiled meat over eucalyptus leaves in a side by side taste test. I relish the opportunity to use the phrase Whopper Virgin excessively.

2.) Testing the intelligence of a Caveman. Can they do my taxes? Do they know how to set the clock on a VCR? Will they be able to believe it's not butter? Do you think "Chicken of the Sea" will get them all flustered?

3.) Knocking out Kimbo Slice. At this point, it's not much of a thrilling accomplishment. The first time Kimbo lost, he fell so hard an entire company(ProElite/EliteXC) crumbled. What's the flipping point of crushing that grizzly looking, rat tail growing sideshow act now?

4.) Finding out how many licks it takes to get to the center of a Tootsie Pop. Last time I tried, I got bored and attempted to bite down on it. Not sure how, but I somehow whiffed and bit down on my tongue instead. Tootsie Pops are stupid and are probably the worst "____ on a stick" product money can buy.

5.) Throw a shoe at a famous person and starting some kind of YouTube pad involving a scene from one of the Austin Powers flicks. Too late...

6.) Fighting the guy who beat up Kimbo Slice. His hair was pink. I'm not a trained fighter, but I'm sure I could handle that guy if he wasn't in the Witness Protection Program right now.

7.) Command an army of Ferrets. Claus was pretty stingy this year. I hope he enjoyed the laxative cookies I left for him.