O'Reilly Demands More Vibrators, Phonesex for Culture War

On his Fox News Channel political talk show "The O'Reilly Factor," right wing commentator Bill O'Reilly demanded more vibrators and an increased emphasis on phone sex to aid the Culture War.

O'Reilly has become world-renowned due to his recent discovery of the American Culture War. In this war, the commentator believes that there is a conflict in the United States between traditionalists (whom O'Reilly represents) and secular progressives (represented by Satan). O'Reilly has recently published a book entitled "Culture Warrior" which covers the same topic and features the talk show host in a boxer's robe.

During the "Talking Points Memo" of the December 15^th show, O'Reilly made a statement reflecting a staunch belief in the necessity of more items that allow for detached, unprofessional sexual advances to continue within the confines of media stardom. After his opening statement, the pundit then disappeared from view, apparently rummaging below his desk before reappearing with a bright pink vibrator and yellow telephone receiver in his hands. O'Reilly then slammed the items upon his desk to punctuate his call for traditionalist support for his position.

"Secular Progressives are trying to take away your right to make horny phone calls to interns, secretaries, and female managers!" he shouted before flinging the telephone and vibrator offscreen. Beads of sweat broke out on the commentator's forehead.

This is the first allusion O'Reilly has made to the sexual harassment lawsuit brought by former "O'Reilly Factor" manager Andrea Mackris in 2004.