Obama to Enter Race for World Emperor

The White House announced today that President Obama will be resigning from office effective January 1, 2010 to focus on his campaign for the newly created post of World Emperor. Mr. Obama had originally intended to remain in office pending the worldwide election results, but was advised that he would likely lose any Supreme Court ruling on the issue.

"Just as I felt I could best serve the people of Illinois by leaving the state five years ago, I believe I will best serve the people of the United States by moving on to the new global capital being created in Barcelona," Obama said in a statement. "Besides, it's obvious that I have already achieved all of my goals as President of the United States, and I have proven repeatedly that I know how to campaign."

The position of World Emperor is the brainchild of several world leaders either unhappy with the limitations of their current positions or an inability to regain power in their home countries for any number of reasons. Russian Prime Minister Vladimir Putin originally floated the idea to former U.S. President Bill Clinton and former British Prime Minister Tony Blair at a Bruce Springsteen concert in London earlier this year. Voting for World Emperor will begin on December 1, 2010.

"I believe I have the best chance for victory," Putin said in a press release. "I will then achieve what Lenin always imagined."

When asked later about the ominous reference to the old Soviet Union, Putin became enraged.

"I was talking about John Lennon," he thundered. "You capitalist fools can't spell." In a not-so-surprising twist, every journalist present died in freak car accidents later that same day.

The following is a list of who's running and what their chance of success looks like at this point:

Barack Obama. He is admired by many around the world, even though his list of accomplishments at the local, state and national levels of government will fit on the back of a business card. His chances of pulling 100% of the U.S. vote were hurt by the fact that he has to resign the presidency first. His campaign had counted on a huge turnout by Republicans voting for him just to get him out of Washington. His appeal to third world leftists will only be hurt slightly by the entry of Hugo Chavez.

Vladimir Putin. Putin must be considered the front-runner, especially since the Chinese have inexplicably thrown their support behind him (there are rumors he has promised to give them Taiwan, Japan, and California). He is also willing to use both economic and military persuasion to garner votes, pouring money into Bangladesh and Indonesia and realigning Russian nuclear missiles to target Mumbai, Islamabad, Tokyo and other high population centers. "If you think I won't nuke Vienna if I lose the vote there, then you're nuttier than I am."

Bono. The entry of the activist and U2 lead singer surprised many, but as Bono told the Kurdistani Herald: "I've been running the damn planet for years anyway. This would just make it official."

George W. Bush. Perhaps the most surprising entry in the race. "I'm not really all that busy right now anyway," the former U.S. President told a Dallas radio interviewer. "And if I win, it'll look good on my application for Commissioner of Major League Baseball when Bud Selig retires. We're working now to get Jeb elected president of India, just in case the voting's close."

Hugo Chavez. Chavez has no real chance, but he is tired of being overshadowed by his hero Fidel Castro. "Venezuela is not big enough for one such as I," Chavez is quoted as saying. "In fact, I'm running just to get the hell out of the hemisphere. I'm second banana to an 80-year-old Cuban who keeps calling me to ask if I think JFK is trying to poison his Metamucil."

Mahmoud Ahmadinejad. The lone Muslim candidate would seem to have little chance of victory, but he remains upbeat. "Just because my own people hate me doesn't mean the rest of the world does," he said. "Plus, I've got a winning smile."

x - J.K. Rowling. The British author of the Harry Potter books withdrew from the race this week when her appeal that the voting age be lowered to 8 years old was denied by the United Nations. She could be heard muttering "damn Muggles" repeatedly as she left the U.N. offices in New York.