Objects of My Scorn: The Dixie Chicks, New Jersey and More

Michael J. Fox. Last week, I pointed out just how "tasteless" it is for a sick man to campaign for the research that can cure the disease that ails him. But now it turns out that Michael J. Fox has been faking it! Well-respected medical practitioner and conservative talk show host, Rush Limbaugh, assured his fairminded viewers that Michael J. Fox isn't really that sick - he's only acting. Conversely, Rush said, Michael J. Fox must have gone off his pills while making political ads for candidates who support embryonic stem cell research. And we know it must be true, because if anybody's an expert on pills, it's Rush.

Drugs. And speaking of pills, what happened to our other War on a Noun? You might have thought that the War on Drugs is being ignored in favor of the War on Terror, but the truth is that it's all the same war. That's right, marijuana is collaborating with the Taliban. It seems that 10 foot marijuana plants are hiding the enemy. And we can't seem to burn them down. When we tried, "A section of soldiers that was downwind from that had some ill effects." I guess the munchies wreak havoc on war efforts every time.

Ingratitude. Americans have indebted themselves for at least a generation so we could put boots on the sand in Iraq. And what do we get for our trouble? Iraqi Prime Minister Al-Maliki now says he's "not America's man in Iraq." We gave Iraq the chance to be our first conquest in the New American Empire and this is how he repays us? Just who do you think you are, Prime Minister? You didn't actually buy that we came to liberate Iraq, did you? We could have picked a hundred other countries with oppressive tin-pot dictators, some of whom actually had weapons of mass destruction. But instead, we picked you. It's about the oil, my friend, so listen up. You're either with us or against us.

Scott Hennen. Everyone knows that the Bush Administration needed "clarification" about the Geneva Conventions as they apply to torture, because we don't torture people. And if we do torture people, we can't talk about the details of how we're torturing them, because that would be a national security risk. So what kind of traitor is conservative interviewer Scott Hennen? In an interview he tricked Vice President Cheney into talking about the details by saying that dunking terrorism suspects in water during questioning was a "no-brainer." Now, the Vice President says he was just talking about water dunking. And I believe him. I'm sure that couldn't possibly have been code for water boarding, a mock execution technique, because that is illegal. After all, in 1947, the United States prosecuted a Japanese soldier for war crimes and sentenced him to 15 years hard labor for using the technique on a U.S. prisoner. So, that's a no-brainer.

New Jersey. You just have to sniff New Jersey to know something is wrong with that state. First they gave us our first gay governor, Jim McGreevy. Now those homo-loving activist judges in New Jersey say that gay people should have equal rights. They ruled marriage may not be necessary to achieve that equality, but civil unions must offer the same legal rights as marriage. Talk about radical! Pat Buchanan must be right when he says we're living under a judicial tyranny. The fact that Americans overwhelmingly reject the idea that we have activist judges and want to preserve judicial independence shows just how oppressed we really are.

The Dixie Chicks. The Dixie Chicks first got into trouble by saying, at a concert, that they were ashamed President Bush was from Texas. That was three years ago, when the Bush Administration was still riding high and everyone thought the Dixie Chicks should just shut up and sing. Now that about 66% of Americans think Bush is a complete tool, the Dixie Chicks are advertising their new movie which documents the hostility they have faced. But NBC is refusing to air the ads because they "are disparaging to President Bush." And as we all know, the Constitution entrusts the protection of the President's good reputation to the media networks. It's the media's sacred duty to portray the President in a glowing light, because the facts have well-known a liberal bias.

Ambition. The main problem people cite with Martin O'Malley is that he's too ambitious. True, he's inspired thousands of people, works harder than just about anyone in government, and has done a fabulous job as Baltimore's mayor. But as the example of George Bush surely shows, the best administrators are those who take lots of vacations and show no real interest in public service until they've failed at everything else. What we sure don't need is someone who is passionately driven to improve our country. Give me an ignorant slacker who falls into elected office by happenstance, and I'll vote for him every time.

Daylight Saving Time. As someone recently put it, "I hate daylight savings time. If the other timezone is so great, why don't we use it all year long?" And he's right. Our candle-lit farm days are long gone; I don't need to get up with the sun so I can get an extra hour of milking in before it's time to gather round the fire with Pa's Fiddle. Sure, we save significantly in energy by using it, but as every SUV owner knows, we should guzzle up as much gas as we can. The sooner it's gone, the sooner Jesus will come back and teleport us away during the Rapture.