Objects of My Scorn: Howard Dean, Brad Pitt and More

Job Requirements. As we all know, the government responded brilliantly to Hurricane Katrina last year due to the vigorous leadership of Arabian Horse Expert Michael Brown. Heck-of-a-Job-Brownie's success shed light on the vast public benefits of cronyism. In fact, Congressman Randy Kuhl told Rotary Club members that FEMA's response to Katrina is proof that government works. Never mind that those wacko-liberal Rotarians sputtered with incredulous laughter. And never mind those naysayers in Congress who passed a law last week spelling out the minimum job qualifications for any future head of FEMA. Certainly, the President isn't going to listen to these clowns who were only elected by the public to make the laws. After all, he's the best living example that inexperience and the lack of a proven record of success is absolutely no bar to public office. So, when Bush was presented with the bill, he appended one of his Caesarian signing statements declaring his intent to ignore the new job requirements. And Bush is right. What kind of ludicrous requirement is it to demand that the director of the Federal Emergency Management Administration have "a demonstrated ability in and knowledge of emergency management" and at least five years of executive leadership? Please. When my house is flooded and I'm slowly roasting to death on my rooftop waiting for rescue, the person I want in charge is somebody who has contributed to a political campaign. That's the best job qualification of all.

Howard Dean. Howard Dean insists on spending the treasury of the Democratic National Committee on building infrastructure all over the country as part of his silly 50-state strategy. House and Senate leaders are ticked off about it, because they know that what donors really want is for their money to be spent on protecting Democratic incumbents in a few purple states. And just who does Howard Dean think he is to be setting spending priorities for the DNC, anyway? Is he the head of the DNC? And heck, it's not like Dean's strategy has proved to be the wiser one, time after time in this past election. It's not like, say, previously safe Republican seats like Mark Foley's could suddenly become competitive and it's to the Democrats advantage to have a challenger in each race. Anyway, sadly for us, House and Senate leaders are having to reach a compromise with Dean about funding. Woe to the party. Our chances have never been bleaker than this election year under Howard Dean.

Brad Pitt. If there were any doubt that Angelina Jolie is the Circe to Brad Pitt's Odysseus - Achilles, whatever - it's the super star's announcement that he wants to have nine kids. Now, let's get real Brad. There's no way Angelina is going to ruin her multi-million dollar body popping out genetically perfect progeny for you. So that means more adoptions. And while we all admire your willingness to grow a political conscience and take on the problems of the world just to get a little nookie, adopting Angelina's kids was above and beyond the call of duty. She got inside your head, man. Everyone knows that a huge multi-cultural family is just a vanity freak show, and those kids would be much better off languishing in the orphanages awaiting good Samaritans who aren't from Hollywood. She's getting you to turn your back on all those good old-fashioned movie-star values like getting into brawls with paparazzi and snorting cocaine. Even if you hire a nanny, with nine kids, you won't have a hand free to punch anybody or straighten lines on a mirror, my friend. Plus, Angelina's craaaaaazy. She reads books, she's more at home at refugee camps than on the red carpet, and she has tattoos. What you really need is a very white girl with unmarred skin whose favorite cause is adding warning labels to music CDs with sexually explicit language. Because that's got Family Values written all over it.

Guantanamo Guards. A U.S. Marine reports that guards at Guantanamo Bay have been bragging about beating detainees. It seems they like to smash detainees' heads against prison doors and punch them in the face. This, no doubt, falls squarely within the secret guidelines for "harsh interrogation" that President Bush swears will comport with the Geneva Convention. And no one cay say otherwise, because he has been given sole power to interpret the Geneva Conventions. And we have to trust the man, because he has never made mistakes or lied to us before. Anyway, the problem here can't possibly be the beating and punching, because as we all know, the prisoners at Guantanamo are fat and happy. And when they commit suicide it's because they're trying to perform acts of asymmetrical warfare. The problem is that Guantanamo Guards are bragging about it. Have we learned nothing from recent history? It's not bad that the President is breaking the law and spying on Americans without warrants - it's that someone leaked it to the press. It's not bad that the CIA was torturing prisoners in secret prisons - it's that someone told. So, I say, throw the book at these guards. They should have known better than to brag about their crimes in a bar. Beating up prisoners is serious, secret business because it's wrong. And if these guards are under the impression, due to the bravado of their commander-in-chief, that what they're doing isn't the kind of thing that we should hide and legalize only after the fact, then they belong in jail. It's important for morale that the rank and file soldiers be punished while their leaders get medals of freedom.

Lt. Cmdr. Charles Swift. Which is, of course, not to suggest that we should be puzzled by what's happened to Naval Officer Charles Swift. Swift, a military lawyer, argued before the Supreme Court that the government could not try Osama bin Ladin's driver in an ad hoc military tribunal. He won the case. Two weeks later, he was forced to retire from the Navy. This makes sense because, even though Swift is a military officer - he never condoned with a wink and a nod, the beating prisoners or denying them due process. So, there's no way he could be given a promotion, much less the medal of freedom. Worse than that, he challenged his commander-in-chief in a court of law. And was right, as it turned out. Conduct unbecoming, if I ever saw it. What the military does not need is more guys who put their oaths and honor before political loyalty. Good riddance.

Maryland Cops. Snark aside, what the hell is the matter with Maryland Law Enforcement? You've got the all-white-bubba squad being sent to fight gang violence in Edgewood. You've got prison uprisings, stabbings, and murders. Then you've got Ed Norris, who got fired by O'Malley in Baltimore only to be hired by Governor Ehrlich only to then be indicted on criminal charges. Which doesn't stop him from being a popular radio personality - as Oliver North and G. Gordon Liddy prove, just because you're a corrupt S.O.B who has betrayed the public trust doesn't mean the public shouldn't still fawn over your every word! And now we come to the sorry spectacle of Melvin Jones and his 11 year-old victim Irvin Harris. The little boy was murdered by a child-molester who had, four weeks before the killing, threatened to kill the boy. It was reported to police. The name was given to police. And yet, no action was taken by police but for an "investigation" which consisted of making a call to a cell phone that didn't work. Several weeks later, the police expressed shock, shock I say, that the boy was killed by the same man who threatened to kill him. The police rightly condemn the boy's mother for allowing her son to keep company with a known sex-offender, but you know, that's really just the biggest "cop-out" ever. As a society, we know full well that some parents are prostitutes, or drug dealers, or just not capable of defending themselves, much less their children. Store owners shouldn't let known shop-lifters in their stores either, but when they're being robbed, they still get to call the cops. And the cops should bloody well show up. I pay Maryland police to use their heads, and protect me and to protect those citizens who are too helpless to defend themselves. Like little Irvin Harris. And we should all be pretty terrified. Because if the police can't figure out how to arrest a culprit when they know his name, I'm sure the criminals who typically leave calling cards at their crimes will all stop doing that now. I feel safe, don't you?

Guest Workers. So, we apparently have like 12 million illegal immigrants in the country. They come here because American companies are willing to violate the law, destroy the earning capacity of American workers, and endanger the security of the country so that they can save a few bucks. These companies won't get behind supporting a national health care plan that would alleviate their benefit expenses - better to induce undocumented people with potentially shadowy pasts to risk their lives breaching our security. So what is our solution to this problem? Are we going to pick out a few of the violators and make such hideous legal examples of them that no American company would consider it a legitimate risk to take ever again? Are we going to enforce our labor laws? Are we going to attack the source of the problem? Of course not. Silly you. We are going to build a wall, and let American companies continue to break the law without penalty - in fact, we're going to reward them. Bush is pushing for his Guest Worker program, which is the best of all worlds unless you are not a lawbreaking American company. Under this plan, a second-class citizenship will be created in America without any of our rights and protections, subject to the whim of corporate profit, so that illegals can continue to labor with the vague promise of potential citizenship. Oh boy, compassionate conservatism at work again!

Jeb Bush. Life has to be rough for Florida Governor Jeb Bush. He was the brother who actually studied in school and looked to have the qualifications to be President one day. All that potential drowned in the bitter chalice of his brother's frat-boy ambition. It's pretty clear, at this point, that Jeb won't be the nominee in '08 or anytime soon after. Which is a real shame, because like his brother, everywhere Jeb goes, freedom is on the march. Take, for example, an apparently peaceful anti-Republican demonstration that met him on the way to a campaign event in Pennsylvania. Just because it was a public street and a lawful association under the First Amendment doesn't mean that the security detail accompanying the governor shouldn't have used stun guns to subdue two protesters. Jeb ducked into a subway station to defend himself against the violence of their shouts and slogans. And everybody knows words hurt a lot more than stun guns. Gosh, we sure hope Jeb survived that close brush with contrary opinion. But the fact that the protesters don't appear to have been arrested or sent to Gitmo is proof that Jeb isn't quite the man his brother is, and for that he's an object of my scorn.