Objects of My Scorn: Peace, Women and More

Space. My husband descends from a long line of old-world explorers. He dreams of colonizing Mars or riding a space elevator. This is because he is a trusting person and does not believe me when I tell him that space is evil. You don't have to watch Battlestar Galactica to know that what's out there is trying to kill us. Take for example, the German senior citizen who was attacked by a meteor that destroyed his cottage and badly burned his face and hands. Imagine it. One minute you're sipping your dark German beer in peace. The next minute a projectile from space is trying to burn your lederhosen off. Space got the better of the dinosaurs and anyone who saw Armageddon or Deep Impact knows it could get the better of us too.

Michael J. Fox. The same guy who played uber-conservative Alex P. Keaton from Family Ties has gone all pinko-commie on us. Fox appears in a television ad for Democratic Candidate Claire McCaskill of Missouri. Fox, a sufferer of Parkinson's Disease, now has the unmitigated gall to support McCaskill because she's a longtime champion of stem-cell research. Stem-cell research is offers the hope of a treatment or cure for Parkinson's Disease, so naturally, Fox thinks this has something to do with him. What a selfish jerk. Doesn't he know that his life, as a dedicated father, actor, and activist is far less important than ensuring the remote possibility that a frozen embryo might somehow be allowed to form into a human being? Michael J. Fox wasn't born in this country originally, so perhaps he doesn't understand that what we have here in America is a culture of life. For example, we're all pacifists - we would never endanger embryos to save lives, much less accept the deaths of innocent human beings as collateral damage in our war to save oil.

Peace. Oh wait, that's right. We're not pacifists. What Americans love is war, blood and guts. We hate peace, peacemaking, and anything that interferes with our image as people who love to blow stuff up. Otherwise, why would Republicans think it prudent to accuse Democrats of having a "plot" to establish a Department of Peace. Personally, I think this line of attack is a real campaign winner for Republicans. Because as the Onion once astutely pointed out, after the Clinton years, our long national nightmare of peace and prosperity was finally over. We sure don't want Democrats to bring that back again!

Women. On the other hand, if America were at peace, we could go back to arguing about whether or not women should be in combat. See, back when Bill Clinton tried to push for more equal military duties for women, the conservatives rightly freaked out. They weren't even too sure women should be in the military, much less in a position to risk life and limb. The cry went out across the land that women in combat would demoralize the fighting force and "debase the feminine ideal." But now that we're fighting a guerrilla war in Iraq, women soldiers are in combat situations daily and nobody is freaking out. Sixty-five female soldiers have been killed in action, since the start of hostilities. Worse yet, the Naval Academy's first commandant position was just awarded to a woman. And yet, nary a peep of opposition is heard. People are just too afraid of the feminazis storming our citadels to tell it straight. These women, offering up their lives for the cause of freedom, have demoralized the fighting force. Women are the real reason we're losing in Iraq, and we should drum them out. It's not like we need every competent soldier we can find.

Larry Gaines. Baltimore resident Larry Gaines has recently appeared in television commercials for Maryland Governor Bob Ehrlich (R-MD). In the ad, the African-American describes himself as a life-long Democrat who is worried about schools and crime, and who is going to "be bold" this election, and vote for Ehrlich. The ad implies that this is the first time Gaines will "break ranks." As it turns out, Gaines campaigned for Ehrlich in 2002 and has a criminal record of his own. Shame on Larry Gaines for tricking Governor Ehrlich like that. I mean, it's not like Ehrlich could have known that Gaines was a longtime supporter, having received payment from the campaign four years ago. And surely, Ehrlich would never have agreed to be represented by a former drug-addict with a conviction for breaking-and-entering. And it's not like Ehrlich could have known that Larry Gaines has a grudge against Baltimore Mayor O'Malley for charging his son with attempted murder after he stabbed someone at a basketball game.

Mike Tyson and Other Criminals. In fact, it's beginning to look like a criminal conspiracy in Maryland. How else could you describe the surely unwelcome endorsement of Maryland Senate Candidate Michael Steele by convicted rapist Mike Tyson and double-murderer Don King? This atrocious pairing on the campaign trail led Oliver Willis to ask, "I wonder - was OJ busy?" Both Tyson and King have hit the campaign trail, ostensibly trying to shake out the support of black voters for Steele. But their motives are obvious - to make Michael Steele seem like the kind of guy with so little character that he'd associate with rapists and murderers for the sake of political expediency. I'm sure this isn't a cynical attempt by Steele to establish his "gangsta creds" with black voters, and that he's going to send Tyson and King packing any day now. . .

Martin O'Malley. But if supporting or being supported by criminals for the sake of political expediency is all the rage, then Baltimore Mayor Martin O'Malley is behind the curve. Instead of sparing the City an expensive lawsuit by a disgruntled former police chief with domestic violence issues, O'Malley fired Kevin P. Clark. Now Clark is suing. If O'Malley were smarter, he'd pay Clark off and get him to go on the campaign trail with him. After all, if Maryland Republicans stand for anything, it's that criminals help get out the vote!

Move On. Then again, getting out the vote is a big left-wing conspiracy. Move On, that nutty nefarious organization, has set up a system that defeats all excuses for not helping the democratic process this coming election. Don't have a car? No worries. Don't want to leave your house? That's ok. You can help too, all without donating a dollar. By using their new online volunteer system, even the couch potatoes amongst us have the chance to make a difference this year. And if that isn't subversive, I don't know what is.