Observations on the 2011 Grammy Awards

The opening tribute to Aretha Franklin featuring Christina Aguilera, Martina McBride, Jennifer Hudson, Yolanda Adams, and Florence Welch was really a contest to see which of ladies could be the first one to pop a blood vessel in her head.

So Lady Gaga is lying in that stupid egg and all I can think of is the scene in "This is Spinal Tap" where bass player Derek Smalls is trapped inside his cocoon as the song "Rock and Roll Creation" starts and his band mates obliviously play on. Now that would have been entertaining! Unfortunately, the damn egg opened and we were treated to the usual Lady Gaga-what the hell is this?-crap.

For the first time in Grammy history, John Mayer made it through the whole show without putting his penis inside someone.

I look at Jennifer Lopez and then I look at Mark Anthony and then I look back at J Lo and again at the little weasel she's married to and all I can figure is I'd have a chance with her if we ever met.

And the nominees for Ugliest, Most Wrinkled Up Music Legend are Bob Dylan, Mick Jagger, Barbra Streisand, and Kris Kristofferson.

I have no idea who the hell Arcade Fire is, but they should be arrested for assaulting my eyes and ears. The song "Month of May," featuring flashing lights, blaring guitars, an ugly chick beating the shit out of a drum, women violently stroking violins that might as well have had no strings, some idiot with a megaphone, and guys with backpacks riding mountain bikes across the stage came just moments before they won the Grammy for Best Album. So what the hell do I know?

Was there a more heartwarming moment than when Matthew Bellamy of the band Muse thanked his "beautiful, pregnant girlfriend" Kate Hudson? It was very touching-a lot of guys would have called her "my smokin' hot, knocked up piece of ass."

I don't get it. Rihanna and Skylar Grey sing their asses off-have to be able to carry a tune and all that stuff-and it's Eminem and Dr. Dre who get all the cheers because they can speak in rhyme and grab their crotches. I can't sing worth a crap, but I can speak in rhyme and I certainly know how to grab my crotch, so it can't be that difficult.

I've had about enough of those Smith kids-Willow and Jayden. It's bad enough Will Smith and Jada Pinkett have minimal talent, but now we have to put up with their obnoxious kids. Please stop punishing us with your offspring!

I wouldn't know Esperanza Spalding if I tripped over her bass fiddle and fell face first into her boobs, but after she won Best New Artist over that nauseating Justin Bieber kid, I am suddenly a big fan. Gonna have to find out who the hell she is.

Since Katy Perry got herself hitched to Russell Brand, she's become somewhat wholesome and just isn't showing enough skin to suit me. It means I have to actually listen to her sing. I, for one, look forward to the day he cheats on her and they announce they're splitting up so I can get back to concentrating on Katy's true talent.

The performance by Cee Lo, Gwyneth Paltrow, and the Muppets proved once and for all that teaming a big fat black man, a skinny white chick, and puppets together only works in pornography.