Observations on Christine O'Donnell, Miley Cyrus, Justin Bieber, Multiple Wives, and Broken-Down Pieces of Meat

The Parents Television Council-that pain-in-the-ass watchdog group that felt Janet Jackson's nipple is more damaging to children than the sight of grown men trying to crush one another on a football field-is offended by the latest Miley Cyrus video, Who Owns My Heart?, because "It sends messages to her fan base that are diametrically opposed to everything she has done up to this point." So apparently her performance on a stripper pole at the 2009 Teen Choice Awards was just good, wholesome family entertainment. But having seen the video in question (I observe the crap so you don't have to), I'm offended too. Not because Miley looks like a slut who is ready to please, but because the music sucks-and not in a good "slut who is ready-to-please" kind of way.

Wal-Mart has announced it is coming out with a line of Justin Bieber nail polish. And I'm guessing this isn't the last time we'll be seeing the words "coming out" and "Justin Bieber" in the same sentence. Stay tuned!

Here are the latest Batshit Crazy Republican Chick standings...

1. Christine O'Donnell - My Delaware cutie comes out of nowhere to redefine the term "batshit crazy." She's like a mouse with a human brain.

2. Sharron Angle - Arabs, Mexicans, even Mormons-this Nevada senatorial hopeful hates them all. And that's why we love her.

3. Jan Brewer - The ever smiling Arizona governor may have lost her head by claiming illegals are beheading people, but we love that kind of crap, so she's gaining ground in our poll.

4. Michele Bachmann - The Minnesota congresswoman falls out of the top spot mainly because she's old news. C'mon Michele, say something crazy!

5. Sarah Palin - Thanks to the soul sisters she has spawned, the Lifetime Achievement Award winner looks less and less daft each day. Another 50 years and she may be somewhat normal.

The TLC program Sister Wives, featuring Kody Brown and his four wives, takes an interesting look at polygamy. While having multiple sex partners would be appealing to any man, the idea of the words, "For Christ's sake, you'd think just once you could remember to put the goddamn toilet seat down!" multiplied by four is frightening as hell.

In order to play heavy-drinking womanizer Charlie Harper on Two and a Half Men, excessively heavy-drinking, excessively womanizing Charlie Sheen actually has to turn it down a notch. That my friends is acting!

Here in the Land of Lincoln, we are preparing to go to the polls to vote for either Democratic incumbent Governor Pat Quinn-the man who inherited Rod Blagojevich's seat-or Republican Bill Brady. But with four past governors having been convicted of crimes, I'm leaning towards casting my vote for Independent Scott Lee Cohen. Previously arrested for domestic abuse of his prostitute girlfriend, Cohen seems more than qualified for the highest seat in Illinois.

A new daytime talk show named The Talk premiers Monday on CBS. The bold, unique format will feature a bunch of women all talking at the same time about current topics and is guarnateed to make men want to scratch out their eyeballs.

Brett Favre's failed attempts to lure a sexy 26-year-old sports reporter into bed are an embarrassment to grandpas everywhere. Take it from me Brett, it's time to put Little Brett away and retire to your recliner with an afghan and memories of the good old days when gray wasn't your signature color. Hot, young women like Jenn Sterger aren't interested in old, shriveled up, broken-down pieces of meat. Nor are they interested in your penis.