Observations on Dick Cheney, Katy Perry, Socialism, and Going Bottomless--Among Other Things

As summer quickly approaches, it is time to do some spring cleaning. After a long, cold winter, I find that I have accumulated a large pile of crap in the corner of my brain that needs to either be tossed out or sold in a garage sale. Here are a few items going real cheap...

Despite all of the George W. Bush bashing I've done in the past, I have to give the ex-prez his props. With roughly a year left in his administration, Dubya gracefully disappeared from planet Earth and hasn't been heard from since. Dick Cheney, on the other hand, is like the human equivalent of irritable bowel syndrome-a gastrointestinal disorder that just won't go away.

I don't understand dress codes. Why is it OK to dress like a slob on Friday, but not Monday through Thursday? Whenever I wear jeans on "Casual Friday," the only thing I want to do is put my feet up, drink beer, surf the net for porn and leer at female coworkers. But the rest of the week, dressed in business casual attire, the only thing I want to do is put my feet up, drink beer, surf the net for porn and leer at female coworkers. See the difference?

Speaking of dress codes, I could live very happily and comfortably in a society with a bottoms-optional policy. We men have a lot going on down there and it is such an exhilarating feeling of freedom when the boys are allowed to roam free. I would, however, require that men wear t-shirts-very looong t-shirts-so as not to introduce the boys to those who don't want to meet them. Just imagine how happy and relaxed American men would be without the discomfort of confinement in the crotchal area.

I used to think that if everyone practiced the golden rule, the world would be a much better place to live. That was before Bill the masochist moved into my neighborhood.

I can't explain it, but I am fascinated with Katy Perry. She's quite attractive with those big, round eyes and those big, round other things too, but there are plenty of young pop singers who have no trouble turning the heads of perverted old men like me. It's more than that. Musically, I haven't quite figured out if she's good or not-I generally hate "pop" music-but whenever she's on my TV, I have to stop whatever I'm doing and watch. It's probably the whole preacher's naughty daughter thing that grabs my attention. Whatever the reason, I can't help but think something is seriously wrong with me.

Anyone else want to take the guitar from the FreeCreditReport.com jingle guy and beat the hell out of him with it?

As of late, Republicans have taken to referring to anything run by the government as "socialism." That is the argument against a socialized healthcare program and against government bailouts intended to save our economy from crumbling. Why stop there? Our military is nothing more than another social program paid for by hard-working American taxpayers designed to protect everyone, including those on welfare. How wrong is that? The government is spending your tax dollars to provide protection for Americans who don't deserve it, and making decisions that would best be made by you, the individual. Let's privatize the military! Wouldn't you rather hire your own mercenaries and purchase your own tanks and missiles than count on the stupid, old government to protect you?

I am bit perplexed by the fact that so many women come to the defense of that self-absorbed prick Simon Cowell whenever I point out what a self-absorbed prick he is. If I'd have known how much chicks dig self-absorbed pricks, I would have chosen to be a self-absorbed prick a long time ago-instead of the nice prick that I am. (Note: I'm just trying to see how many times I can use the word "prick" in one paragraph.)