Observations on FOX "news" CHANNEL, Religion, Glenn Beck, "The Situation," and Other Stupid Crap

It took Stephen Hawking more than 60 years to finally come to the same conclusion I had made as a young man. And he's supposed to be the smart one.

The other night I was watching Charlie Rose on PBS and he had a bunch of economic and foreign relations experts sitting around a table reviewing the first couple of years of the presidency of Barack Obama. They were taking turns, speaking softly, and stating facts. That's when I grabbed the remote and started clicking, because whenever I tire of being bogged down by little things like facts (yawn), I turn to a place I know I can count on: FOX "news" CHANNEL.

I still recall the day I stumbled upon FOX "news" CHANNEL while surfing through that vast wasteland known as cable TV in search of the truth. I was in my recliner, drinking a beer, and sorting through my booger collection when I landed on a channel with the slogan "Fair and Balanced" proudly displayed. "Fair-that means 'impartial.' That's a good thing," I said. "Balanced. That means 'impartial' too. Holy crap!" I exclaimed, "This FOX 'news' CHANNEL is so goddamn impartial they are impartial and impartial!"

About to become a father for the eighth time, 65-year-old Rod Stewart has advised Paris Hilton to give up drugs. It's time someone advised Rod to keep Little Rod in his pants and out of the crotches of women young enough to be his daughter.

Here are the latest Batshit Crazy Republican Chick standings:

1. Michele Bachmann - Minnesota Congresswoman has a stranglehold on the top spot
2. Sarah Palin - the Lifetime Achievement Award winner
3. Jan Brewer - Arizona governor moving quickly up the ladder
4. Sharron Angle - Nevada Tea Party candidate is new to the game but shows great potential

I continue to be amazed by the number of dim Americans (one in five!) who insist Barack Obama isn't a Christian despite declarations by his administration that he indeed believes in the same superstitious make-believe bullcrap they do.

Looking at the lineup for the upcoming season of Dancing with the Stars, I figure their definition of "star" has been lowered enough that it's just a matter of time before I'm asked to be on the show. For the record, I will accept only if I'm paired up with Cheryl Burke.

If Glenn Beck was really serious about this "restoring honor to America" crap, he'd have put a gun in his mouth and eaten a bullet at that big Lincoln Memorial circle-jerk he organized last week. C'mon Glenn, take one for the team!

The Idiot Formerly Known as Mike Sorrentino goes by the name "The Situation," which is also the nickname he gave his six-pack stomach. Now, thanks to the diminishing collective IQ of American TV viewers, he and a couple of things called "Snooki" and "J-Wow" have become big celebrities. No punch line here-it's just really, really sad.

A few weeks ago, Bill O'Reilly told the world that Jennifer Aniston is destroying America. And to think for years she had held the top slot on my "I Wanna Boink Her" list. Not anymore, young lady! Exactly what it was Jen did to destroy America slips my mind right now, but I'm pretty sure it was some of that typical Hollywood liberal shit that we in the heartland find so abhorrent.

Religion is full of BS lines and one of my favorites is "God never gives us more than we can handle." Tell that to the 30,000 Americans who commit suicide each year.

OK, so now we really can say "Mission Accomplished." Right?