Observations on Idiots, Incontinence, and Other Stuff

Whatever happened to evolution? Remember the good old days when natural selection weeded out the idiots? "The Situation" is this: I despise the cast of Jersey Shore. They represent everything that is wrong with America today-the celebration of uneducated celebretards with fake tans, fake boobs and fake talent. Let's kill these kids before they procreate and further dirty an already murky American gene pool.

Glad to see John Edwards is doing the right thing and planning to marry the mother of his child. It's so refreshing to find a politician with solid family values.

I just saw a TV commercial for ActivStyle that says to call a "personal incontinence consultant" and I laughed so hard I nearly crapped my pants.

I don't like to judge people just based on things they say and do, but I'm pretty sure Minnesota congresswoman Michele Bachmann is completely out-of-her-mind, something's-wrong-with this broad, batshit crazy.

It's wonderful Tim Tebow has found the Lord and all that crap, but I'm tired of athletes who have to advertise their Christianity to the rest of the world. The University of Florida quarterback likes to wear the words "John 3:16" on his eye black during games so the cameras can broadcast the message and the rest of us can be saved. So what's wrong with that you ask? Do you think the NCAA would allow a player to wear eye black extolling the greatness of Allah? Or how about the words "There is no god" on the face of a linebacker? Personal religious beliefs should stay in the concussed heads of guys stupid enough to get their brains scrambled every weekend and off my TV.

The inventor of the Frisbee ®, Walter Morrison, died recently at the age of 90. Still shocked at his father's passing, Morrison's son tried to put things in perspective. "There's really no way to put a good spin on this. One minute he was with us and the next minute, Wham-O ®, he was in God's hands."

Lady Gaga: Horseshit music, ridiculous clothing, zero personality and she's ugly. Did I forget anything?

I used to admire and respect John McCain. Then he opened up Pandora's Box and now we in the lower 48 are stuck with Sarah Palin spreading her narrow worldview to the narrowest of people. This from a woman who found governing a state of roughly 50 people just too darn much to handle. Hey Alaska! How's that Governory-Paliny thing workin' out for ya?

Is being called "sexual napalm in bed" really such a bad thing? That's what John Mayer says about Jessica Simpson in a Playboy magazine interview and suddenly I'm one of her biggest fans.

I can't wait to watch Olympic curling. I still have no freakin' idea what the damn rules are but last Olympics I became fascinated with this sport and had to watch whenever it was on. The ice, the brooms, the sweeping, those big round sliding thingies-you just can't beat it for quality "holy crap I'm so goddamn bored I'll watch anything" entertainment.

Don't you think maybe Jenny Sanford should have anticipated her husband's fondness for taking long hikes to Argentina when he insisted the word "faithful" be dropped from their wedding vows?

Don't ask me my opinion of "don't ask, don't tell" because I won't tell.

Amid rumors that Howard Stern may replace Simon Cowell as an American Idol judge next year, the conservative Parents Television Council has already petitioned FOX not to hire the shock jock because he says outrageous things. While they're protecting us from people who say outrageous things, the PTC may also want to talk to FOX about dumping Glenn Beck from their fair and balanced news channel.

I haven't been paying attention. When does universal healthcare start?

I noticed I no longer have an Associated Content Top 1,000 badge and I'm wondering where I went wrong. Was it my behavior at the monthly meetings? Was it the hotel bills I ran up on strippers and pay-per-view porn? Was it the sexual harassment charges? The drug charges? The sex orgies? The inflatable doll? If you're gonna throw me out of your exclusive little club the least you can do is tell me why.