Observations on Pro-Lifers, Dancing Astronauts, Tattooed Daredevils and Other Crap

So let's see if I have this straight. The crazy lady who couldn't handle the incredibly difficult job of governing Mooseland says President Obama is in over his head?

I've found that I have a real hard time listening to the crap spewing from the mouth of House Minority Leader John Boehner (pronounced "Boner" in the real world) because he looks like he was dipped in plastic and could melt at any moment. He talks and talks and all I can do is wonder if they keep him in a meat locker each night, then take him out the next day and prop him up in front of a microphone. I can tell he's pissed and that it undoubtedly has something to do with those damn Democrats trying to do some of that progressive shit that might help the kind of people Republicans hate (the homeless, minorities, gays, etc.), but I'm really not listening. I just watch in awe of the Amazing Plastic Man.

Wait a minute! A twice-divorced, heavily tattooed daredevil who was formerly married to a porn star turns out to be a lousy, cheating husband? Shocking!

Does anyone really think all those fat-ass Republican congressmen going on-and-on about the evils of abortion are pro-lifers? When their mistresses or un-wed daughters get knocked up, these men will be falling over one another to be first in line at the abortion clinic. Goddamn baby-killers!

And speaking of this nauseating "pro-life" crap... Nobody is pro-life! Unless you oppose abortion in all instances including rape and incest; unless you oppose the death penalty; unless you oppose war under any circumstance; unless you opposed the bombing of Iraq; unless you opposed the execution of Saddam Hussein; unless you oppose the killing of animals for food, sport, or whatever; unless you oppose swatting mosquitoes; unless you oppose pulling weeds from your garden; unless you oppose killing the crabs on your crotch; unless you oppose killing any living thing on this planet, you cannot call yourself "pro-life." You are simply "pro-full-of-shit."

In this fast-paced world in which we live, who has time to watch two basketball teams run back-and-forth on the hardwood trading baskets for a couple hours? I have better things to do. I propose all basketball games begin with just two minutes left on the clock-the final two minutes are all that matter anyway. And while we're at it, let's outlaw time outs too. Do that and we could get through this NCAA Basketball Tournament in a few hours and get on with life.

I was glad to see great Americans Rush Limbaugh, Glenn Beck and Michelle Malkin (whoever the hell she is) stick up for those poor little private insurance companies and take that bratty Marcelas Owens kid down a peg. If there's anything I hate, it's an 11-year-old kid crying about our wonderful health care system just because his sick mother lost her job and health insurance and died unable to afford treatments that cost $100,000 per year. Whining little bastard.

Former moonwalker Buzz Aldrin's performance on Dancing with the Stars proves once and for all that I'm a better dancer than guys who are almost dead.

Anyone else think it's not exactly a coincidence that the state that produced our dumbest president is expunging one of our most brilliant presidents, Thomas Jefferson, from some of its text books? For you Texans, he's the guy who wrote The Declaration of Independence. Next time the Lone Star State talks about seceding from the union, let's open the door and let the idiots go bye-bye. Guaranteed, the collective IQ of America will rise dramatically.