Observations on the Queen of Alaska and the King of Pop

Why does God only talk to complete nutcases? Dubya told us God chose him to be president because the big guy in the sky apparently wanted to bomb the crap out of Iraqi children. Evangelists tell their idiot followers all the time that God talks to them and tells them stuff like, "Raise 9 million dollars by June 1^st or I will kill you." Maniacs slaughter their own families and then say God told them to do it. Now Sarah Palin says she is stepping down as governor of Alaska because she has a "higher calling," which is crazy person talk for "God made me do it." If there really is a God, I wish he'd tell these dumbasses to blow their brains out. Now that's a God I could worship.

National Security Alert: Who's watching those gosh darn Russians?

If you remove state governors from the equation, the U.S. unemployment rate is down to a mere 6.5 %.

Why do I have the feeling Todd Palin will be competing on "I'm A Celebrity, Get Me Out Of Here!" next season?

Where does quitting rank among those fine family values Sarah Palin is always babbling about?

Not sure why the governor of Alaska decided to step down, but I'm really hoping for a major sex scandal. Photos from her college days popping up on the Internet with a stoned Sarah flashing her perky, young boobs and making out with her sorority sisters or a stolen home-made sex video of Sarah and Todd humping away on the back of a snow machine certainly appeal to my sense of good old-fashioned, all-American fun. Hell, I might even vote for the naughty, little minx.

Here's another sex scandal that would satisfy my perverse fantasies: It turns out the "Maria from Argentina" Mark Sanford has been banging is really "Sarah from Alaska." How great would that be?

The good news about all of this is that now that she'll be a stay-at-home mom, Sarah will have a lot more time to screw up her kids. That means more teen pregnancies and more fun for all of us. Stay tuned.

A big memorial tribute at the Staples Center in Los Angeles. Praise from big time celebrities and musicians. A lottery system for fans to get tickets. Some tickets selling on eBay for thousands of dollars. Crazy Reverend Al Sharpton. Lots of bawling and talk about what a great man the King of Pop was. The major networks and 24-hour news channels with their top news teams covering the event on site. All this for a child molester. I can't wait to see what they do for O.J. when he craps out. Maybe a national holiday!

You have to feel for the mortician who was stuck with the job of getting Jackson ready for his funeral. What the hell do you do with him? You'd have to ask the family which Michael they want. You want the black Michael or the white Michael? Nose or no nose? Germ mask or no germ mask? Male or...whatever? Jackson Five era? Thriller era? Wacko Jacko era? It's gotta be a little like putting a Mr. Potato Head together.

And if you've ever wondered how Michael turned out to be such a terrible mess, take a look at his father, Joe Jackson. Dude looks like a friggin' drag queen.

I have to admit I am touched by all of the wonderful things being said about Michael as a father. Yes, nothing says "Greatest Dad Ever" like dangling your baby over a balcony railing.

Not to suggest the string of wackiness in the Jackson family won't end with Michael's passing, but his youngest son is called Blanket. If that doesn't have schoolyard ass-whoopin' written all over it...