Observations on How Sarah Palin Helped Me See the Light, Plus Stuff About Pedophiles, Clowns and Ladies with Fat Asses

I used to be one of those silly liberals who are big proponents of the first amendment while strongly opposed to the second amendment. Then Sarah Palin came along and showed me the error of my ways. Because if she doesn't shut her whiny, fingernails-across-a-blackboard mouth I'm gonna reload and put her goddamn head in the crosshairs!

Attention: I'd like to take this opportunity to blame the liberal media for making that last paragraph sound like I'm inciting violence.

Being a short, dark Italian guy, I spent my childhood surrounded by 4-foot-tall Italian women with mustaches. My therapist believes that is the primary reason my heart races, my crotch sweats, and I drool on my shoes whenever I see a tall, sexy blonde.

Anyone else notice that the "Catholics Come Home" ads seem to have disappeared from television ever since word came out about Pope Benedict the Enabler's relocation program for pedophiles?

Note to the Hutaree Christian Militia: When the heads of other militias are calling you "an extremist group," you might want to dial things down a bit.

Few people on this planet are better at judging women than yours truly, and based on what I've seen so far, I'd take Tiger's sluts over Jesse's skanks any day of the week. But then I've always had rather high standards.

I don't know about you, but I found the news about Ricky Martin a little hard to swallow.

Scott Roeder-the 52-year-old "pro-life" whack job who shot and killed Doctor George Tiller in church because the doctor had performed abortions-is living proof that at least one fetus should most definitely have been aborted around 52 years ago.

I don't think the face on the Shroud of Turin is that of Jesus. He just doesn't look Hispanic to me.

Idiot health advocates are after Ronald McDonald's delightful ass because they claim the colorful clown entices kids into a world of obesity. And once again, just like the late Joe Camel (lung cancer), a fictional character takes the hit for horseshit parenting. No word yet on whether the Hamburglar will be charged with encouraging kids to shoplift.

When I was a kid, I hated Easter because I'd get up and find a big basketful of goodies I couldn't eat until after we got home from Mass. This was apparently because the magic mumbo-jumbo that occurs when receiving communion doesn't work if you have a chocolate bunny rabbit sitting in your tummy.

In addition to showing us the "Most Commented" articles-that, by the way, are always written by the same two or three people, which makes me want to puke-it would be nice if AC would have a button to click that would display those articles with the "Most Obscenities." Holy shit, I bet I'd be on that fucking list every day!

Psst. Don't tell anyone, but I am writing this paragraph for the sole purpose of padding my word count-let's just call it filler. It's a little trick I came up with where I write a bunch of silly crap such as: The astronaut with the big green penis jumped in his rocket and flew to Venus. Rather than read all that nonsense, feel free to take this opportunity for a little break-maybe have a sandwich, smoke a joint, snort coke, drink a beer, take a dump, whatever-then move on to the next fun-filled paragraph. Thank you for your patience. The astronaut with the big green penis jumped in his rocket and flew to Venus. Five fat women with enormous asses are responsible for emitting greenhouse gasses.

Welcome back! I know I promised you a fun-filled paragraph, but I lied. This is all you get. Now get the hell out of here.