Observations on Sarah Palin's Implants and Other Big Boobs

Based on a photograph of Sarah Palin taken at the recent Belmont Stakes, rumors have been flying all over the Internet that she has undergone breast augmentation. In the photo, Sarah's puppies do look quite large and perky while amply filling out a rather flimsy, white t-shirt. And being the kind of guy I am (male), I'm hoping this whole boob job tale is true. Now if surgeons could just implant a brain into her empty head, America's open sore that won't go away might actually be worth keeping.

Listen up parents! Your teenage daughters should not be sailing solo around the world. It's dangerous! They should be spending their time in the Caribbean where they can meet nice, young men like Joran Van der Sloot.

I've always opposed the death penalty, but I think for the good of humanity it might be time to start executing anything called "Snooki."

Now that the Chicago Blackhawks have finally won the Stanley Cup, only two items remain unfulfilled on my bucket list: A Chicago Cubs World Series and sex with Jennifer Aniston. Better get ready Jen Baby! Looks like you're up next.

When it was announced Elton John would make an appearance, the happiest man at Rush Limbaugh's wedding was Karl Rove who for the first time in his life would not be the gayest (allegedly) man at an event.

At the current rate Kate Hudson is changing boyfriends, I have figured out that she and I will be dating sometime in May, 2012. Looking forward to that.

Anybody else want to smack that Justin Bieber kid in the face? With a hockey stick? Hard?

After critiquing California Senator Barbara Boxer's hair style while unknowingly wearing a live mic, Boxer's opponent, Carly Fiorina, appears to be in dire need of a mirror.

If the oil spill in the Gulf doesn't show God's contempt for homosexual pelicans, I don't know what does.

To the idiots who complained about the president using "profanity" when he said the word "ass" in a recent interview: Are you kidding me? The last time "ass" was considered profane, everybody liked Ike and June was telling Ward not to be too hard on the Beaver. Get your ASSES out of the '50s and come join the living!

Update: Lindsay Lohan has officially leapfrogged both Amy Winehouse and Keith Richards into the coveted number one slot of the "Holy shit! I can't believe he/she is still alive!" leader board. Stay tuned!

Sad news: Country music singer Jimmy Dean died Sunday of an apparent pork sausage overdose. He was 81.